ZZ Top

ZZ Top is the result of pure testosterone concentrated into flesh and then covered in hair. The more clever of you may have noticed that I also just described testicles.

This actually happened

Just The Facts

  1. ZZ Top has had the same band members since forming in 1969
  2. Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill grew out their beards when the band went on hiatus in 1977. They had no idea each other had grown a beard until the band went back on tour in 1979
  3. Billy Gibbons probably fucked your mom. Grandma too.

Dusty Hill

The bassist is often the most overlooked member; but Dusty Hill's a mad man on a 4-string Fender. Dusty was recommended as bassist by Frank Beard, having played in several bands together in the past. Story goes: Dusty was at a local bar, drinking whiskey, when Frank introduced him to Billy Gibbons. Dusty passed out drunk before returning pleasantries.

Dusty was quoted as saying: "My sound is big, heavy, and a bit distorted because it has to overlap the guitar. Someone once asked me to describe my tone, and I said it was like a rhino farting in a trash can. What I meant is it's raw, but you've got to have the tone in there."

That's some Oscar Wilde shit right there

Frank Beard

Little is known about Frank Beard. He reportedly started drumming just to impress the ladies, but that's probably a damnable lie. Frank Beard never has any trouble with the ladies.

Apparently denying his birthright, Frank has decided to refrain from growing a beard like his band-mates; instead opting for the classy and elegant moustache and mullet combo.

So rather than talk about his love of golf, or his epic drumming skills, let's just bask in his essence.

Photos of this man are considered legal tender in some prisons

Billy Gibbons

Billy Gibbons..... Reverend Willy G...... Billy Fucking Gibbons.

Arguably the most awesomest man on the planet, Billy Gibbons is the poster boy for bad motherfuckers everywhere. When he's not shredding blues solos on his '59 Les Paul Standard (probably from inside of a woman), Gibbons can be found enjoying one of his many hobbies; which include: Cooking Mexican food as an expert chef, rebuilding and customizing classic cars, and just kinda standing around to single-handedly increase the badassery of the room. ( You will now begin to notice Billy Gibbons everywhere; sometimes not performing..... just being paid to hang out.)

He's also a character on BONES for no fucking reason

Billy Gibbons has performed with EVERYONE EVER

Pick a band at random. Thought of one yet? Well Billy Gibbons has already played lead guitar on one of their albums. Don't believe me?

Here he is acting as the leader of an angry mob in a Queens Of The Stone Age video.

And see if you can catch Reverend Willy G stealing Nickelback's thunder just by talking every couple minutes.

Ever heard of Luis Fonsi? He's a Peurto Rican singer who performed at the Latin Grammys a few years ago.

Guess who makes an appearance at the 2:00 mark. Notice how much more tolerable the song is at that point.

And here he is performing with the Raconteurs

And here is Honky Tonk Stomp by Brooks & Dunn. Not only did Gibbons play guitar and sing in this song, but he's in the damn lyrics.

And here he is again. This time playing Free Bird on the last episode of The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. And notice how horrible Will Ferrell's singing is, but Reverend Willy G brings it home with some slick guitar slides.

Billy Gibbons has also:

Played guitar on Revolting Cocks' song "Dead End Streets".

Wrote, played, and sang "Willin' for Satisfaction" with Def Leppard

Performed with B.B. King on the song "Tired of Your Jive"

Performed with Hank Williams III on the song "Trashville"

Performed with Les Paul on the song "Bad Case of Lovin' You"

Performed with John Mayall on the song "Put it Right Back"

Sang on Kid Rock's song "Hillbilly Stomp"

Sang backup vocals for Sammy Hagar's song "Switch on the Light"

Played guitar on the Gov't Mule's "Broke Down On the Brazos",

Played guitar on "Run Rudolph Run", the third track of We Wish You a Metal Xmas and a Headbanging New Year

Played with Jeff Beck onstage for "Foxy Lady".

Made a special guest appearance behind Roky Erickson on Austin City Limits

And probably much more shit I don't know about.

And here he is with Dave Navarro for some reason

The Famous Vehicles of ZZ Top

The Eliminator

Easily the most recognizable of ZZ Top's collection. The Eliminator (who will always be potrayed in bold) is a 1933 Ford Coupe.

Here it is in action

Tragically, The Eliminator was killed while rescuing a young couple from the clutches of evil in the video for "Sleeping Bag"

But being reincarnated in the most awesome way possible The Eliminator was combined with a space shuttle.

Pictured: Justice

CadZZilla ( Low-slung custom 1948 Caddillac Series 62 Sedanette)

HogZZilla (Custom Harley Davidson designed by Billy Gibbons and built by legendary hot rod builder Pete Chapouris)

Koppermouth (1950's Ford Sedan with remodeled roof)

Slampala (Custom 1962 Chevrolet Impala)

Leapin' Limo (Stretched 1948 Pontiac Silver Streak)

8 Ball B (Custom 1992 BMW 325i)

This is seriously the only picture I could find

The Music of ZZ Top

I seem to have forgotten something. How could I have gone this long without talking about ZZ Top's music? Weird right? Well I'm gonna fix that right now.

ZZ Top is not a complicated creature. Their music has a constant theme.

Sex, Cars, Sex, Drinking, Sex, Prostitutes, and Sex with prostitutes.

This is "Mexican Blackbird" from the Fandango album. For you Yankees who don't know what a Mexican Blackbird is, it's a southern term for a half Mexican/ half negro prostitute.

And here is the hit "Alley Gator" from the album, Mescalero. For you Yankees who've never heard of an Alley Gator. It's a southern term for a prostitute.

And here they are playing the hit song "La Grange". For you Yankees who don't know about La Grange, it's about prostitutes.

And here is the classic love ballad "Pearl Necklace". For you Yankees who don't know what a pearl necklace is...... that is just adorable.

Protip: That's not jewelry she's talkin' 'bout. It really don't cost that much

The Music Videos of ZZ Top

ZZ Top revolutionized the story driven music video. Before them, music videos were just sweaty guys in a factory angrily jumping on shit. See: Slave to the Grind by Skid Row

ZZ Top changed all that. They showed the world what music videos are supposed to be about. Hot chicks, fast cars and bad acting; while also teaching the viewer a moral. While we never really learn what the moral of the story is, it's still fun to watch.

And of course.... the greatest video of all time. Ladies and Gents, Burger Man

You guys so CRAZY