Honey, I Shrunk The Kids

1989 Disney film that no one but Rick Moranis (and Buffy's mom) would bother to star in.

Obviously, the hottest I have ever looked...

Just The Facts

  1. Arguably Rick Moranis' greatest role.
  2. Arguably Rick Moranis' worst role.
  3. Japan's title for the film is "Microkids!" which just goes to show that once again Japan is cooler than we are.

Honey, I Shrunk The Audience's Intelligence!

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids was the magical first film of the, er, trilogy (you come up for a better word for it!) about a scientist who invents a totally legit and definitely realistic shrinking/growing machine. Too bad this film takes place right after Soviet Russia fell apart. Obviously the ability to shrink/grow things is technology our enemies would like to acquire. Good thing we're keeping it safe in a suburban attic...

Aside from all the well researched and accurate "science" this film has to offer, there are so many places in this movie where the conflict would cease to exist if the characters had even half the IQ that their genius father claims to have.

1. Don't Leave Your Dangerous Shrinking Machine Lying Around

Seriously, doesn't this thing even have a lock mechanism? A rogue baseball manages to turn the computer on, activate the device and start firing at will. God forbid if any larger or more intelligent pieces of sports equipment got in there. A Frisbee could likely take out the state of Texas (however, science has proven that shrinking may not actually work on Texans).

The perfect antagonist to any film!

2. Those Kids Would Not Be That Small!

Previous settings on this machine were set to shrink an apple. Now I'm sure if that Nick kid pulled out his calculator he'd be able to tell you the actual ratio of human to apple, but I am going to guess it's something like 40bajillion:1. If Wayne had any intention of shrinking that apple to the same ratio the kids were shrunk, he'd most likely never even be able to find the apple. More than likely, that machine was set to shrink maybe to 1/10th actual size.

Of course, 1/10th actual size would not have made for an interesting film. Because those kids would be BABY sized. And baby sized teens do not make for great entertainment (though they would make for interesting cage matches with that dumb dog).

You get the idea...

You get the idea...

So let's just assume that the baseball also had the power to change the settings on this machine too. This really is one magical baseball.

3. Out With the Trash

Wayne angry. Wayne smash. Wayne the 190 IQ does not even wonder where his couch has disappeared too. Wayne think about that one later. RAWR! (Rick Moranis, obviously has a deep need to prove his caveman behavior to the world: see The Flintstones).

It's actually quite embarrassing that these kids weren't smart enough to avoid being taken out with the trash. They could have easily hidden in the cracks of the floor boards, or you know, run sideways away from the broom instead of back and forth at it. But regardless, these "intelligent" tykes end up in a trash bag.

So now they are outside, in front of the almighty jungle of a lawn. Obviously my first instinct would be as follows:

(a) I wonder if I can use this blade of grass like a slide.

(b) Oh, I can? Awesome. Now let's wander into the lawn!

Disney will never be able to capitalize on this logic...

Remember how that hunky Russ from next door so wisely says "Well we can't stay here". Actually, yes Russ. Yes you can. You can very wisely wait there and hope Mr. (Dr.?) Szalinski will figure everything out (which he eventually does). Because if he doesn't, you're as good as dead anyway. I mean obviously you could reach the house and always trying standing directly below him shouting at the top of your lungs, but wait, didn't you already try that?

If you really still insist on getting to the house, might I suggest walking along the sidewalk until you reach either fence, and then walking along the fence directly to the house. Sure, this may add an extra mile to your walk (I'm sure the kid with the calculator could tell you), but at least you would know exactly where you are going.

Unless you just really enjoy wandering 10 miles through the backyard jungle.

4. "Crap I Think I Just Shrunk My Children! And those neighbor kids..."

Around the point when poor Wayne realizes his kids are shrunk is about the point where you wonder if he is ever going to stop and think "Huh. Lets think about this rationally. My two teenagers have gone missing on a Saturday. They could either be 1. At the mall or 2. A quarter of an inch tall wandering through the backyard."

Thank god Dr. Szalinksi doesn't think rationally.

That tiny tear in the garbage bag is obviously not normal wear and tear from all the plastic junk I just threw in it, but the desperate attempts at escape from my children!

Obviously this is one household you did not want to come home late too. "Timmy's not home from soccer practice yet? Obviously he got into my Invisibility Coffee this morning, and could in no way be out having a root beer with his friends!"

5. Let's Let the Kids Do All the Work

Sure, you are strapped into some sort of weird love harness thing, but are you really trying to find your children? Wayne Szalinski continues to make one bad decision after another. I know you really don't want to step on your kids, but don't you think if you ran across the yard really really quickly the odds of stepping on them are far less likely than the odds of them drowning from having the sprinklers on for 5 minutes???

And also, shrinking does not make your children deaf. At some point don't you think the kids would have:

  1. Heard their parents talking and:
  2. Seen them flying about their heads?

If you actually are insane enough to believe your children are out there in this lawn, I would very calmly make an announcement to said lawn that:

"Kids, I know you are out there. Keep walking towards the home. I will stand guard so no one (cats included) will step on you, and so that I can see you when you reach the cement."

No. Better not to tell them anything. Or to keep a watchful eye out. Because we forgot the best part of the film:

6. Quark!

Yes indeed, if the genius scientist Wayne Szalinski can't save you, and you can't manage to save yourselves (and you don't have a giant self sacrificing ant handy), there is always the Lassie ex machina!

Humans, can you do nothing for yourselves???

Quark manages to save the day through his advanced dog hearing, and his ability to perceive his master about to commit cannibalism.

Well at least all's well that ends well.

And that kid with the calculator finally manages to figure out that one joke that wasn't even funny to begin with (French class!).