If Everyone Grew Up To Be Exactly What They Wanted To Be Be As A Child

Life sucks. There is no way around that statement because it is the truth, and many of you will realize that it is the truth sooner or later. Regrets towards life decisions will be had, starting over at a young age would be nice, but...

The future is in his hands

Let's begin...

The 25 year old in the room says, "Hell yeah! I would do that in a heartbeat! I'd much rather become a lawyer than a secretary!" That 25 year old is a confused soul. Let's just take a peek at the career paths a child would insist on pursuing.

Children’s Top 5 Career Choices

1. King

2. Tree Bark

3. Motorcycle

4. Lion

5. Superhero

Back to business...

That's right. Your eyes do not deceive you. Unless "lion" is slang for "lawyer" (it isn't) then that must mean that there are really kids out there that believe they can become a lion that does nothing but run and hump.

Lion King

The Lion King was wrong!

Children live in a fantasy world and what would you expect? If all you watched were 7 foot purple bears and 3 foot penguins happily running around hugging and just being plain ol' cute. The truth is that the future is depressing for 80% of the people in the real world.

Everyone believes they can grow up to be something like this:

Vinny Chase

When in reality they end up like this:



In all honesty, if you had an option to be whatever you wanted to be, why would you ever want to grow up and be some sub-par worker who works a 9 to 5 with only one source of fun that consists of a bunch of images marked "SFW" (and NSFW if you're feeling extra manly that day), when you could be a 7 foot purple bear without any responsibilities.

The World...

would be in shambles if everyone grew up to be exactly what they wanted to be as a child. There would be more firefighters and police officers than there are dicks on chatroulette; and there will be even more dicks on chatroulette if everyone grew up to be firefighters and police officers.

There will also be an increase of superheroes and super villains and transformers. Luckily there would also be an increased number of doctors to help combat the amount of suffering that will inevitably increase because of the amount of superheroes and villains. If you've ever seen any comic book, then you know what results from the equation: Superhero + Super villains + police officers + civilians. The result is…everyone dies except the superhero and villain. So it'd be smart for the child at such a young age to realize that the best career move would be becoming a superhero, so that he could at least get the girl.


Sometimes cars just aren't as effective as a man in tights

Does all of the information above look depressing? If not, it should. And if it doesn't, continue on down where we take you through a real life scenario.

The Real World

Let's say that as of tomorrow night, every kid's future comes true. You want to be a shark? Sure. You want to be Goku? Why not? Now, let's follow the life of one special individual that shall not be named, so we'll just call him Timothy (or Timmy for short).

Timmy, at the age of 5, has decided that when he grows up, he wants to be Spider-Man. Fast forward 18 years and Timmy has successfully grown up to be Spider-Man.



The college he went to contained nothing but curriculum that would help him become the best Spider-Man he could be the best Spider-man he could be. And oh yeah, that wasn't a typo…he had to go to school.


No L

So what's so bad about that you ask; well, they don't make schools for just one person, so that means there are going to be a lot of other people trying to grow up and be a Spider-Man. Hey, maybe that isn't such a bad idea, since some children are going to grow up to be super villains, the more Spider-Men, the better, right?



The more Spider-Men, means less work, which sounds even better, but that's where you are wrong again. Less work means less money. To simplify this situation, let's just say that competition for work would be like a competition amongst porn sites. We can only say that if you look at each spider-man as a porn site. Each site contains the same content; the only difference is its name. When competition gets thick, each site lowers its price to try to steal money from the other sites, this continues to happen until each site is putting up videos for free, or doing free work in Spider-Man's case.


so THAT's how you do it works.

So working for free gets you nowhere, and if you refuse to work for free, then you just tanked your career. Sucks. Kind of makes the 9 to 5 look a lot better. But there is always hope to every situation. And the hope in this situation is that at the young age of 5, you realize that growing up sucks and that unless you choose to be 5 years old forever, you're probably going to end up in some depressed drunken stupor sooner or later that will result in either your death or you banging that one 80 year old woman with the 3 holes in her neck.


now go play with your trucks!