Hollywood Needs More Black Superheroes

With the current goal in Hollywood to make Spiderman Black. Let's push the limits and see where it can go. It's 2010 and we like to redo things simply for the face value. Next up, we're rewriting Star Wars starring Keanu Reeves as Luke Skywalker.

Wrong one.

Just The Facts

  1. Comics were written a long time ago by white guys.
  2. White guys wrote about white guys.
  3. White guys are the devil, and the devil is crispy, so the superheroes could be a different race.
  4. If you take this article at more than comedic value, you shouldn't

A Black spiderman?!

I know.. you're screaming already done!.. Spiderman 3.. sucked. It was actually the first movie I've fallen asleep in since I think it was.. Star Trek : Deep Space Nine or somethin to that end. I was 5. I was 21 when I saw Spiderman 3. I'd rather watch Star Trek.

There's currently a big petition going around to have a black man play Peter Parker in Hollywoods reboot of Spiderman.

So you're sitting around asking yourself why?

Well the big wigs at the movie industry got together and decided to cast a nobody for the role of Peter Parker. Which in itself is not a terrible idea.

A casting consultant no doubt went to the local bars and strip clubs and found 5 guys that said they were actors. Being that in Hollywood credentials are as forged as that plastic surgeon I found to give me breast implants that look nice on my shelf they found 5 white guys to fill the role.

Except they were all bland.

Now I'm no big shot Hollywood producer, but I'm pretty sure that most nobodie in Hollywood are pretty bland.

So after 5 interviews with a bunch of boring white guys. The great minds that came together decided, "Why does Peter Parker have to be a white guy?"

The casting coordinator went out, and found what the internet community has deemed as the perfect actor, a man who already has several movies under his belt * I thought they wanted a nobody *

They threw out the nobodies and the collective minds of the internet that would be confused finding their way out of a paper bag took notice and started a petition.

Yep. That's it.

So let's look at the Pro's and Con's of having a black man play spiderman.

And by pro's and con's, I only mean the con's because the pro is that it's the exact same as every other spider man movie.. with a different guy.

Name a black geek....

Now I'm all for a mix up of things in the Spiderman series. It's not very old yet, so a reboot is definately needed with the attention span of todays youth.

I say youth because as many of us older folks are concerned. There can only be one true geek that has devoted his life to becoming a mad scientist and pining after the girl that he could never have until the last season.

That geek is Steve and he is king.

Our new Spiderman.

But for this article's sake, we shall assume that if we bulk up the geek and turn him into something completely different everyone will forget about Steve.

Now, in the comic book world, getting bitten by a spider can bulk you up to tremendous strength and change your looks so much that noone notices.

Luckily in this case, it was just a mad scientist that radiated a spider and not a mad scientist that created a potion or chamber or some other crazy way to change themselves.

Alright. Now that we've effectively taken the entire plot from Family Matters and placed it into the world of spiderman. Let us move forward.

Pete's new roots.

Alright, Light's! Camera! Action!

(Pan out Camera to Peter walking alone through a bad portion of the Bronx)

(Peter thinking to himself)

Man, Life sure is rough when you ain't got nothin'. Growing up in the hood I never thought it'd be so rough. Then one day the man makes me go to some museum and BAM. Supa' Powers. Now I can finally start cleaning up Hell's Kitche... I mean this part of New York. Hell's kitchen down the block.. Im'a have to go cap that Daredevil fool for coming up on my terf. I'll get to him later.

(Pan to scene of Spiderman, back in High School )

(Set up for racial problem involving white bully, "Flash" picking on nerdy Peter Parker, Prep Jesse Jackson to intervene)

Pete - Man Flash, you guys got to quit picking on me all the time. Don't you know its 2010 and everyone is exactly the same, anyone can do anything and I'm going to show them!

To be continued....

Subplot - Harry buys Pete

Let's talk about Pete's friend Harry, Upper class white guy, dad's eccentric... Harry wasn't always the nicest of guys.. I mean, he went behind Pete's back in Spiderman, stole his girl and didn't even bother to tell him about it. He drinks alot, listens to music from way back when, and has a man-servant. He'd probably try to buy off Peter in the same way that Virgil works for The Million Dollar man.

(Light's up to Peter and Harry hangng out in the mansion drinking at the poolside)

Harry - Man, Pete, Life sure is good when you're loaded like my dad is, thus making me also loaded because I'm my father's son and his money goes to me when he dies.. Which I'm pretty sure isn't going to happen anytime soon....

Pete - Yeah, Harry, all you ever do is talk about how much money you have and drink.. And when ever you drink you always start yelling at me. Screaming obscenities and blaming me for your fathers experiments in genetic engineering going wrong. Whih is funny because I know all about that and I'm only in high school and at no time will it pan to me reading an actual book on anything remotely related to the storyline of me being a geek. I wear glasses though.

Harry - Huh?

Pete - But you're right, Life sure does suck when you're poor. Having to live in the slums with Aunt May and Uncle 50 cent Ben. Delivering pizza's at the place that fires me at least once a week. But I also like to take pictures.. of Mary Jane.. in her room.

Harry - Speaking of Mary Jane, I've got a big bag of it right here, Let's finish it off.

Pete - But I heard drugs are bad for you and being a good student supercedes everything to include poisoning my brain with drugs.

Harry - Hey Pete, if I give you 500 bucks will you shut up?

Pete - Ok...