Emergency Kits

Emergency Kits can be useful and fun for the whole family, while you're fighting for your life in the mountains of Tajikistan.

1 Backpack

The pictured backpack is made of high grade polyurethane fabric made in only the sweatiest of sweatshops in Indonesia. If you get attacked by a bear, you will have two options:

A. Use the backpack as a muzzle for the bear. This way the raging bear that wants to kill you will not be able to bite you.

B. Hide inside the backpack. If you get cornered by a bear in a backpack manufacturing building, this is perfect camouflage.

Can you tell there is a survivor hiding in this picture? We didn't think so.

2 Food Packages

Food not included. Can be used to store a wide variety of food items such as scorpions or a "Survivor's Lunch." See "Hand Warmers."

20 Water Packets

See "Food Packages."

1 Tube Tent

At least that's what the kids are calling it these days.

2 Waterproof Ponchos

If your submarine crashes, these will come in handy.

4 Hand Warmers

To keep your friend's hands warm for a late "survivor's lunch."

Not to be used for warming heads.

2 Dust Masks

This will protect you and your partner from the "Black Lung," if you are backpacking through Appalachia and accidentally become Coal Minors.

1 Hand-Crank Flashlight/Radio

If you get abducted by Yuppies, you can pretend that you bought this at Brookstone. When they excitedly rummage through their closet to show you the useless gadgets that they bought at Brookstone such as the "astronauts pen," the "hat with electric fan," and the "giant remote control," you can quietly slip out the side door.

1 Multifunction Tool

This item should not be confused with the surprisingly popular "Tool That Does Only One Useless Task." Since we find the name of this item to be confusing to some, this item will soon be renamed to "Thingy that Does Stuff."

1 Pair of Work Gloves

These come in handy if you are ever river rafting in South America, your raft capsizes, and you get stranded in the middle of the rain forest. In order to pay your way back home, you may need to get a job working for the rain forest demolition team.

Now Hiring!

1 Collapsible Water Jug

If you ever get stranded in a strange futuristic world where people go to war over drinking water, this jug can collapse so that it can fit into the cleverest of hiding places.

Mad Max carries his water

Be prepared.

1 Whistle

If you, by some freak accident, end up at a rave, jump around and blow on this. Ravers will instinctually think that you are awesome.

Justin was hiking in the middle of San Francisco and accidentally found himself at a rave. Don't worry; he survived, thanks to the whistle.

2 Light Sticks

See "Whistle."

1 Package of Waterproof Matches

Helpful for lighting waterproof fires. See "Waterproof Ponchos."

1 Pencil

If you decide you like your "survivor's life," this comes in handy for making hobo signs, writing an existential novel, or drawing pictures of your own poop.

60-feet Nylon Rope

This can be handy for kidnapping Nicaraguan Guerillas.

1 Roll of Waterproof Tape

If your submarine crashes, and your waterproof matches just won't light that fire, use this to keep the wood from getting wet. Can also be used over your mouth, if you are having problems holding your breath.

2 Cold Packs

These will keep your "survivor's lunch" cold. See "Hand Warmers."

2 Pair of Latex-Free Medical Gloves

Imagine you're stuck in the Australian outback. A hiking partner cuts her leg, and it gets infected with gangrene. You have to save her life by amputating her leg, but she's allergic to latex. Now imagine this happens twice.

6 Antimicrobial Hand Wipes

These "Hand" Wipes will be great for your "hands" in case they need to be wiped in some kind of emergency "hand" wiping scenario. If you have to poop in the middle of the woods, it's always great to have something to wipe your "hands."

1 Pair of Bandage Scissors

Because just plain scissors are not good enough, here are some scissors that will cut nothing but bandages.

1 Pair of Tweezers/Forceps

Your eyebrows will never look better for that ruggedly handsome rescuer.

2 Finger Splints

We felt this was more important than, "Leg Splints." For instance, your legs could never be used for writing clever notes.

1 First Aid Manual

We felt that if we included two different First Aid Manuals that it would be confusing in a survival situation.

1 Package of Facial Tissue

If you are stranded in the Andes, your tourist group was eaten by the wildlife, and you start to cry, these will come in handy.

2 Biohazard Waste Bags

Imagine you accidentally get into a car crash in the middle of the Nevada desert. You come across a pile of dead pig flu victims, and you think to yourself, "Self, I'd really like a souvenir from this amazing find, but what can I transport these with?"

5 - 3 in. x 0.75 in. Bandages

If you find yourself in a deadly sword fighting battle, these will come in handy.

5 - 3 in. x 1 in. Bandages

Sometimes you find yourself in a survival situation and you say to yourself, these 3" x 0.75" Bandages are just too small for my severed leg.

5 Knuckle Bandages

If your tourist shuttle bus crashes in the middle of Africa, you may find yourself compelled to take pictures of the beautiful scenery. But what if Russell Crowe is shooting his latest movie there. You could find yourself in a fistfight with Russell Crowe.

Seriously, don't aim a camera at this guy.

5 Fingertip Bandages

The climb out of that gorge you fell into is treacherous on your fingertips...of your left hand.

4 Gauze Pads

If you accidentally get into a dogfight with an F15 fighter jet, these could be useful.

1 Stretch Gauze 4 yd. x 2 in.

Used for giving first aid to Mr. Fantastic, Rubber Man, and other fictional stretchy characters.

1 Eye Pad

Can be useful for passing as a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or other pirate-based religions.

3 Sting Relief Wipes

These will relieve any and all former lead singers of The Police.

9 Antibacterial Wipes

See "Hand Wipes."

2 Triple Antibiotic Ointment Packets

Each packet contains up to a full 1/8 teaspoon of medicine. Great for cannonball wounds!

2 Burn Cream Packets

If someone sets you on fire, these will ease the pain twice.

2 Eye Wash Bottles

If you accidentally fall into a pool of radioactive ooze, you can use these to clean out your eyes.

4 Acetaminophen Tablets

These can treat up to two bear attacks.

4 Antacid Tablets

"Survivor's Lunch" can be rough on the stomach.

4 Ibuprofen Tablets

While the bear attack victim is busy with the acetaminophen, you can take these to relieve your headache from his annoying whine.

2 Anti-Diarrhea Tablets

New Item! By popular demand, these will replace the much less popular "Pro-Diarrhea Tablets" that used to be included.