The Guitar

You probably think the guitar is a musical instrument.WRONG.The guitar is a sex machine.period.Not in the sense that it has sex constantly, more in the sense, it will make YOU have sex constantly, if you carry it around with you.

Actual sex machine

Just The Facts

  1. The guitar was invented by some Spanish dude who decided the Lute just wasn't gettin' him enough
  2. The guitar has been used for centuries to express the soul of man, and the suicide notes of the emos
  3. If you haven't guessed already...chicks are crazy for a guitar playin' fool (see picasso painting)
  4. The only thing that can get you more mountains of panties, is writing for cracked! (thumbs up!)

Cracked on The Guitar

Okay reading this article you're probably asking yourself, "How can I learn to play guitar earn mountains of money, and twice as many mountains of panties?" You're probably asking yourself that among other things...well you came to the right place! Through countless hours of practicing, perfecting your technique, and developing yourself as an "artist" YOU TOO can become like countless others.....NOT.

You fucking serious? Who wants to do all that bullshit? How about you just go buy a guitar (or steal it from the man playing it on the corner) follow my guide, and skip all the "important" shit like a real artist.

The guide

Okay first of all, carry that sucker around with you everywhere, even if you're not playing it or have no intention of playing it. It'll get that image into your target's heads so that when they hear you play that first note it'll "be like Iceland all up in hyah" (too soon?)

Right, so you've been carrying your piece around for a while now, and you may have noticed people staring a lot more often, and asking questions like "Doug wtf are you doing with a guitar in the bathroom" or "Put your hands behind your head, and the guitar on the floor." You're doing good, all this while you're just waiting for an opportunity, a "moment". Wait till you're at a party, or a meeting, or some kind of gathering where there were be people conversing, now get out your guitar. Sit in the corner, and PLAY YOUR GUITAR. Now that may sound scary, mostly because its in all caps, but don't fret young one. All you need is something extremely simple, two chords even! (To get maximum poonage see "Wonderwall")

People will immediately stop what they are doing to watch you humbly playing your guitar like its another day for a tortured artist. If some douchebag who is trying to thwart your plans asks something along the lines of "Why does it take you so long to switch between chords?" Say something along the lines of "You obviously don't get what i'm trying to DO here man" That'll set him right.