Alien Planet

Alien Planet is a 94 minute long fake documentary that first premiered on the Discovery Channel May 14th, 2005. It is about the lifeforms on a planet called Darwin IV.

Alien Planet in one graph.

Just The Facts

  1. Alien Planet is based on the book Expedition: Voyage to Darwin IV by Wayne Barlowe.
  2. Wayne Barlowe is an artist who's specialty is fucked up shit.
  3. Seriously, Google him. His work is fucked up.
  4. Despite the above, he is still a great artist.

The Aliens

The wildlife of Darwin IV is all fucked up. There is no way of getting around it. None of them have eyes. They all see with sonar. No mouths, either. They stick long tounge things into their preys bodys and inject juices that rot the flesh, then they drink it up. Some of the Aliens are detailed here.

Arrowtounge: The first alien encountered. It's the size of a motherfucking t-rex.

Gyrosprinter: The cheetah of Darwin IV. It's four legs have fused together to allow it to run faster and turn better.

Daggerwrist: It lives in the plaque bark forests. Its front legs are spikes like a praying mantis's. It has what looks like a mouth at first sight, but is actually attached to a powerful cord in it's chest. It can completely detach this from the top half of it's head and move it independently.

Emperor Sea Strider: Basically a giant walking mollusk. It walks across the amoebic sea. It has mouths on it's feet, and bites the sea as it walks on it. When it is born, it can fly. It's also the biggest creature, anywhere, at any time. Just like my dick.

Amoebic Sea: The last remaining large body of water on Darwin IV. It is water, encased in single celled organisms. For whatever reason, it's purple. It also routinely pulls defenseless baby Sea Striders out of the air, like the douchebag it is.

Eosapien: The name means "Dawn Thinker" and it is Darwin IV's answer to humans on earth. It floats with the aid of four large large methane bags on it's "head" and butt. They have no identifiable mouth parts. They have large arms, and can use advanced technology like spears. The Eosapien is equipped with two large tentacles on both hands, which it uses to rape Japanese school girls.

It is way to easy to make sex jokes about Darwin IV.

Sea Strider

Differences between the Book and the TV Special

Because the Discovery Channel loves to ruin all good things, they made several changes to Barlowe's original book. These include: (If you don't want to loose all the good parts of the book, don't read ahead.)

1) The Back Story

In the book, the author lives on an earth that is super-polluted. Mankind's reckless use of the environment has caused the earth to degenerate to the point where only a few large herbivores, such as cows, can continue to survive. Even though they are still cows, they have "evolved" or mutated into an almost unrecognizable form as a result of exposure to the pollution. Naturally, the discovery of the pristine world of Darwin IV comes as a major shock to man. The book has a very green central message.

In the TV special, the story about mankind ruining earth is forgotten. In fact, there is NO background information.

2)The Exploration

The book's method of exploration is quite well thought out. A space-faring species called the Yma (Don't ask me to pronounce that.) provides the technology. The author, with a few other individuals, travels to Darwin IV. He explores the surface in a comfortable floating vehicle called a Hovercone.

By comparison, the TV special's method of exploration is quite dumbed down. Probes. An interstellar vehicle called the Von Braun is launched, travelling to the planet at 20% the speed of light. Once there, the Von Braun launches a climate orbiter, and three lighter than air probes. The probes are Balboa, Da Vinci, and Newton. Of the three, only the Da Vinci and Newton actually land. No mention of the Hovercones or the Yma is ever made.

3) The Aliens

The book includes a vast majority of disturbing malformations. Clocking in at a grand total of 66 crimes against nature, and god knows how many more that were never identified and only appear in random sketches. These include Flipstick, Unth, Emperor Sea Strider, Beach Loper, Arctic Sledge Slider, and the Amoebic Sea.

Of the vast majority of aliens in the book, only 16 are present. Fan favorites such as the Sea Striders, the Amoebic sea, Grovebacks and Eosapiens make it in.