Band Shirts

Maybe you shouldn't wear that Terry Schiavo Bukkake Decapitation shirt any more. Restraining orders happen for a reason.

Just The Facts

  1. The staple of any hormonal teenager's wardrobe is the band shirt.
  2. Any shirt that says "World Tour" on it was not actually purchased at a concert.
  3. Half of all Led Zeppelin shirt-wearers couldn't tell you who Jimmy Page is.

The Metal Shirt

Worn By: Metalheads, guys who lost bets, etc.

Best Characterizes: Lack of dignity (and friends).

If you're going to wear a shirt, at least make it legible. The metal shirt is always black and usually has an oversized picture of something that came from the morgue. As much as we love the sight of decomposing babies, some people just don't care for bands named Brutal Anal Death. In conclusion, if you want people to avoid you like the plague, wear a metal shirt.

The Hipster Shirt

Worn By: Indie kids.

Best Characterizes: "NOTICE ME"

If you're wearing an indie, you're the equivalent of a landing strip for aircraft. These obnoxiously colorful shirts even have some Salvador Dali art plastered on them, so people can stare at your tits every time you move. Really, the only reason you should be wearing this is if you just survived a plane crash in the woods.

The Stoner Shirt

Worn By: Kids that don't smoke.

Best Characterizes: "My Mom bought this for me at Target."

We, having had our share of experience (ahem) with smokers, have come to recognize that no legitimate pothead would advertise his habit, for fear of the Babylon. A crack addict doesn't walk down the street wearing hats that say "I SMOKE CRACK ROCKS". A Bob / Ziggy shirt is like a test; if you're wearing it, you fail the test.