Hoboes! Or is it Hobos!? Is there a more terrifying word in the english language? What are these creatures and what do they want? I have dedicated my life to understanding these unique creatures. My findings have been chilling, to say the least.
Just The Facts
- As of this year, 2010, there have been at least three Hobo presidents. The most notable was Herbert Hoover, inventor of the Hooverville. The other two may surprise you.
- Trash, in all of it's forms, is the property of Hobokind. A common hobo activity is defecating onto coveted items in order to make them into trash.
- It is possible to become so traumatized as to become a hobo. Hobo-induced trauma is especially effective at this.
- Hobophobia is the term for a pathological fear of hoboes. If you don't have this phobia, perhaps you should try.
- Hoboes are travellers by nature, but whenever a group congregates they do so in so-called "Hobo Jungles" Anyone who isn't a trained Hobologist should avoid these at all cost.
- Hoboes have their own language, hobese. To the untrained ear, it sounds like the nonsensical ravings of a madman strung out on cheap hooch. This is because it is that.
- If you see a hobo coming at you with a fork in one hand and a hobo knife in the other, you should run your ass off.
- If you are ever in a train car and you don't see any hoboes, then you must be the hobo. Accept it.
- Sewer Hoboes are also known as C.H.U.D.s. While these are no more dangerous then the average hobo, they smell a little worse.
- There are several unspeakable cults whose followers are exclusively hobo. Hobo cults are almost always Doomsday cults.
- It is a commonly accepted fact amongst hobokind that while any dog carcass is acceptable, sheepdogs possess the softest fur.
- Open sewers are also known as Hobo Waterfalls. Most normal hobos shun these, as they are the home of C.H.U.D.s.
- In any hobo group there is always a Lil'est Hobo, a hobo cook, and a hobo king.
- An apocryphal hobo legend tells of a true Hobo King, but it is impossible to tell if he really exists.
- Contrary to traditional wisdom, hobo fires are the only true cause of global warming. This is because they are the most efficient method of energy generation known to man.
The Hobo Menace.
I walk these city streets in the dead of summer, and yet I can't escape a chill that permeates to my very core. I see the homeless and the broken bums who settle under the bridges and in the unwanted slums of urban decay, but I do not fear them. Most of these poor souls are merely down on their luck, and mean the average citizen no specific harm. The Hobo is a different animal, however. An early fascination with the Hobo has led me to catalogue their lives, and to this end I have studied them closely for several years. Armed with a steady supply of rotgut, I have managed to suss out a wealth of information on the hobo (as seen in the previous infographic). What I have also gleaned from my research has been a great deal more disturbing. I have seen a mob of nude and semi-nude hoboes dancing in the moonlight before a great carven idol. I have seen a mob of hungry hungry hoboes feast on the flesh of the living. I have even seen a half-hobo, half-wolf. Before my very eyes the beast overtook a speeding train, devoured the engineer, and with each box car glutted with hobo passengers he drove that train straight into a city. That city was once called Topeka, Kansas, but it is now nothing more then a vast hobo jungle that spreads further every day. That catastrophic event could spell doom or worse, assimilation, for millions of innocents foolish enough to live in Kansas.
I close this with a stern warning: If you ever encounter a hobo, do not engage it! Even the most innocuous hobo who kind of looks like a sad clown can hold a hobo knife. That hobo knife could be serving up slices of your children this very day if you are not prepared!