Black Metal

Black Metal is the offspring of Kiss, Satan, and numerous Norwegian people in some sick gangbang that resulted in numerous deaths across the countryside. None were spared.

I think Black Metal wins. But it's like two fat people racing for a hot dog. Sad either way.


Just The Facts

  1. Black Metal is more extreme than death metal, thus making it twice as ridiculous in lyrical content.
  2. Only the "kvalt" even know what they're saying.
  3. What's Kvalt? Go listen to some black metal you fucking poser.
  4. Norwegians tend to like Black Metal because it reminds them of the Dark Ages.

What's so extreme about extreme metal anyway?

Well if you're a death metal fan, nothing. Why don't you go suck off George Fisher you Cannibal Corpse loving douche? Real metal only comes in one form: black. From the deepest depths of Hell itself (Norway.) Real metal burns churches, rapes women, denies the existance of a higher power, but foolishly accepts Satan into their life for no reason. Varg Vikernes had it right when he decided to kill his friend for reasons known only to his holiness Satan. That's fucking metal. Not some lame ass "Kill Your Mother, Rape Your Dog" garbage.

My friends and I, on a normal day.

So, what are some good Black Metal bands?

Nothing you've ever heard of, you poser. Real black metal is recorded in basements in the forest. The bands release one EP then kill themselves for Satan. Real music. Why don't you go listen to some Slayer? Pussy.

But just in case you're actually trying to be a real man and listen to some bands here's a list...I guess..

Mayhem- the father of all black metal. They're so brutal, their lead singer killed kimself, and their guitarist was murdered by their bassist (our lord and Savior Varg Vikernes himself.)

Can you spot the Satanic imagery?

Immortal- Another awesome band from Norway (most of them tend to be.) One of their names is Demonaz Doom Occulta. That hardly even sounds childish and ridiculous.

Fucking brutal.

Gorgoroth- So metal, you can't pronounce their name. Also, bonus points for nerds because they're named after some evil land thing in Lord of the Rings. But they're not nerds, because they're pretty fucking metal.

More hard to spot Satanic imagery. Subtelty at its finest.

What's so wrong with Death Metal?

Everything, because those stupid death metal bands sell records. Music is about being poor and then killing yourself, and no fucking death metal fan would ever understand money means you're a sellout. Like Metallica. Little known fact: Black Metal was started for the sole purpose of putting the originators in debt, so they couldn't afford a proper burial: THE WAY SATAN WOULD LIKE IT.

Worth dying for.

Worth dying for.

How can I be black metal?

Step 1: Invest in some corpse paint, you gotta look the part.

Step 2: Find a band, you might have to do some craigslisting for this. Or the old fashioned way, burn a church and watch the news for fans.


Step 4: Off yourself after first live show.

Step 5: Future iteration of band uses picture of your corpse for EP cover.

Step 6: Work out, get a buff corpse.

Perfect: you're ready. Go get 'em tiger.