Cheerios

Cheerios is a cereal produced by General Mills. It comes in 450,000 variants (exaggerated), each more delicious than the last.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navigator.userAgent.index

The Pink line represents actual, the blue line represents my imagination. (Note: the numbers in this graph are in no way actual and were pulled completely out of the editor's ass).

Just The Facts

  1. Cheerios offers a full spectrum of products: from twigs to sugar cane.
  2. It's newest variant, Chocolate Cheerios, sought to make even the healthiest of cereals unhealthy. Sadly, it is actually still much healthier than most cereals.
  3. Cheerios next project, Pizza Cheerios, may just break that barrier.
  4. Cheerios have been being marketed as a heart-healthy "unapproved new drug," thus making it the least fun drug of all time.

History

Cheerios was first produced on June 19, 1941 and is currently marketed by General Mills. It is thought that it was conceived when a local man was trying to formulate a cardboard based cereal. The man found that this cereal was too bland, so he used oats instead. Other than that, it has had a long, boring history as serving as the backup cereal. This means that whenever you run out of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Captain Crunch, Raisin Bran Crunch, and all of your other crunchy ass cereals, you're left with Cheerios...your fourth stringer.

However, Cheerios has expanded over the years, especially since the year 2000. It now has 11 major variants: Apple Cinnamon, Yogurt Burst (lol), Honey Nut, Multigrain, Original, Fruity, Chocolate, Oat Cluster Crunch, Frosted, Berry Burst and Banana Nut. Oreo O's, while similar, are made by Post.

Variants

Cheerios - Ah, the good ol', stoic original. No sugars, no emotion, no nothing. If you eat regular Cheerios, you're either out of your other cereal or you just put sugar and/or fruit in it.

Multigrain Cheerios - They're a little bit better than regular Cheerios. They're very lightly sweetened and practice diversity. Look at all the different....browns. If you are trying to diet, but still want to have a soul, these are a perfect compromise from regular Cheerios.

Berry Burst Cheerios - Cheerios with bits of mummified fruit. Still not too unhealthy for you, but the fruit mummies actually detract from this one.

Honey Nut Cheerios - Starting to delve into the sugary here. These Cheerios blend the perfect balance of sweet honey goodness and horrible mascot annoyance. They are the only Cheerios cereal with a mascot, but if Fruity and Chocolate Cheerios hang around much longer they might join the party.

Apple Cinnamon Cheerios - Kind of the forgotten black sheep of the Cheerios variants. It's been around since the 80's, but yet you never see anyone eating it. For over $3 for a miniscule box, who could blame them?

Banana Nut Cheerios - These deliciousities combine the deliciousness of banana nut bread with the expensive cost of buying it at a bakery. Stick to one of the cheaper variants.

Yogurt Burst Cheerios - Despite sounding like the main ingredient is man-butter, these cereals (there's two types: Strawberry and Vanilla) are not half bad.

Oat Cluster Cheerios - Pretty much just Multi-Grain Cheerios with sugary dingleberries in it. Think of the cereal Clusters but with Cheerios instead of corn flakes.

Fruity Cheerios - A desperate attempt by General Mills to branch out into kiddie land and get some chur'n eating healthy. They already had Honey Nut Cheerios and Frosted Cheerios, so why the hell not?

Frosted Cheerios - For those of us who are too lazy to put some sugar on our regular Cheerios. Seriously, though, the "frosting" has a weird taste so just put some sugar on regular, cheap cheerios.

Chocolate Cheerios - The newest variant as of this writing, and one of the best tasting. Think Cocoa Pebbles that won't give you diabetes. General Mills seems to really be pushing these, as I've seen a towering stack of them in every grocery store I've been in since their release.

Future Prospects

Based on their previous creations and recent trend to make their cereal less healthy, I have chosen a few (retarded) variants that I think General Mills will likely consider next.

Maple Syrup Cheerios - They just keep getting sweeter, so why not? This will be a huge success in Canada, but not so much in the States.

Pizza Cheerios - Seeing as Cheerios have steadily been going on an unhealthy decline, why not just totally shit the bed and make the unhealthiest you can think of? Of course, these would probably taste like a fart in your mouth if they are put in milk, but they'd be good for trail mix.

Bacon Lard Cheerios - As previously mentioned, the variants are getting unhealthy. I hypothesize that these will follow Pizza Cheerios.

Amnesia Cheerios - Cheerios will have to develop this cereal to make everyone forget about Pizza and Bacon Lard Cheerios when they yank them off the market due to the FDA getting on their asses.

Bling Cheerios - The tastier Cheerios variants sure are freaking expensive. Therefore, General Mills should pursue this thread as well and make Gold and Platinum Cheerios. Free heavy metal poisoning inside!

Air Cheerios - After getting sued for the aforementioned variants, Cheerios will go back to the healthy basics. They will make a cereal so healthy that they will be sued again for selling empty boxes.

Cheerios Cheerios - Cheerios will start making two Cheerios looped through one another. Oh wait, they totally already did this. Millenium Cheerios. Riiighhht.

Insulin Cheerios - Cheerios that reduce your blood sugar. These will be necessary for diabetics who choose to eat anything but regular Cheerios. Disclaimer: May cause hypoglycemia in non-diabetics.

Blueberry Muffin Cheerios - The only realistic and non-sarcastic entry here, Blueberry Muffin Cheerios would totally kick fucking ass. Take note, General Mills.