The Empire Strikes Back

The Empire Strikes back was definitely one of the greatest films in history, destroying every other movie in it`s wake and paving the way for George Lucas to do whatever he wanted.

In hindsight, probably not the best decision...

Just The Facts

  1. In The Empire Strikes Back, the...wait for it...Empire strikes back.
  2. This movie introduced us to Lando Calrissian, the only black guy in the entire galaxy, and Boba Fett, God`s gift to fanboys.
  3. This movie gave everyone a chance to root for the bad guys, despite their accuracy problems and lack of coordination.

The Battle On Hoth: My Childhood

While the Rebels were chilling out on Hoth (it`s a pun, because Hoth is cold) the Empire was busy trying to find out where the fuck they`d gone. To do so, they sent out probes into the galaxy. A probe finds the Rebels, and the Empire...here it comes again...strikes back. They drop in the ominous and impractical Snow Walkers. Seeing these death machines slowly plodding their way, and deciding not to just move away at a walking pace, the Rebels bail out, using their highly valued soldiers to hold out as long as they can. These soldiers, of course, are armed with nothing more than blaster rifles against massive death machines.

Well, we`re fucked...

Luckily for the helpless meat sacks on the ground, the Rebels send out some of their much needed pilots in snow speeders whose heavier fire-power...does absolutely nothing.

Artist`s rendition of all the snow speeders from the battle.

Luckily for the guys in the air, Luke figures out that they can trip the Snow Walkers with the harpoon cables, raising two very valid questions. Why do the snow speeders have harpoon cables? They would be pretty useless unless you were tripping giant plodding death machines. Also, why do the Snow Walkers even need legs? Giving them tank treads, or, you know, wheels, would have made them resilient to the onle thing that the Rebels were able to kill them with, barring of course Luke's use of lightsaber and thermal detonators.

Even with two walkers down, the Storm Troopers breach the underground base and, luckily for them, meet no resistance; the defence had worked, costing no more than several hundred Rebel soldiers and pilots.

Training on Dagobah: Everybody Needs a Montage

The training scenes in The Empire Strikes Back show that to become a Jedi one must master the art of jumping around with a little green guy on your back. Although it some of the training does seem rigorous, and no doubt there was some meditation involved, the entire process seems to take about a day or two to complete. While we are also told that Luke isn't fully trained, Yoda acts as if he only needs to stay for two more day to complete his training.

This part of the movie gave me far too many hopes as a kid. For hours I would try to lift things with my mind, or cause concussions trying to do flips. Hell, even now I like to think that the automatic doors only open because I will them to.

Pictured here: Not the doors I'm looking for.

The Final Battle: Awesome

This confrontation between Luke and Darth Vader is the first legitimate lightsaber duel ever caught on film, and by God was it amazing. Luke and Vader duke it out all around the bowels of Cloud City, cutting cables and pillars all over the place. This all culminates in Luke loosing his arm after being tossed out of the most pointless window in history, and Vader telling Luke the truth.

WARNING: There will be a spoiler. Of course, if you don't know what happens next, you definitely are either a hermit or severely disabled in every way; either way, people will actually kill you if you tell them you don't know what happens in The Empire Strikes Back. It's a good thing you're reading this article and getting the true story.

The truth that Vader tells Luke is that he is actually a black man trapped inside the body of a Russian trapped inside a suit of black armor and Light Bright. Upon hearing this terrible truth, Luke falls from the pointless platform he's on and falls to his death.

The end.