Facebook Rape

Facebook was created with good intentions, as most good ideas are (Myspace not so much, with it's obviously selfish title). With it, you are able to basically dick around at any given time. Until someone dicks you.

Just The Facts

  1. Facebook allows you to find and catch up to highschool friends.
  2. Facebook will force you to relive highschool thanks to their status messages.
  3. Your e-mail will be spammed with worthless updates and other pointless shit.
  4. /b/ will start looking good.

Facebook Rape 101

Facebook hit the scene in February of 2004, meaning that somewhere out there, some poor sap has been the target of worthless spam for over six years. (Is it you?) But Facebook isn't all about your mom trying to appear hip and "down with your bros dawg"--there are some decent qualities to it too.

Remember when you first signed up for Facebook? No? Neither do I. But, for awhile it felt pretty good, adding a few people, feeling important, feeling awesome when people friended you back and the awesome power you were able to clutch momentarily: the ability to decline some bitch who made you cry in high school with a single mouse click.

So what if she's a teacher now?! I have more class!

...I'm only friending you because I'm nice. Really. Stupid whore.

Once you add your friends, hilarity can ensure! Facebook gives you the power to update almost anytime, as long as there's a handy internet connection ready. You can complain about your parents still giving you grief even though you've finally moved out of the basement, shout out to other people about how your own status is hardcore, and other fun things.

But, upon signing up to Facebook, you left your status-loving legs wide open for the inevitable.

Facebook Rape.

Target 1: The Profile

The best thing about Facebook Rape is that you don't even need a Facebook to do it. In fact, if you plan on Facebook raping anyone any time soon, its best that you don't have one (otherwise you'll have to be prepared to be paranoid over your own account after the initial attack). I only acquired a Facebook this year and I'm already fucking sick of this shit, so while I have luckily not been Facebook Raped, its only a matter of time until it's bound to happen. But, it's better to rape than be raped (except in court), and with these Facebook applications, you can be on your way to making an ass out of your friends.

1. Your Friend's Profile

David Charier needs to actually make status messages

Who the fuck is actually a fan of Twitter?

What better way to fuck someone up than to mess with who they are. Facebook's profile on their "ME" page allows you to summarize your buddy instantly. So start messing shit up now for instant laughter! Here are a few suggestions that can be utilized the next time you Facebook Rape someone:

- Change their Marital Status. If they're seeing someone, make them single. If they're single (and have a Facebook) and they're not totally fugly, make it so they're seeing you. I say this because there's a 99% chance you're single. The surprise and outrage that can be obtained from a single click is amazing. Who knew relationships were so important?

- Change their Profile Picture. Using their smartphone is out of the question, but, if you have access to their computer, there's a whole slew of shit they probably have in their "Pictures" folder. May I suggest clicking on folders entitled "Craigslist" and "Me n' GF"? Surely, some cock shots, shitfaced moments, and maybe even private pics of a barely clothed lady will be yours for the uploading!

-Change their interests, religion, etc. Was your friend a Christian? Not anymore. Satanist all the way! Did your friend love hardcore bondage hentai? Sorry. They like Yaoi now. Political views? Don't touch that shit. Seriously. Interests can be changed from WoW to something super gay like Japanese Visual Novels. Anything you can think of to fuck their shit up is a good starting point.

You may or may not be able to do all of these, but hey. If you can't be a good example, be a warning.

Target 2: Like, Like, Like

After your friend/enemy/significant other is interested in dildoing manholes and necrophilia, its time to move on to bigger, better things. But what could be better than changing your victim's personality in a few scrolls and clicks?

Why, having that altered personality harass their friends, of course.

2. Liking fucking everything.

Liking is the bomb diggity.

What is she liking? The fact that this poor tool is going to clean up, or feels disgusting?

Facebook's "Like" system is incredible. Its a great way to show your opinion on people's updates, especially if you're too lazy to actually comment and just want to drive-by through your F-List. Never have I been able to comment on how much I love someone arguing with their incredibly hot girlfriend who I plan to scoop up for myself as soon as I Facebook Rape them into "Single" mode. CHA-CHING!. Or, the fact that Toy Story 3 is coming out! Brilliant! But, they say there is "too much of a good thing", and that verbage right there is your ticket to Facebook Rapedom.

- Like Everything. Just do it. Scroll down their friend's page and "LIKE, LIKE, LIKE". That Like Thumbs Up Hand is going to be as tired as your hand was when you were fisting your girlfriend last summer. Like everything, and make sure to especially take care not to miss high-volume comment updates. They'll be spammed with Facebook email from people they don't even fucking know. And everyone loves to give a little spam!

- Comment where hilarity is plausable. Which is everywhere if you're as funny as I am. Pay special attention to posts where their friends are venting or just generaly having themselves an emo time. Liking and then following up with a comment about someone getting fired from work is sure to brighten your day (but not their's, of course).

- Like things your friend never would. While I waste valuble time I could be writing more Cracked articles Liking things such as After Monday and Tuesday even the Calender says WTF and other pointless shit, you can do the same and mess with your friend at the same time! There are some good ones out there, and while I haven't found Loving Animals More Than I Should to add to my best friend's Facebook, it's bound to be out there.... somewhere.

Mission Accomplished: The Aftermath

Before your friend comes back from the bathroom, shower, or sexcapade, make sure to erase all traces of your presence. Wipe your fingerprints off the Smartphone screen. Move your IBC Cream Soda and Cheetoes out of the vicinity of the laptop. You must be like the night. You were never there.

Niiiinnnnjaaa of the niiiiiiiiiiiiiiight~

Like this, only with "Likes" and comments instead of all this bamboo shit.

Your friend may never find out. Or, your friend just might, if they're a Facebook junkie and automatically get on to alert the world they just took the best shit they've ever taken. So how do you protect yourself in case of Facebook backlash?

- Out of Sight, Out of Mind. If you have the ability, make a quick escape and get the fuck out of there. Especially if your friend has access to a 9mm or an assload of katanas. Don't make it too obvious! Excuse yourself with a good line like, "I need to go run by the store for a wire hanger and a pregnancy test, STAT", or, "My prostate exam is in thirty minutes". It leaves your friend with either a stunned expression or the inability to agrue. Either way, your ass is home free.

- Protect Your Facebook. Hide your Smartphone if you have an easily accessable app. Log off Facebook from your computer. In fact, block it momentarily if you have to. The Internet hath no fury like a Facebooker scorned, and you don't want them to suddenly "Like" the idea of making your marital status in sync with your mom.

- Protect Yourself. If all else fails, bust out the ninja gear and prepare to do battle. Game well played, sir. Shit, I just lost it!