Celebrity Rehab

Hollywood is filled with drugs, sex, superficiality and a whole lotta losers. But losers (also known as Z-listers, reality show stars) need some relevance, right? Well, here's the place!

And you are...?

Just The Facts

  1. "Celebrity Rehab" is part of VH1's prestigious Celebreality lineup, that includes "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York," and "_____ of Love with some random whore from another VH1 show"
  2. Dr. Drew Pinsky hosts and moderates the show. Some say he's as phony as Dr. Phil, but without that Texas accent.
  3. Drug addictions included in the show are alcohol, cocaine, pain pills, marijuana (writer's note: WHAT?!) and attention.
  4. Gary Busey was on Season Two, which pretty much sums up how batshit insane the show is.
  5. The writer watches this show most of the time ironically drunk/stoned/combination of both.

Season 1: Kicking off the crazy with some old VH1 faces

Relevance or rehab? Your call...

Call it cosmic fate, but after 2007 (the year that Lindsay Lohan completely went shit-stirred crazy), rehab became all the rage thanks to no-talent socialites that got more fame by taking the LA justice system


Daniel Baldwin - The second craziest Baldwin (after Stephen) and third cutest Baldwin (after Stephen). He was originally on Celebrity Fit Club, but left after he chose painkillers over cheesecake. Eventually, he left the show after a disagreement over Jeff Conaway's own addiction which lead to a huge drug fueled arguement that could leave Spencer Pratt crying in the corner.

Mary Carey - Porn star and California governor hopeful, she sought out help to get away from the porn industry which has caused her alcoholism. She went back to porn, fittingly in a movie called PornHab with Dr. Screw.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer - Pro wrestler and once looked like a female. She was on the same Surreal Life season as Verne Troyer who once drunkenly peed in the corner of the house naked. All that crazy just rubbed off.

Jeff Conaway - Best known as Kenickie in Grease. Saying that he has a bad painkiller medication is like saying Paris Hilton has a minor case of herpes. He was the main crazy of the house, with an equally bitchy, deluded girlfriend named Vicky that he promptly kicks in the ribs. Oh wait, was that Season 2? Who knows, it's Jeff Conaway.

Jaimee Foxworth - For anyone who has wondered what ever happened to the little girl from "Family Matters" that just fucking disappeared, well she became a porn star and somehow got addicted to marijuana. She calls it an addiction, I call it part of my daily intake of vitamins THC.

Brigette Nielson - Back from romancing "Foofy Foofy" (that's Flavor Flav, to the lucky few that don't watch VH1), she wants to get better for her family's sake. As well as broadcasting her naked bits and plastic surgery, but hey, good for her. I think.

Ricco Rodriguez - Fought as a MMA and UFC fighter. Well, at least VH1 got the celebrity part fo the title right because I'm wondering who the fuck Ricco Rodriguez is.

Jessica Sierra - Famous for American Idol, she has a sex tape and crazy bitch attached to her name. Fantastic. See Ricco Rodriguez.

Seth "Shifty' Binzer - He was part of Crazy Town that had that song "Butterfly" for-fucking-ever in the early 2000s. Wants to get sober for his son Seven (clearly, ripping off George Constanza). He and Celebrity Rehab become that couple that everyone knows that keeps breaking up and getting back together.


The Face of Sobriety

Because one season of trainwrecks wasn't enough, VH1 ordered another season and decided to throw as random fucking people in as possible, probably for more viewers to witness wacky shit.


Steven Adler - Drummer for Guns n' Roses, he got kicked out by Axl Rose (writer's friend's note: WHAT?!!?!) for the drug addiction. He eventually formed his own band Steven's Appetite that tours throughout college campuses, including arenas for meth heads around the Southeast.

Jeff Conaway (again) - Back from the crazy bin (aka Vicky's vagina), he promptly gets kicked out again like last season. Who knows, he's nuts.

Rodney King - Famous for getting beaten up by the LAPD. Alcohol problem. I think i just fell asleep on my keyboard.

Tawney Kitaen - Video vixen and sexy redhead, who sadly became a crazy redhead. Cocaine problems took her children and marriage away, as well as her looks and nose.

Nikki McKibbin - Another American Idol contestant. I think she did some shit too.

Amber Smith - Model. Model of what is beyond me, but VH1 had the courtesy of showing her going through withdrawals complete with puking in a bucket. Classy. Someone call Annie Leibovitz, stat.

Sean Stewart - Son of Rod Stewart. Really VH1? You couldn't get his less attractive and crazier daughter Kim-something? Sean is the vanilla of the Stewart family, with Rod as the ass flavored and Kim as butterrum (to go with her butterface).

Gary Busey - FINALLY. Originally he came on thinking he was going to be counseling the drug addicts but was angry to find out that he needed to be treated for medical marijuana. This obviously didn't suit Gary well, who called everyone in the rehab center butthorns and became bulletproof. I made that up, but damnit Bulletproof is fucking hysterical.

Seth Binzer (Again...again) - Season 1 did not cut it and he came back.

Season 3: Incest, Parrots and Dennis Rodman

The third season came through after the successful spinoffs Sex Rehab and Sober House. Appparently, you can beat a dead horse and get new results. Okay, same results, new cast, not so much crazy.


Lisa D'Amato - She was known as the crazy bitch who urinated in a diaper on Cycle 5 of America's Next Top Model. She keeps denying that she has an alcohol problem. Join the club, we have jackets.

Heidi Fleiss - Infamous Hollywood madame that service Charlie Sheen (who ironically could benefit from Dr. Drew's service) and many other celebrities. Now she has been living in a desert with parrots. Okay, she needs obvious help.

Joey Kovar - Was on The Real World: Hollywood. Meaning slightly nothing, but he had a few memorable meltdowns.

Mindy McCready - Country music star (isn't that title redudant?) and mistress of Roger Clemens. She has been in press numerous times for her drug filled suicide attempts. She was also responsible for the cock block known as the "naked tape" starring Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart and the following person...

Kari Ann Peniche - Was a Miss Teen USA, fiancee of Aaron Carter and potential softcore porn star. She went in to Sex Rehab, but was completely booted off after thinking she was on "My Super Sweet 16" which came to head by her attacking staff and Dr. Drew. She was kicked off and it was realized she had a meth addict. It's always the silent ones.

McKenzie Philips - Former television star and incestous partner of her father's. As crazy as her life seemed, she was the most normal and levelheaded part of the show. And that says a lot, given the show she's on.

Dennis Rodman - Former Chicago Bulls' star. He is really in rehab for a court order after one of may DUI arrests. At least he left the wedding dress at home.

Tom Sizemore - Sometimes actor, fulltime crazy drug addict. He and Lindsay Lohan should exchanged numbers. Also Heidi Fleiss' ex, which causes drama, which is vital to the Celebrity Rehab plot to push it to it's climax and resolved ending (which there is never one, but one can dream).

Mike Starr - Former bassist of Alice in Chains, and like McKenzie Philips, the sanest person in the rehab center. Actually he has really shitty withdrawals that are scary but it takes a backseat to seizures and Kari Ann's tantrums.

Season 4 (?): The Terrorists Will Win When Aired.

As of June 2010, only three "celebrities" have signed on to do the forth season. The series is in danger of being canceled and judging by the first person who joined (using that term loosely), it will be the death to America.

Projected Cast

Tila Tequila - Myspace "celebrity", famous for a bisexual MTV reality show, cashing in on her "girlfriend's" death and having some of the most inane Twitter ramblings that would make Gary Busey seem like a logical sane man. Obviously, with the show postponed, she announced on her unread blog that she would be continuing her addiction until July. Stay classy Tila Ngyuen.

Shauna Sand - onetime Playboy Playmate, sometimes model, wife to Lorenzo Lamas, and fulltime paparazzi whore, she has entered rehab for....who knows, the sex tape was nasty and she's in need of better press.

Jason Wahler - On "The Hills" for one season, boyfriend to Lauren Conrad and....who the fuck knows. I always knew VH1 was somewhat desperate for celebrity relevance, but holy shit, an MTV reject?! Although he might be the only "celebrity" with a legitamite addiction to alcohol.

Let's keep in mind that Dr. Drew offered both Liza Minnelli and Lindsay Lohan both a million dollars to appear on the show, and they turned it down. Let me repeat that: Two of the most notorious drug addicted trainwrecks Hollywood has produced turned down television and money. Holy shit, this show is going to hell.

But I'll still watch it.