Elton John

UK-born singer/songwriter/composer/philanthropist, and reason your grandparents are scared of homosexuals. One of the main reason your parents aren't.

Image written by Christian Madera, gussied up by Randall Maynard

This is one of the least absurd pictures of Elton John

Just The Facts

  1. Elton John was born Reginald Dwight
  2. Elton John has had a long, successful career of composing, performing, and wearing ridiculous clothes
  3. If Elton John could, he would stab AIDS to death with a broken beer bottle

REALLY Early Career

Reginald Dwight dropped out of some prestigious music conservatory in the UK to join a rock band called Bluesology. They got kind of a big break when blues singer "Long" John Baldry asked them to be his back-up band in 1966. The band split up in 1968, at which point Reginald realized that 'Reginald' is a terrible name for a rock musician. So he took the stage name 'Elton John' in tribute to Elton Dean (the sax player from Bluesology) and John Baldry.

Having gone solo and gotten himself a proper rock name, Elton John formed a songwriting partnership with lyricist Bernie Taupin. Bernie Taupin has the ability to use allegory and irony in his lyrics to express profound truths about the human condition (see: Original Version of "Candle in the Wind," "My Father's Gun," "I've Seen That Movie Too," et. al.). He also has the ability to write lyrics that make no fucking sense at all (see: "Take Me To The Pilot," "Tiny Dancer," et. al.). Elton John has the ability to make both scenarios into good songs.

Suicide Attempt

It wasn't until 1969 that Elton John finally came to terms with his own sexuality. At that point, homosexuality was still illegal, so it probably took brass balls to come out. But still, there were clues...

Still, there were clues...

In any case, his coming out was catalyzed by a relationship with a woman, whom he almost married. His confusion over the situation drove him to attempt suicide. He was saved, mid-attempt, by Bernie Taupin and John Baldry. So, just so we're clear, Elton John once had to have this man tell him to reconsider his marriage:

This event later became the inspiration for one of Elton John's most popular songs and, subsequently, the soundtrack to the climax of 'Hamlet 2,' though there wasn't a youtube video for that.

Early Career

Elton John's first album, 'Empty Sky,' came out in 1969. Nobody really cared.

People started to pay attention in 1970 when he released 'Elton John.' This was largely because of the hit single 'Your Song.' If you haven't heard the orginal version of this song, you must have at least heard Ewan MacGregor sing it in 'Moulin Rouge.'

Elton John followed 'Elton John' up with 'Tumbleweed Connection,' which was a theme album about cowboys. Surprisingly enough, it kicked staggering amounts of ass, despite the fact that few people talk about it anymore. In a gay cowboy barfight, Elton John would single-handedly beat the shit out of both of the 'Brokeback Mountain' guys. This is what google image thinks about gay cowboy barfights:

Middle Career

Elton John produced his most memorable work between 1971 and 1978. As a result, he became phenomenally rich during this period, and started taking a lot of drugs, because, fuck it, that was what you did with your money in the 70's.

Possibly relatedly, this was when he developed some of his most outrageous on-stage outfits. Among these were a life-sized Donald Duck suit, and a Dodgers uniform in which the pinstripes were made of Christmas lights. I wish I were a good enough comedy writer to be making this shit up.

Latter Career

Elton John continues writing, performing, and getting fat to this day. He has also won numerous awards for his work on various Broadway musicals and Disney movies (Where the link would be if there was anyone left who hadn't seen 'Lion King.').

At some point in his life, he realized that he'd dodged a bullet, since he'd spent most of the 70's taking drugs and having unprotected sex, and somehow hadn't gotten AIDS. Then, as more and more of his friends began passing from the disease, he realized he'd done the equivalent of play Russian roulette with an Uzi, and half of the bullets turned out to be duds while the other half quantum tunneled around his brain somehow.

Like this ...but with a penis. And a butt.

He's contributed a huge portion of his fortune to the cause of fighting AIDS, which if you think about it, is probably what Bruce Wayne would have done if he was gay (or in the case of any comics and movies containing Robint, if he knew he was gay).