David Beckham

David Beckham is that guy on the poster next to the one of Orlando Bloom in your sister's dorm room. Dubbed "the ultimate metrosexual", Becks has recently allowed the US Government to use his dapper hairstyles as a new terrorist alert system.

The red alert faux-hawk means that shit's about to go down big time.

Beckham and his soccer balls. Yeah, he's happy to see you.

Just The Facts

  1. Originally, Beckham was an English footballer, but underwent a drastic career change after being signed by the LA Galaxy in 2007 to play soccer.
  2. With all his contracts and endorsement deals, Beckham is the highest paid footballer in the world.
  3. Converting his wealth of British pounds to American dollars upon his arrival in the States is viewed by experts as a leading cause of the economic crisis.
  4. It was predicted that David Beckham's superstar status would transform soccer, finally making the sport popular in America.
  5. Soccer will never be popular in America. More people watch hot dog eating contests.

Why's he the only soccer player you can name?

So how is it that David Beckham has become the ambassador to an entire sport (and no doubt the only soccer player to have a Cracked Topics page written about them)? As it turns out, Beckham's pretty good at kickin' it, in both new and old school fashion, and had been for quite a while before "Beckhamania" officially took off. (And if they're not calling it "Beckhamania" yet, consider the term officially coined.)

Beckham began playing professional soccer at age 17, at a time when most of us are just becoming professional masturbaters. In his ten years of playing for Manchester United, the team won a plethora of titles and cups while Beckham personally scored 62 goals. If a mere 62 goals (or "points" as Americans would say) out of 265 games doesn't seem like a lot, keep in mind that soccer is a game that after 90 minutes of play, the final score is often 1-0. Seriously. Come on Canada! It's just like hockey without the ice!

David counts his team's final score on his fingers.

Ok, so he's good, but what makes a Superstar? How does one go from Overpaid to Grossly Overpaid? Sometimes all it takes is a vague alliteration. In 2002, Fox Searchlight released a film starring Keira Knightley entitled Bend it Like Beckham. Having never seen the film, I like to assume that it amounts to 90 minutes of Miss Knightley in provocative poses while, off camera, David Beckham advises her exactly how he'd like to see her bend it.

You gotta go with the Unrated version.

The film was a critical success and millions, if not thousands, of people around the world flocked to the theater in droves. It seemed that audiences could not get enough of Beckham and how well he bends things. Plus they realized that Keira Knightley is pretty hot. Unfortunately, the film's sequel Bend it Like Geller was abandoned in pre-production.

Whether it's telepathy or just a really frozen carton of Edy's, one thing's for sure: it ain't easy eatin' soup at Uri's house.

He's banging a Spice Girl!

If it's one thing America loves more than a hot chick, it's a group of hot chicks. Hence, the overwhelming popularity of the Spice Girls (for about a year and a half). Men around the world gave David Beckham a pat on the back for wifey-ing up the only Spice Girl still bangable in a post-1997 world.

I'm lookin' at you, Halliwell.

Beckham's celebrity status was cemented as soon as he started getting photgraphed around town with his wife Victoria Adams, aka P.O.S.H.* Spice. Like other tabloid power couples, Posh and Becks enjoy being on magazine covers, making oddly named children (Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz) and joining the second most annoying celebrity religion: Kabbala.

*Pretty Obvious Shopa Holic