Hip-hop- not a cool form of jumping. Not a bone made out of an ingredient for beer. Not even (insert other not-very-hilarious pun here). No, it's music, where success is measured in convictions.

What old white people used to think hip-hop was. They hated it.

What old white people think hip-hop is now. They hate it.

The reason why they hate it.

Just The Facts

  1. Hip-hop was invented because Jamaicans already had a form of rap called 'toasting', but that had a different meaning in the hood.
  2. Hip-hop is named after the music genre of itself, because that's what it is, stupid!
  3. The bright, funky feel of early hip-hop was abandoned when rappers watched Twilight and saw girls like moody dudes, so they went and dark and gangsta-ey.
  4. Twilight is a recurring theme of rap music, with Nas going as far as to want Jacob as his leader on the song Black President.
  5. If you didn't get that last fact, learn Twilight! This is why you're not getting pussy!

Hip-hop- the ROOTS (multi-layered pun intended)

From the time Adam first thought: "Hey, if I say 'He made you from my rib-cage. Now can you suck my Big Snake?" people have things sound better (and more persuasive) when rhymed. It worked for Adam, because thanks to his lyrical ability, God made 'Go forth and multiply' his first command. Adam also learned another key skill of hip-hop- topical references. By calling his dong a 'Big Snake', he made a comparison to the Snake which was dooming them to eternal sin and shit like that. Because that is what hip-hop does- it holds up a mirror to society, but then mainly shouts 'Damn, you one ugly muhfucka!'

Our social conscience

Our social conscience

Eventually people realised rhyming was for more than just sex. It was for fighting people too.Both African and Celtic wordsmiths seperately developed verbal contests, which were like Miss World Contests but only with fewer physical boobs and more metaphorical boobs (which are less entertaining, and also less boob-y. Ha-ha, I said booby!). Various styles would come and go, but eventually, they met with a fusion of cultures in the Caribbean. This fusion created two new cultures- Jamaican Toasting (eventually), and 'Yo Mama' jokes. Isn't it a brilliant example of multicultural creativity which has only brought benefit to mankind?

Oh yeah. Well, you knew there was going to be a contradiction with a build up like that.

Finally, we got Old Skool hip-hop, which was awesome, like a genetically-modified shark which reproduces entirely by the power of its 'frickin' laser beams'. By the way, that simile was an example of sampling- taking something old and using it for something new. But enough of the Old Skool- go listen for yourself, bitches! Let's sample into something new!

That something new I was just talking about

New Shit

Most of anything anyone has heard of is new technically. Think you appreciate classics for having that one 2Pac song on your iPod? He's still new, despite being dead for 14 years (now you at home can put in your own TOTALLY hilarious and original joke about how he might be alive- go on, you know you want to).

If you instead opted for some '2Pac is Obama' joke, then welcome to lunatic conspiracy theories. Also, YOU'RE FUCKING BLIND!

As nearly everyone in the running for GOAT (Goatiest Of All Time) is 'new', let's discuss some of the biggest names and personalities (seriously, let's just do it, quit wasting your time reading this and... oh, you did).

B.I.G Names, sometimes B.I.G Faces


If you're reading this and don't know who he is, seriously just stop fucking reading right now, but even more seriously, don't, otherwise you'll never know, unless you use Wikipedia (also, is there a wiki for paedophilia called Paedopedia- genuinely let me know).

Anyway, generally regarded as the best rapper of all time (at least for his message), whereas the lady I visted earlier is generally regarded by me as having given the greatest happy ending of all time (because of her massage). How are the two similar- they both got shot in the chest by my load. Oh yeah, I killed 2Pac (case closed). Oh yeah, 2Pac's famous for getting shot (if you don't know that, this time, really leave). Oh yeah, he made some good songs as well.

Yeah, him again (seriously, you gotta know this guy, if you don't etc.)


He was the Birthday Boy, but he still wasn't happy

Christopher Wallace, known as 'Biggie', 'Biggie Smalls', the 'Notorious B.I.G', the 'Notoriously Big B.I.G' and the 'B.I.G with the Notoriously Big Mr Big in his Smalls (who has a big dick in case you can't understand that)'; was 2Pac's great rival. He made songs, fought 2Pac and was so obese he only started rapping to feed his drug addiction to food (citation needed). He was also shot, one year after 2Pac, because he wanted to prove he could have a more badass death than his great rival.


The man who changed hip-hop forever, by introducing the concept of 'flow'. The story goes that one day he saw some water flowing and said: "Man, if we rap to get pussy, if we rap like the water, we can DROWN in pussy!" And drown in pussy he literally did (in the future, hopefully, because yes, this guy is ACTUALLY ALIVE!!!!).

"Don't fuck with me bitch- my facial hair is WAY more ciricular than yours will ever be!"


N.A.S (Never A Sucka) did the same thing Rakim did, but different. He created a new syncopated flow, and used it to devastating effect on his classic debut album Ill Attic, implying he was so ill he had managed to reach the top level of the house of hip-hop, the attic. Then he tried to do the same thing again and again and no one really noticed till he got in a fight with Jay-Z of Roc-a-Fella Records. Guess what he called him? If you guessed 'Gay-Z' of 'Cock-a-Fella' Records, then you too are a hip-hop genius. Or a middle-school bully who has just discovered that his penis can make a Harry Potter petronas if you rub it enough.

Seriously though, respect this guy. He's friends with Bob Marley's son, and has picked up some of his eerie (get it?!) reggae powers.


'Eminem', 'Marshall Mathers III', 'Slim Shady', 'that guy who hates his mom', 'that guy who hates his wife' or 'that one rapper you listen to', is the man who has done the most to make rap mainstream, yet also a woman (source: Without Me video). He started out as Bart Simpson, with his high, nasal voice, small stature, rebellious ways, blond hair and the hatred of the middle classes. Now though, he's come out of his Otto (drugged-up) period and according to some of his recent subliminal rhymes, may have become Ned Flanders. Oh yeah, and he made some revolutionary music too, but like Pac, his life has been the main focus.

Yeah, that sums up his personal life really. Seriously again though, Recovery is quality (though I am legally obliged to say I haven't heard it ;))

50 Cent

The epitome of gangsta, and the role model for everyone in the world who doesn't know what the word 'epitome' means. He can actually rap, but chooses not to because the simple shit sells. He gets the best beats but usually wastes them, like Mike Tyson who forgot to recycle (ok, that didn't really work). He recently lost a Fuckton of weight (as we all know, named after the French botanist, Louis Fuckton) for a role as a cancer sufferer, confirming the other crazy internet rumours that Christian Bale and 50 Cent are really the same person.

He's also the epitome of steroids.

Lil Wayne

Drugs have ruined his memory, so he uses his body to write down everything important to him. Some think he may be planning to gain enough weight to have space to write his grocery list.

Lil Wayne, Weezy, Dwayne Carter, Weezy F Baby (whatever you do, don't forget the F, it stands for 'I'll fucking kill you if you forget the F') The whee... aw fuck it, he's called Lil Wayne, ok? While Eminem was away, Weezy took over the position of 'the rapper you listen to to sound edgy and 'down with the kids''. He's known for being 'Lil' and for having a high, nasal rapping voice- sound familiar? Well, he does something different- while Eminem ODs on sleeping pills, Wayne ODs on autotune. If you hear a cat being castrated in a recording studio, yet who is being castrated extremely lyrically with exaggerated metaphors, then chances are that you are listening to a lyrically genius cat being castrated, but it wouldn't sound too different to Lil Wayne.

And The Others

The above list is in no order and isn't a list of the greatest or maybe even the most influential. But they're the ones I thought of, so shut the fuck up! But because I love you really, I'll give you a list of names of rappers who people don't really like to listen to that much, but make you sound hardcore (and some who are very successful mainstream but that I was too lazy to write about).

Jay-Z (some say he's the best, I don't)

Drake (hip-hop's saviour who is only average)

B.O.B (a rising star who makes songs you don't have to pretend to like)

Immortal Technique (going underground now- a brilliant talent who everyone CLAIMS to love)

N.W.A (pioneers of Gangsta- they coined the phrase 'Fuck Tha Police', giving thirteen year-olds a way to sound hard and urban)

Wu-Tang Clan (awesomely named awesome rappers, who have the smartest man in hip-hop in it- RZA who is a chess genius with an IQof 159)

Black Thought (see Immortal Technique)

Kanye West (famous for taking Taylor Swift's dignity, when he realised he couldn't take her virginity)

Barack Obama (the first hip-hop President, according to this totally hilarious Youtube video I found. He also dissed Kanye and kicks ass)

Paul Wall (what happens when Southern Christians realise they're not as cool as they thought)

Weird Al Yankovic (surprisingly skilled, as I'm sure anyone reading this knows)

Grandmaster Flash (name drop)

Pharoahe Monche (name drop)

KRS-1 (that robot next to Admiral Akbar)

P Diddy (a man who unwisely named himself after the tinyness of his penis)

Flo Rida (a rapper who realised you don't even have to try to be hard, if you just steal old songs and market to teen girls)

Africa Bambaataa (drop his name like a Victorian gentleman would drop his bowler hat to the ground in amazement at a Britney Spears commando appearance)

The other others

Please let me know how much of a cockwhale I am in the comments by missing out your favourite, or tell me that (guy I haven't included) was the greatest of all time and revolutionised rap.

What I am, according to you, hypothetical hater. Though I put it to you that you, my good sir, are the cockwhale.