Injuries. They hurt. But next time you stub your toe, just think that it could have been one of THESE; then stop whimpering and man up.
The Card family are some of the best Marlin-fisherman in the world. The Dad half of this father-son angling super-duo has caught six of the ten largest Marlin on record, and they were the first to hook a Marlin that weighed over 10000lbs.
In early August 2006their boat was in calm waters about 15 miles south of Bermuda, where they were taking part in an angling competition.
Leslie Spanswick hooked the 800lb fish at around 11am in the morning, whilst strapped into a fishing chair at the stern. For those of you who don't know what a fishing chair is, it's one of those chairs with a harness and rod-holder that's attached to the deck.
Not a fishing chair, but still awesome.
The blue marlin usually takes about 2 hours to fight and to reel in, due to it's immense power and general awesomeness, but the one that was on the end of Leslie's line had other idea. After just 10 minutes, it leaped out of the water, soaring 8 feet over the boat and skewering Ian Card with it's bill. As if that wasn't bad enough, it then carried him a further 15 feet away before landing in the ocean. So, lets recap. Ian was just stood watching his friend Leslie fish, next thing he knows he's on the razor sharp, 3 foot long business end of a 800lb, throughly pissed off marlin, which is diving to the depths with him. Presumably to feast upon later. In the same way bearded folk save bits of meals for later in it.
Heroically, he managed to have the composure to force himself off the bill and swim to the surface, despite the fact he had a fist-sized, blood gushing hole in his chest. Take your fist, put it on your chest. Now imagine a razor-sharp, 3 foot bill punching through it.
We'll give you a moment to sit down.
He survived, amazingly enough. The doctors at King Edward VII Memorial Hospital in Bermuda, said that if the bill has punctured a centimeter either side, then he would have been chowder. Obviously he was more sensitive than that about it.
He also said that he was "impressed by the dangerousness of such a fish"
As for the Marlin, after Ian slid himself off of it's spear, the line was cut and it was free to skewer another day. Fish 1 Man 0
As if cockroaches aren't bad enough, what with being virtually indestructable and all. But this is the story of Tracey Newton, of that wonderful country Australia. Where even the plants want to taste your blood on their leaves. Her home was "so badly infested with cockroaches that the wall moved", despite having had her home fumigated 18 times in 6 years.
Harder than you
However, she maintained living there even though it made her feel dirty and ruined her life. Why i hear you ask? Who knows, but she was about to get a very rude awakening...
Tracey woke up one morning with what she thought was a blocked ear, like when your ears pop if you hit high altitude. But no, this was a fucking cockroach nestling in nice and comfy in her lughole. We can only speculate that the offending roach was bored of nibbling on earlobes and fingertips; so went for the much tastier and probably more nutritious organ of the brain. With a nice starter of an ear drum/canal combo, deep fried in earwax and served on a platter of solid cartiledge.
And, being a cockroach in a tight spot, it's difficult to wiggle out. So what would you do if you were stuck and couldn't go backwards? That's right. Go forwards. Hard.
Mmm, Brain Pasty
Being nocturnal creatures, it's quite common for cockroaches to have a cheeky little nibble on us walking buffet cars of human beings while we're sleeping and stationary. Because they wouldn't dare attack us during the day, so they slowly try and erode us away by night. Remember that next time you hear a little rustling sound in bed.
Luckily for Tracey, she had the composure to grab some tweezers and pull it out instead of running screaming around the room gesturing to your ear like an Italian using sign language.
Fellas, we all know how delicate and important those things are. Ladies, you also know how delicate those things are, unfortunately some of the more twisted members of your gender use this as a weapon.
Mother Nature can and WILL claim your nuts as her own
Take the case of our singular friend Geoff here. He was at a house party when his ex girlfriend Amanda, whom he'd stayed good friends with, picked him up and they both went back to his for drinks with a friend. And blokes out there; after what you're about to find out i wouldn't be surprised if you use it as an excuse to NEVER stay friends with an ex. Seriously. By the way, if you're not already, make sure you're sat down.
Amanda the nut-picker made an advance towards our Geoff who, foolishly, refused. So Amanda spiralled into a sexually frustrated rage seen only once before in the history of humanity.
And ripped his left testicle off. No instruments, no sharp objects, she just use pure pulling power and rips it off. And she took his underwear with her. Amanda's arm was so strong she ripped through his underwear and his scrotum.
As if this isn't bad enough, she then tried to eat the nut, choked and spat it back out. The third party, who i assume just stood by and watched all this unfold, picked it up and handed it back to Geoff, saying "this is yours". Not really the right time for humour.
Saturday April 8th 1996. An unparticularly eventful day and the day of what would be a distinctly non-descript football (soccer) match between Manchester United and Coventry City. Except for central defender David Busst.
The games kicks off, 80 seconds in Coventry force a corner kick. Which would normally be an event itself and probably the closest Coventry would come to the Manchester goal. Busst trots up to take his position at the back post while the ball is whipped in. He went in to challenge for the ball along with Manchester UNited defenders Denis Irwin and Brian McLair, and as he described it: "I got my toe to the ball first, then the screaming started."
There is no way i can lexically describe the visual horror this instilled into everyone who saw it, but this is the most common still from the broadcast
If you look closely, you can see a little blood splatter. COD style.
I'll let that sink in.
Busst broke his tibia and fibula in two. Well, four. Peter Schmeichel, who was the first to witness the horror, had to undergo counselling to help him get over the sickening sight. He was even seen vomiting and crying. Vomiting. and Crying. This is a man who was a giant in goal for Manchester United and being German, he was rather stoic. Like a barbarian whose sole duty was to protect the goal from being touched by a ball. The referee even had to stop play for 15 minutes while the blood was cleared off the pitch.
Busst had to have 22 operations, 15 of which were in the weeks immediately following the incident. Although the surgeons managed to save his leg; his footballing career was over. Which is pretty lucky, considering that just 30 years ago he would probably have had to have his leg amputated. Probably with a rusty hacksaw. By this guy.
Don't mistake the anguished look for madness, he's a genius.
It's not all doom and gloom though, as now Busst is Director of Coventry's football in the community scheme, and is manager of Evesham United.