Eve

From Universal Mother to Winged Death: The Evolution of Eve

Just The Facts

  1. Eve is a woman every living human is descended from.
  2. In recent years, Eve has become less motherly and more murderly. She has also released some bangin' singles.
  3. In the future, Eve will likely destroy us all.

Eve 1.0

The first Eve that comes to mind for many people is the character from the Bible. The broad strokes of her story are common knowledge to anyone born and raised in the Western world: Eve was created by God in the Garden of Eden where she was to be mated with Adam, the first man. Life was idyllic until a snake convinced Eve to eat and share with Adam an apple from the Tree of Knowledge, whereupon both she and Adam became mortal and were expelled from Eden, and women were forever doomed to suffer the pain of childbirth and be subservient to men. Because knowledge fucking sucks, that's why. Adam and Eve would go on to have children, populating the world.

adam and eve costume

Some of those children would grow up to be douchebags.

But if you're the kind of person who likes your stories based on "facts" and "science", there's another version of the Eve story that can satisfy all your biochemistry fantasies (unless they involve lube and a test tube, in which case you might want to look up how to remove glass splinters instead). Mitochondrial Eve is the name given to the most recent common matrilineal ancestor of all modern humans. Living in Africa some 200,000 years ago, her mitochondrial DNA has been passed down from mother to child as seen in the following table:

mitochondrial Eve table

Importantly, Mitochondrial Eve is believed to have lived some 50-80,000 years before Mitochondrial Adam and was not the only woman alive at the time. Both Mitochondrial Eve and Mitochondrial Adam predate modern humans' most recent common ancestor, who may have existed as recently as 5,000 years ago.

Mitochondrial Eve

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGILF

Aficionados of the reimagined Battlestar Galactica series may remember that the character Hera Agathon was revealed as Mitochondrial Eve in the show's final episode, while fans of mediocre video games might remember Mitochondria Eve as the villainess of Parasite Eve for PlayStation. Either way, you're a dork.

BABY-MAKING POTENTIAL

According to the Bible, Eve likely had hundreds of years of child bearing, meaning that she could have given birth to more than 50 children. The number of children of Mitochondrial Eve is unknown. However, the procreation of the earliest Eve is obviously off the charts, with every human being on the planet today being a descendent. And the numbers are only going up.

duggars

WORLD-DESTROYING POTENTIAL

You might think that a woman who lived and died thousands of years ago is at a severe disadvantage when it comes to screwing over future generations, but you'd be wrong. Mutations of mitochondrial DNA have been linked to a wide variety of debilitating illnesses -- everything from anemia and lymphoma to seizures and neurodevelopmental disorders. And since every living person on the planet is linked to this ancient ancestor, it's only a matter of time before we're all destroyed from the inside out. Thanks, mom!

Eve 2.0

The change from universal mother to walking Death Star is a big one, and it would take several intermediate Eves to bridge the gap, each with less mothering potential and more ass-kicking tendencies. For example...

Eve Jeffers

Discovered by rapper Ma$e while working in a strip club in New York, Eve Jeffers became First Lady of the iconic hip hop group Ruff Ryders. She went on to experience international success as a solo artist and scored parts in various movies and TV shows, including her own sitcom. Her most recent album has been delayed repeatedly for years, but is expected to drop in 2010.

BABY-MAKING POTENTIAL

If you consider the images available on the Internet, you can't help but think about Eve's, uh, fertility (and by "fertility", we mean "boobs"). As a female entertainer, Eve is no stranger to leather and bare skin. And she certainly has the biological potential to be a mother. So it's hard to imagine that her sultry lip pouting and cleavage squeezing would have any other goal than her eventual impregnation...right? The message gets a little mixed, however, when you consider her lyrics, such as "You wanna fuck, you wanna fuck, you wanna fuck, but you can't fuck Eve."

Eve from Ruff Ryders

More likely to cock fingers than finger cocks

Eve was also once described by DMX as a pitbull in a skirt, an image which does put the kibosh on any whipped-cream-covered fantasies you might be harboring. And the lyrics to Dog Match (also featuring DMX), when taken squarely out of context, really don't help: "Fuckin' with the dog...Fuckin' with the dog...Eve will hold it down now...Woo!"

pitbull in a skirt

Hot.

WORLD-DESTROYING POTENTIAL

One of her earliest rap monikers, Eve of Destruction, does sound promising. But despite being assured that she has "always been the bitch that could roll with a thug," her role seems to have been limited to "wip[ing] up the blood." Essentially, when the Ruff Ryders were poppin' caps and spittin' fire, kickin' ass and takin' names, Eve was the one with the pencil and legal pad, her destruction seemingly limited to flaming rival emcees. Eve even speaks out against violence (most of the domestic kind) in songs such as Love is Blind.

However, claims of her ability to "kill competition when they listen just by the sound of [her] voice" give us hope that Eve will one day unleash her superhuman siren-song sonic slayer to rid the world of Lil Kim forever. And it wouldn't take much, either: Your Honor, "[she] caused [her] own extermination not knowing how to act."

Eve 3.0

Purposely named after the Biblical character, EVE (Extraterrestrial Vegetation Evaluator), best known from the Pixar film Wall-E, is a robot sent to Earth to search for plant life, which will determine the planet's habitability for humans.

EVE from Wall-E

EVE's directive is complete when a plant is located and returned to the spaceship carrying the descendents of Earth's last humans, who have since become so dependent on motorized transportation and meals in a cup that they have "evolved" into blubbery gobs with tiny bird skeletons. The humans are then returned to the planet their ancestors left behind, to build a better society on Earth while aided by their robot companions, all to an uplifting soundtrack the likes of which only Disney can provide. EVE's ubersophisticated technology is then used to carry out construction and farming methods already in use on Earth thousands of years earlier -- you know, when technology consisted of 4,000 starving slaves and was powered by whip-wielding men with spectacular mustaches and sinister, gold-toothed grins.

temple of doom

Progress

BABY-MAKING POTENTIAL

Nonexistant -- completely lacks reproductive capabilities. EVE's femininity is all part of "her" programming, which was no doubt all future men too bulbous and atrophied to make proper use of a sexbot could muster.

robot sex

Pictured: Too much fucking work

WORLD-DESTROYING POTENTIAL

In additional to its Biblical namesake, EVE has been compared to the dove in the story of Noah's ark. That might be a valid comparison, if the dove in the Bible had plucked the olive branch it carried back to the ark, and then shit a nuclear egg on the tree it came from. Equipped with a plasma cannon which can level large portions of planet in a single blast, EVE doesn't think twice about vaporizing anything -- from rusted, useless ocean liners to rusted, useless robots -- that gets in the way. It would likely be only a matter of time before that firepower was turned on the slug-people that insist on using advanced floating robots to do a job that a sharp stick could accomplish.

Eve 4.0?

Judging by the previous examples, the final incarnation of Eve will be a robot who eats babies and sterilizes their parents (the ones who aren't already dead from inherited diseases) while blowing shit up for the sheer awesomness of it.

eve 4