Dukes of Hazzard

The Dukes of Hazzard was a long-running CBS television show starring a 1969 Dodge Charger and Catherine Bach's ass in short shorts. We have obtained the actual hand-written script series creator Gy Waldron used for every episode:

Well, hello there Daisy Duke!  You were easily the best thing about this show, and we can't imagine a single horrible fashion trend that would occur in your honor...

We also have a picture of her from the front.  Thank us for choosing this one instead.

Just The Facts

  1. Beginning in 1979, The Dukes of Hazzard somehow lasted for seven seasons and 145 episodes despite the fact that every show was exactly the same.
  2. The show is still beloved by many people in the Southeastern United States, particularly by those who use the term "toothbrush" literally.
  3. The Duke boys were constantly involved in car chases with the law, even though the authorities chasing them knew exactly who they were and where they lived.

Just a Good Ol' Boys

The Dukes of Hazzard was an hour-long show created by Gy Waldron about a family of moonshiners and their supposedly hilarious misadventures in dealing with the crooked local authorities and various other miscreants that happened through Hazzard County. The idea for the show was inspired by Waldron's forgettable 1975 film Moonrunners, which featured the oldest son of Robert Mitchum and Officer LaRue from Hill Street Blues as guys driving recklessly while carrying 100% alcohol jugs of Mountain Brew. The movie is also notable as the only film you can see former professional wrestler Happy Humphrey.

Happy Humphrey (left, 750 lbs) "wrestles" Haystacks Calhoun (only 600 lbs). If you guessed that Humphrey's character in Moonrunners was named "Tiny", you win a prize.

So, from a thin premise, a television legend was born. We could type out a bunch of words about how the show featured a subtext of moral choices and the triumph of good over sinister, and how its popularity stemmed from sharp writing and well-developed characters.

But that would be a bathtub full of bullshit. Here is why the show stayed on the air for seven seasons:

The General Lee jumps! Over and over and over again! Yeehaw!

Daisy Duke runs around in skimpy clothing! Over and over and over again! Yeehaw!

We Reckon You Wanna Know Who's Who

The horn on the General Lee plays Dixie. Not pictured: the burnt corks and tailcoats the Duke boys used in their weekly minstrel show in Hazzard Square.

The General Lee: Easily the iconic image of the show, The General Lee was a 1969 Dodge Charger painted to look like what would happen if an old-school NASCAR racing machine and a racist tomato ever produced a child. The signature move of the General was a majestic, high-speed leap through the air that would always put an end to the myriad car chases this vehicle was involved in. If you want to know more about this car, Wikipedia has a 3000+ word article dedicated to it. Most of the words are even spelled correctly!

Sexy! (circa 1981)

Bo Duke: That's the blonde one up there who misplaced the top buttons on his shirt. Bo was the muscle of the duo, often getting into fistfights and shooting exploding arrows at various Hazzard County flora. He was usually the driver the the General, and punctuated the jumps with the classical Latin phrase "Yeeeeeee-Hawwwwwww!" Bo was played by John Schneider, who went on to a fairly reputable career as a country music singer. To be fair, half of his songs are slight varations of him shouting "Yeeeeeee-Hawwwwwww!" while continuously jumping over a on-stage creek of cheap beer and broken bottles, but, hey, the guy has to make a living.

Luke Duke: He's the dark-haired chap up there who misplaced the top buttons on his shirt. Luke was the brains of the pair, mostly because he knew what those funny symbols on the side of the General Lee were. Luke's signature was his slide across the hood of the car whenever the boys needed to escape from trouble (which was, of course, every week). He became so accustomed to sliding across elongated surfaces that he eventually was banned from the Duke family Thanksgiving table by an infuriated Uncle Jesse, who got tired of seeing Luke's assprints in the cranberry sauce every year. Luke was played by Tom Wopat, who has gone on to a varied career that includes singing, television, and Broadway.

Daisy Duke: Daisy, portrayed expertly by Catherine Bach, is the young cousin of Bo and Luke. Her steadfast devotion to her family, matched with her quiet aplomb, make Daisy a lynchpin character on this show. Working as a waitress for the evil Boss Hogg, she subjects herself to indignities on par with a tragic heroine of ancient Greek lore, and she does it solely so her beloved Uncle Jesse can continue to lead a dignified, meaningful life at his advanced age. As an illustration of Daisy's familial devotion, here's a picture of her in a bikini top:

Bach's Skin Ta-tas (in C Major)

Uncle Jesse: Uncle Jesse is the Duke cousins' uncle, who took the kids in after their parents... well, the show never really explained just what the hell happened to their parents, so we'll speculate here and assume they died from excessive book learnin'. Anyways, Jesse is a cantankerous old coot who tries to give sage advice to the kids about right and wrong while conveniently forgetting his past as a law-flaunting moonshine runner. Jesse was played by Denver Pyle, a longtime character actor whose other work includes the roles of Mad Jack the Mountain Man on The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams and, well, his IMDB page has 254 separate acting credits. You go pick a second one out, and we'll wait here. We promise we won't move on until you get back.

Sorrell Booke graduated from both Yale and Columbia universities, served the U.S. during the Korean War as a counterintelligence officer, fluently spoke five languages, and once conducted the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra. Naturally, he is best known for playing Boss Hogg, a greedy fatass in white polyester.

J.D. "Boss" Hogg: The main antagonist in the show, Boss Hogg is driven by a voracious appetite for money and deep-fried foods. Most episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard centered around the Duke boys' attempts to stop Hogg's various cornball schemes. In truth, Hogg probably would have succeeded more often than not if he didn't place so much faith in his borderline-retarded hillbilly police force to execute his plans. It was revealed on the show that Hogg and Jesse were competing "shine runners" in their early days, but the show never elaborated on how one guy became the owner of essentially everything in Hazzard County while the other guy turned into a crapulent curmudgeon on a farm that doesn't seem to ever grow anything. Hogg has a nephew (Jamie Lee) who later became First Officer on the USS Enterprise.

We're not sure why the Rosco action figure looks like a steroid-fueled Pat Sajak getting ready for a fun night alone. Then again, we're not sure why there's a Rosco action figure.

Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Rosco is the bumbling dipshit sheriff of Hazzard County and Boss Hogg's right-hand man (although his right hand is not actually curled into a state of permanent self-gratification like the toy pictured above...well, except during that three episode story arc during Season Four when his pretty half-sister visited Hazzard). Here's what the Sheriff does in the average Dukes of Hazzard show...and the below-average ones, too. There were no above-average ones:

1. Trick the Duke boys into breaking the law by using fake traffic signs and/or surreptitiously switching the music in the General Lee's eight track player to Ice Cube's AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted.

2. Engage in "Hot Pursuit!", which means chasing the Dukes until the cousins locate one of Hazzard's many ramps and jump over a two-foot wide creek. Rosco tries to follow but screws it up, destroying yet another police car.

3.Get yelled at by Boss Hogg, learn nefarious plan, then drive out to the Duke farm...which he could have done in the first fucking place without obliterating his cruiser.

4. Some retarded plot device engages, Rosco does something else stupid, but the Dukes save the day. Cut, wrap, air it after Hee Haw.

Rosco is played by James Best, yet another actor on this show who had a long history of character roles in film and television before getting roped into this silly franchise which became his defining legacy. Here's a picture of him rising from a coffin during a starring turn on an episode of The Twilight Zone.

Deputy Enos Strate: Enos was the straight-laced, incorruptible cop on the Hazzard police force, which naturally made him a frequent target of Sheriff Rosco's ridicule. Enos was madly in love with Daisy, but the cruel realities of Georgia law would prevent them from ever getting married (they weren't related). Daisy would take advantage of his cravings by cockteasing him until he revealed Boss Hogg's Stupid Moneymaking Scheme of the Week. Halfway through The Dukes of Hazzard series run, the producers decided the most uninteresting character on the show needed a spinoff, and thus Enos was born.

Enos' LAPD partner on the show Enos. Yes, really.

Enos was canceled after one season, and Sonny Shroyer reprised the role on Dukes until the series ended a couple of years later. Shroyer went on to other small acting gigs, most notably as coach Paul "Bear" Bryant in Forrest Gump.

Cooter Davenport: Cooter owns the Hazzard County Garage and is the guy who has to repair the damaged cars instigated by the Duke's airborne antics and the police department's all-around numbfuckery. Played by future Georgia congressman Ben Jones, Cooter is wild and unkempt true Southern boy, and the kind of guy that inspires people to write novels like Deliverance. Jones once boycotted a few episodes of Dukes during a dispute with the show's producers over whether the Cooter should be clean-shaven or hairy and scruffy. The producers won:

A neat and tidy shaved Cooter