Cephalopods

Cephalopods are are the class of mollusks scientists classify squid, octopuses, squid, cuttlefish, and all of your greatest nightmares into.

Japan's taken to them pretty well. Aside from the tentacle rape that is.

Just The Facts

  1. Cephalopods are well known for prioritizing- grow, bone, die.
  2. Cephalopods are also well known for raping Japanese schoolgirls.
  3. Cephalopods feed on your fear.

What's so scary about cephalopods?

Cephalopods are the creatures you're secretly afraid of but don't know it yet. Everyone, man, woman, or child, is built with a deep rooted fear of cephalopods. I can say this with 100% accuracy, because the results of a recent study which was totally conducted by a person other than me who may or may not exist has confirmed this claim. It's a deep fear that roots itself back to our time in the womb, when we were surrounded by a constant fear of being eaten by a womb octopus.

There are a few good, scientific reasons that evolution has instilled in us such a fear, and it's only because of those fears that we're still alive today.

They can hunt you down, no matter where you go.

Cephalopods are found in ALL of our oceans. Ever gone to the beach? They were there. Watching. Waiting. They let you use their waters out of a sheer, noble benevolence. The second you anger them, they will rip you to shreds.

"Okay, they're in the water, so what? If they're ever actually a threat I'm on land. Or on a boat. They don't pose a threat." It's really too bad that some cephalopods can fly up 50 meters. Not feet. Not yards. No, they use metric. Probably because their brains are also incredibly large and capable of both problem solve and freaking observational learning. If they want to kill you, they either fly at your face or they will drive to your house after watching you do it.

They can rip you apart

What's some squid/octopus/whatever going to do to me? I've EATEN them. "Let them fly at me," you're probably saying, "free dinner." Do you remember when you played that video game, and all the enemies on the first level died if you stared at them hard enough? Cephalopods when God thought he could make it as a video game designer. Except like most amateur game designers, he doesn't want to make a good game, he just wants to screw you. Giant squids have been recorded up to 10 meters long. Those are just the ones we've caught. There have been reports of squids up to twice as long. There are similar reports for octopus, some weighing about 165 pounds. To put this in perspective, the average male at 5'10" weighs 145 pounds. And we're built out of heavier material.

This probably actually happened

Based on a True Story

They're Ninjas

Cephalopods are capable of changing color. Not like chameleons. Better. They can blend into their surroundings within milliseconds.

Imagine this, but on your ceiling.

This. but on your ceiling.

The truth is, they could be ANYWHERE. Ever thought you saw something out of the corner of your eye, but you turned around and realized it was a trick of the light? The wind? Or that you were just tired? You saw something alright. You saw a hundred giant flying land octopuses with their master's degrees coming for your flesh.

And then of course, there's always the ink sac. Say you find one, and you load your gun ready to fire... but before you can aim there's a sudden cloud of smokescreen and suddenly you can't see a thing. By the time you recover, it'll be invisible again, waiting to attack you with one of it's many shark-slaying tentacles.

Or it could duplicate itself. It's called a psuedomorph. They squirt out their ink into a form that approximately resembles themselves, throwing off oncoming predators. This wont work on land as well as it does underwater, because, you know, gravity works a lot better here, so you're mostly safe from the shadowy forms of two giant squids coming to rip you to shreds.

Or maybe that's just what they want you to think.