Internet Troll

The Internet Troll is a feared creature that cannot be escaped. They spread through the internet annoying everything they come into contact with.

Just The Facts

  1. The history of the internet troll can be traced back to 397 B.C. when people began following Plato around and making fart sounds after everything he said
  2. Trolls feed off of negative energy in a way akin to vampires. Also like vampires they are opposed to sunlight. Numerous attempts to kill them by stabbing them through the heart with wooden stakes have also proven successful.
  3. Any attempt to communicate with a known troll may lead to violent diarrhea and vomiting. If you've come into contact with a troll, call poison control immediately.
  4. Any attempts to use logic on a troll will be met with violent outbursts
  5. Trolls are people, too. Horrible, angry people.
  6. Trolling people on the internet is a great way to blow off steam and let others know you are an asshole.

How a Troll Works

The trolls appearance is grotesque and their stench is foul, meaning they can rarely leave the confines of their stepfathers basement. Years of online gaming have made them forget how to interact with other humans in anything but the most rudimentary ways.

Except when they want to stage reenactments of Gulliver's Travels

Though oft associated with the mythical trolls of Scandanavian descent, the term comes from the way in which they attempt to harness their prey. By baiting the internet and "trolling" through the waters, they catch people who will respond to their idiotic comments. Unlike a real fisherman, though, once they catch you they will just throw you back after calling you stupid for a while.

Sometimes the troll can't conceal the fact that they are trolling, so they must resort to drastic measures. They will create extra accounts on a forum so that they can present opposing views to whatever it was they were trying to troll for, thus hoping to catch innocent bystanders in their net of deceit. These are known as sock puppet accounts, and if it sounds like the saddest waste of time in human history, it's only because it is.

Like this, but less arousing

How To Avoid Trolls: A Users Guide to the Internet

The technique known as "never interacting with anyone on the internet. Ever." Has proven to be the only way to avoid trolls.

However, if you'd like to actually use the internet for anything other than quietly crying and masturbating alone in your room, there are some basic rules to follow:

1.DNFTT - Do Not Feed The Trolls - They feed off of negative vibes, like anti-hippies. In fact, trolls and hippies have been at war for eons. If you know a hippy, have them sit near your computer. Their positive vibes and access to marijuana should make dealing with trolls much more enjoyable.

2. IP Blocking - the troll never knows when to leave, so blocking their IP is the best way to get them to go away. If you don't have the ability to block IP's, threaten the network administrator with sharp objects until they ban the trolls IP or the police arrive (they are probably there to help you). It should be noted, though, that it is ridiculously easy to find an IP mask on the internet, so this will not actually get rid of the troll.

3. Giving in to the Dark Side - trolls hate competition, so if you became a troll, it would force them to move to more fertile hunting grounds. Of course you'll have to keep up the trolling even after they leave as a deterrent to other trolls.