Red Dead Redemption

Essentially GTA but in the wild west, which automatically gives it Six Testicles on the Manliness Scale. Also there's bears. FUCKING BEARS.

Red Dead Redemption Multiplayer: Never Ride Alone

Just The Facts

  1. You roam the untamed west shooting and skinning anything that moves
  2. Hogtied Nuns + Railroad Tracks = Least Gay Microsoft Achievement Ever
  3. Morality scale lets you choose between being a relentless asshole or an honorable dick

Red Dead Retarded

Inspired by Sergio Leone's films, but probably mostly inspired by playing cowboys and Indians when they were children, scalp collecting and all, Rockstar Games has brought the wild west to vibrant life. You can play poker, blackjack, AND liar's dice (which was inspired by Sergio Leone's The Man With No Dice Quadrilogy), all in the comfort of your own home, or your favorite Turkish bath house.

Galloping across barren deserts and barren plains, which are home to any number of ferocious man eating beasts and confused asian men (thus making them un-barren), you shoot your way to the truth about who killed your robot partner during a daring sushi heist in Ol' New Yawk. Or that's at least what I think the story is about, I haven't actually gotten to the part where John Marsten finally stops being vague about his past, I've been too busy tying nuns to train tracks and skinning helpless dogs.

Did You Know?

Dog pelt smells like blood and wet dog fur!

Red Dead Redundant

All of the GTA elements are in place here in the rumblin', tumblin' wild west, minus all of the buildings, people, and stereotypical Italian mobsters. Instead, you ride for hours on a trusty steed, (I named mine Atreyu after the non-horse character from The Neverending Story). When you finally reach your destination, after three Mountain Dews and six pee breaks, someone will talk to you about something, your character says something clever and mean, then you ride around some more until you find a couple of bad guys to shoot. And...it's...AWESOME! OhMyGod! There was this one time, I totally shot this guy in the foot, and the game glitched and instead he reacted to getting shot in the throat. Fucking YES! And did I mention bears?! Because there are bears! Like, a metric fuck ton of them, and you can FIGHT THEM! Like Sonny Fucking Chiba, except with a gun and a knife!

And with the added advantage of the Dead Eye technique (it's a technique, right?), you basically turn into an unstoppable, rootin' tootin' Cow-RamboDeathKillJohnWoo-Boy (I'd like to see Hasbro turn down that action figure idea!). And again, you can do all of this without ever moving your fat lazy ass off the couch. Well, except to go buy the game...and pick up the controller...and all those completely necessary pee breaks I mentioned earlier.