Kwame Kilpatrick

The former mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick is currently serving time for failing to pay restitution to the city of Detroit. He is the real life Nino Brown and Detroit became The Carter.&&(navigator.

*Spelling is correct in ALL texts

Just The Facts

  1. Was elected mayor of Detroit in 2001.
  2. Despite reported abuses of city funds, managed to be re-elected in 2005.
  3. Despite leaked text messages disclosing an affair and abuses of power, didn't step down as mayor until September 2008.
  4. Despite promising that he'd buy beer for everyone, was booed seconds into his speech congratulating the Detroit Red Wings for winning the Stanley Cup in 2008
  5. Despite living it up in Texas as if he was Jay-Z, claimed he only pay $6/month to Detroit toward his $1 million restitution.

Kilpatrick's Detroit (aka New Jack City)


This may look like a scene from New Jack City, but it is pretty much every Detroit City Council meeting, 2001-2008

A classically trained megalomaniac (aka "lawyer") when he resigned as mayor, Kilpatrick said "Under this administration, Detroit has become an example of progress and resilience."

"Progress and resilience" here must mean:

- In his first term, Kilpatrick charged $210,000 to city credit cards on totally necessary things for the city like bottles of Moet and a $283 bill at Danny's Grand Sea Palace in New York.

- Kilpatrick hired at least 29 friends and family members to the city's staff.

- Kilpatrick assaulted a police officer while being served a subpoena.

- Honestly, we at Cracked can't keep track of this shit anymore. Let's just get to the good stuff.

PAR-TAY AT MANOOGIAN MANSION! (or not) (it probably happened)


...well...yeah...

What set the real Dr. Feelgood story into motion was an alleged party at the Manoogian Mansion, the city-owned mayoral residence.

Apparently (probably) in Fall 2002, there was a party at the mansion with dignitaries of the Deja Vu variety. The party was apparently busted when Carlita Kilpatrick (the one actually married to Kwame) fought her way into the mansion and allegedly/probably saw Nino Brown her husband getting a lapdance from "Strawberry," a stripper (real name Tamara Greene). Carlita alleged attacked Greene and the fun was over.

Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox investigated the party but said that there was no evidence of such a party. Of course, it may be in Cox's best interest to say it didn't happen because he might have been there.

Cut to April 30, 2003 and Tamara Greene (aka "Strawberry") is is killed in a drive-by shooting. What is interesting is that the bullets that killed Greene came from a .40 calibre weapon, the very same that are used by Detroit Police officers.

Officer Gary Brown looks into matter and on May 9, 2003 is removed from his position. Brown believes that this happened because he was investigating, among other things, the party at the mansion, which Kilpatrick denied.

In 2007, Kilpatrick and Chief of Staff Christine Beatty were on trial for the firing of Gary Brown, among other charges. Denying that they fired Brown and that they were not having an affair, they lost the trial and were ordered to pay nearly $9 million to the plaintiffs.

That should be the end, right?

*Those* Text Messages

In 2008, The Detroit Free Press reported they had acquired some 14,000 text messages between Kilpatrick and then-Chief of Staff Christine Beatty. The messages dated between 2003-05, wherein he denied an extramarital affair with Chief of Staff Christine Beatty and firing police officer Gary Brown.

The text messages between Kilpatrck and Beatty were, to be modest, fucking hot and fucking incriminating. Barry White died within the span of these messages and they only continued, as if to smother the King of the Bedroom as he left this mortal coil.

But what about Gary Brown? He wasn't fired over looking into the party, right?

From The Detroit Free Press:

Beatty: "I'm sorry that we are going through this mess because of a decision that we made to fire Gary Brown. I will make sure that the next decision is much more thought out. Not regretting what was done at all, but thinking about how we can do things smarter."

Kilpatrick: True! It had to happen though. I'm all the way with that!


What I meant by "firing" was...man...Detroit's never had it this good!

Stepping Down

Despite numerous calls to step down, Kilpatrick said he wouldn't because HE WAS CHOSEN BY GOD TO RUN DETROIT!


DON'T DRAG ME INTO THIS

He finally stepped down on September 18, 2008. And there was much rejoicing. And so was the end of that chapt...

JAIL

Kilpatrick was sentenced 120 days in jail in October 2008 for the scandal. After getting out, part of his parole was to pay the city of Detroit $1 million in restitution in monthly installments. Kilpatrick and his family moved to Southlake, Texas for his new job with a Compuware subsidiary. But despite the image of high living, he could only pay $6 per month despite making $10,000 per month (aka what most Cracked readers dream they could make in a year)!

At that rate, the full restitution would be paid in about 166,666 months, or 456.6 years. Since readers of Cracked have used this very same excuse to get out of similar payments, the courts would hear nothing of it.

On May 25, 2010, Kilpatrick was sentenced to no less than 18 months and up to 5 years in jail for not paying on his restitution. And there was really, really a lot of rejoicing!

And if you didn't think Kilpatrick spent enough of Detroit's money, you can actually go to friendsofkwame.com and send him EVEN MORE of your money!


Pretty much the dream web page for anyone in Michigan other than "Kid Rock Kills Self"