Lifegaurding

This stuff called water falls out of the sky. People jump in it and use their adapted-for-terrestrial-locomotion bodies to flail around as an excuse to look at boobs. Lifeguards make this process safe...when they're not also looking at the boobs.

If you've seen a sign like this one, your parents have tried to off you.

Fanny pack may or may not contain anything helpful. Probably not.

Don't worry--I got ya.

Just The Facts

  1. Modern lifeguarding is performed by texting while waiting for someone to scream.
  2. As a lifeguard, you are also a babysitter, complaint department, and belongings-holder.
  3. Pool lifeguards are to beach lifeguards as security guards are to FBI agents.
  4. Lifegaurding is a lot like lifeguarding, but for people who don't pay attention to what topic they're signing up for in Most Wanted Topics.

Lifeguarding and You

It's a safe bet you're reading this because you're already a lifeguard, or have been one in the past. Otherwise, you're probably just obsessed with one (hello, Borat) or like to study the careers of teenagers on comedy websites. Whichever thing brings you here, this breakdown is being written by an 8-year lifeguard veteran, so it's straight from the water horse's mouth.

Here is the water buffalo:

Lifeguarding Life Lessons

  • Children are unpredictable, and will attempt to maim and mangle themselves and others, laughing hysterically all the while; children are miniature Charles Mansons
  • Old people believe that you are the all-knowing pool god, with the power to instantly heat or cool the water, and that the types of prayers you enjoy are loud remarks of discontent
  • The less attractive a person is, the less shame they have about flaunting this fact in uncomplimentary swim wear, and in the locker rooms, chatting to you while 100% naked (the horror...the horror...)
  • Lockers themselves are not, as seems to be the commonly held belief, unwanted-clothing-eating monsters who take joy in consuming your soiled underpants and old shorts
  • It isn't possible to get some kids to stop running. You just have to let them shatter their skulls in 15 places and hope they can hear the "I told you so" through the leaking brain matter

On second thought, I'll take the fat one.