5 Things Fat People Shouldn't Wear. Ever.

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Just The Facts

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5. Ironic T-shirts.

Quick, how many pairs of breasts can you count?

Quick, how many pairs of breasts can you count?

Why? It's not funny. Yes, we realize you have no real friends, and people only hang out with you to open beer bottles in your back flab and to see if this time, you will finally fall down the stairs, bouncing all the way down with a comical tuba playing in the background. But you seemingly embracing your size and poking fun at yourself isn't funny, it's just sad. By wearing these hilarious T-shirts, you are just making your fatness your defining characteristic, and people will never be able to see past that (literally).

Not an exception

Not an exception.

4. Mumus (or Muumuus)

Honestly, there might be nothing I love more than seeing an obese person in a mumu. Unfortunately, for the good of the fat person themselves, they should stay away. The fabled mumu acts as a giant neon sign for fatnessity. The mumu-wearer opens himself or herself (or itself, as sometimes you can't tell) to every fat stereotype out there (HOW long has it been since you washed back there??). Not to mention, the mumu releases a strong fat-pheromone attracting all other mumu-wearers withing a ten-block radius. Naturally, all skinny people unfortunate enough to witness this mumu-mass spontaneously combust from too much hilarity.

Image not shown - danger of death from hilarity.

Image not displayed: danger of combustion from hilarity.

3. Tight Clothes

Finally, the effects of childhood obesity on the general public's retinae is seen. With the emergence of the tween-slut (AKA the pre-whore, or prosti-tot), obese children have joined the movement in an effort to fit in. Due to familywatchdog.com, I will not be posting any photos of this young fat demographic.

Just like ignorance and alcoholism, this epidemic is not limited to children, but affects obese adults as well.

Lured into Spidey's trap with Krispy Kreme.

Lured into Spidey's trap with Krispy Kreme

I really don't think I need to explain what is wrong with fat people wearing tight clothes. They're just kidding themselves about their appearance, while simultaneously disgusting people with it.

She would be proud.

She would be proud.

2. Bathing suits

Four words: wet T-shirts.
Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On

Clearly, they work.

Yet fat people refuse to wear them! The large ladies go out and buy the largest designer bikini they can find, then use a half-gallon of Chunky Monkey to delude themselves into thinking they look exactly like the women from the Sears catalog.

Maybe all of them combined in one body.

Maybe all of them combined in one body.

1. Nothing

Q: How many times have you seen an artist sketching a nude model that was +300 lbs?

A: That's what I thought.

I take it back.

This is in good taste.

A fat, naked person is even worse than one wearing a bikini. They are literally leaving nothing to the imagination. Society has dictated what the standards for beauty are, and they should be followed. That means unless you look like Tyra before she went crazy, you should keep your clothes on (including you, Cheeto-encrusted Cracked editor). The untold horrors of naked fat people wandering the streets could be made into the next B-movie.

The first victim.

The first victim.