5 Things Fat People Shouldn't Wear

There's nothing wrong with being overweight, though some people attempt to hide their weight problem behind their sense of "style" while others are just overconfident. The truth is, you have to find a balance. These are examples that tip the scales.

Just The Facts

  1. What works for someone else may not work for you.
  2. Trying too hard usually makes things worse.
  3. You may think you're beautiful, but others will disagree.

The List

5. Tight clothes

It's always hard to find clothes that fit you, especially after Joe's discount parachutes closed down. This does not mean it's a good idea to bring out the plastic wrap and spandex.

I know some people wear tighter clothes to feel better about themselves. They dread the fact that they may be overweight, so they combat the idea by wearing clothing multiple sizes too small. Of course, this has no benefit to their own weight, but may help others lose some pounds through bulemia.

It's one thing to have a muffin top, but when your sides match up with soft-serve you need bigger clothes.

You are what you eat.

4. Large amounts of make-up

Make-up makes women prettier; it covers imperfections, makes eyes and lips look bigger, and generally improves appearance. This does not mean, however, that more make-up = more beautiful. Sure, it's cute when a little girl gets into her mother's make-up and covers her face in lipstick, but it doesn't always work that way.

"Just a few more layers and he'll love me."

It's alright to use make-up to improve your appearance (even if it does make you a dirty liar), but keep it under control. After so much is applied, you just look like you're sad and/or a serial killer.

"I spend almost as much time in the mirror as I do the basement."

3. Heels

These are shoes with a weight limit: literally. You'd never see a 400 pound person on stilts for good reason, and if stilts had to have a midget cousin, they would be heels. Just hearing the idea of shoes that could break should be enough to keep the gravitationally blessed away from them. But I guess you could say the same for some furniture.

He hasn't been the same since Fat Tony broke his legs.

Damaging our roadways aside, fat people in heels are just a hilarious tradgedy waiting to happen. The old saying "the bigger they are, the harder the fall" holds true, and can mean dangerous repercussions to innocent bystanders.

Lucky for us they rarely take the stairs.

2. Thongs

You were just waiting for this one to show up. While this could be placed in the "tight clothes" category, I believe it important enough to put into it's own grouping. The main reason for this is that there seems to be an entire movement for the outlaw of thongs on anyone who weighs more than 120 pounds. Unless they resemble Carmen Elektra, I don't believe anyone should be showing their underwear in public. The problem with fat people wearing thongs, is that they don't even have the decency to show their underwear; they just show their ass. The solution lies within a simple mathematical formula:

Personal Surface Area2 x 0.2 = Yards of fabric

1. Nothing

Speaking of showing your ass, don't. Whatever you do in the privacy of your own home with Springer on the T.V. and a bottle of Ranch dressing is your own business. If I really wanted to see that, I'm sure the URL exists.