Gamer Tags

Your gamertag is your online identity, which of course is more important than your actual identity since you probably meet way more people online than you do on your rare visits outside.

Just The Facts

  1. Calling yourself something original is almost impossible and will probably end in disaster.
  2. Remember putting a lot of 1337 speak in your name means you are totally awesome.
  3. The same is true for over use of you CapS KEy.
  4. All three facts are total bullshit.

The Most Important Decision You Will Ever Make

This is no over statement; despite being the pinnacle of the human race's advancement the internet is a backwards place. On the internet, the international human rights movement never happened, people are immediately judged and abused for arbitrary reasons, and all the women are too busy travelling between the bedroom and the kitchen to play games. That being said, the people at the lowest rungs of the real-world social ladder are at the top when it comes to the world of online gaming. So, you would do well to masquerade as one of them.

Here is an example using the authors own name:

Karl Smallwood

This would make a terrible gamertag. Hell, it's even a terrible name (no teenager can resist making the link between smallwood and small penis). So let's add a terrible pun in there and see how it looks:

Karl BigWood

That's looking a little better, although that's like saying being mugged is better than being stabbed. Lets get rid of that first name since you would have to be an idiot to let people on the internet know your real name:

Bigwood

Now we're getting somewhere, although it's nowhere near blunt enough. What the hell does Bigwood mean? Are you selling some sort of new car? People on the internet need to explicitly know you are talking about your penis. This is not a time for subtlety:

Ihaveabigwood

Now you're getting it! You have a gamer tag that is completely removed from the original name, even though that makes the whole above process almost pointless. Although you'll always know you made a very clever play on words from your own name, kudos to you. With just a few final touches you'll have an original gamertag that will set you apart from the riff raff:

XxIhAveABIgwOodxX

Holy fuck, that's amazing! Stephen King has nothing on this shit, you should be writing erotic fiction about robots or something, your talents clearly lie in the written word.

Still not as bad as a real name, though.

What to Avoid

Well there are several things you should avoid, the most important being grammar and spelling.

Who do these dicks think they are?

The second thing you should avoid is any mention of your gender if you happen to be a member of the fairer sex (for reference, see the biggest mistakes women make on the Internet). That is, unless you enjoy playing videogames while being constantly harassed for a phone number or pictures of your breasts covered in bacon fat. However most gamers who indulge in this sort of behavior are dicks, if you beat them be sure to let them know of the lack of testicles between your legs as you slam your metal crotch plate into their virtual face.

Girl gamers who kick ass, it's the virtual equivalent of paying a hooker to step on your junk.

What Makes a Good Gamertag?

There are currently millions of gamertags active on Xbox Live and there are three schools of thought on what makes a good one. The first is that a good gamertag should be something witty and original that tickles the game lobby's giggle sticks with soft gentle humor, examples include.

Cod of War

YouHadMeAtHalo

Bilbo Teabaggins

Adorable!


The second category is names that are designed to be embarrassing when you are killed or beaten by that person. For this reason read each of the following out loud but precede it with the words "you were killed by:"

Cancer

A Tin of beans

Your mum

Of course by now almost all of the half decent and humorous names are taken, it's therefore absolutely certain you will see hundreds of variations on these names with lashings of leet speak and the overarching hint of inadequacy, that only the Internet can truly do justice.


Third, we have names that keep with the dick hole mantra of the internet, which basically involve making your name as offensive to as many people as possible often while acting like a total douche. You only need to consider the case of jesusdiedlol or the aptly named FileUrComplaint.

Ironically, since these names make up a huge portion of both gaming IDs and internet forum usernames, they no longer even serve the purpose of being offensive, unless you are offended when people try to bore you.