Having A Bad Idea

There are so many bad ideas in this world, I won't even start mentioning them. Instead, here is an example of the idea considered to be the worst idea mankind ever came up with.

Afterwards he knew better.

Just The Facts

  1. The idea of human beings having ideas is as old as the invention of the wheel.
  2. The wheel was a good idea.
  3. Everyday people have ideas.
  4. Most of them are really bad.
  5. This idea right now is the fucking worst.

Introducing the Idea:

Driven by Eros, men throughout history have made both tremendous and fatal discoveries: The example of sex-driven male primitives, who on their search of awesome stuff to get chicks with either stumble across an oasis of prosperity or learn that falling down a cliff can lead to death, depicts the nature of discoveries from the very start. Same goes to ideas: If you let your junk decide, you can be lucky. This is a story of two men who weren't.

It's a romantic story, so read it!

Don't expect any romance whatsoever!

It is a rather tragical story of a man and his father and a part of Michael Alschibaja Theimura's dissertation on... well, you'll see. I wouldn't say Shakespeare could have transcribed it word by word without anyone noticing, what I would say on the other hand is that Eli Roth could make a short movie using only the following incidents. Therefor: Yes, it is graphic. Yet so ironic.

Meet the protagonist:

We travel back in time to the year 1978. Our due to confidentiality nameless protagonist was 31 years old when he made the discovery of his lifetime. He was a married man, worked as a welder, all in all a pretty decent citizen of West Germany. When he was 14 years old, he beat his meat for the first time, and ever since he masturbated at least twice a week. Normality is pretty boring, isn't it? That's what he must have thought that fateful day his wife was out of town and he was tidying up the apartment with a vacuum cleaner, flicking through some illustrates. Horny as he was, he thought of all the joys of fellatio. Right at this point he must have had that one lamp going on, for which he later would have sued Edison: What sucks more than anything in the world? That's right.

Close, but no.

That's right, a vacuum should do the trick. I assume he then looked at his hoover, model KOBOLD by Vorwerk (I swear, every German has one of those!), looked down on his pants, looked back at the hoover again, put on some romantic music and pulled his dick out. You see where this is heading...

The model he used, the green KOBOLD, only has one entry hole: It is 1.26 Inches wide and 4.33 Inches deep. After those 4.33 Inches there is a propeller. One of those that circulate. And if there is any time a man should ask the Lord for a smaller penis, it would have been the moment our protagonist decided to insert his merely erected one into the running KOBOLD's mouth. What could have possibly gone wrong?

Hell no!

He's a sucker!

Well, needless to say, he tidied up for nothing. Let's skip details, but it was a bloody mess. After a few weeks of staying at the hospital, a few operations and one painful year of recovery, our protagonist might have been a glans shorter, but learned his lesson: Never underestimate the allmighty power of physics!

And here comes the irony...

Wait, didn't I say it was the story of two men? Oh... that's right: Here comes daddy!

There comes the time a father has to be strict with his son, especially when he fucked up royally. So it is totally understandable for our protagonist's father, a 59 year old worker, to go nuts when hearing about his son's former schlong. The afternoon his son was being released from the hospital, his father went up to him and confronted him with his theory on how his son had been injured: He accused his son of being a cheating bastard and pervert: Being convinced a damn hooker bit off his sons wiener, that was a pretty common reaction. So his son told him the exact way it happened. He even mentioned every cruel detail you haven't heard of. Did that open daddy's mind? Well... not really, no. Let's just say, it inspired him to be even more stupid than his horny, curious son.

I wonder...

Here's what he did the next day: He took his KOBOLD (I told you, everyone has one!), started it and put his penis in the hole. Same width, same depth, same result. I don't know what the old man expected to happen, I guess it does not matter... One could call it the greatest act of solidarity, or one could call it the outcome of mistrust and sexual unenlightenment, but sure is: It is sad. Like son like father? They seem to be cut from the same cloth AND by the same propeller.

Spread the word!

What is the moral of the story? Well...


First: Trust your children. It isn't always up to the elder generation to make those mistakes you learn from.
Second: If a thing sucks, it is always bad, no matter what. Especially if there are any razorsharp propellers involved!
Third: KOBOLDs can't give blowjobs for shit. Try humping other things in your house.

Having learned their mistake in the 70's, the corporation of Vorwerk eventually redesigned their KOBOLD to be more appealing to women.


... oh yeah! This Michael Alschibaja Theimura collected 16 cases of people who discovered the famous World of Pain, it seems the only passway to it is the hole of a KOBOLD by Vorwerk. These two were cases 14 and 15... may their discovery never be made again.