Prom Preparation

Prom is of equal importance to both genders. Girls love it because they can dress up. Guys love it so they can score with their girlfriends. But the roads they take in getting ready varies greatly.

See? His bowtie clashes with her dress. Throws off the whole look

Just The Facts

  1. Prom comes from the word Promenade, which means march of the guests
  2. Marching? Seriously?
  3. Have you ever tried walking in heels? Let alone marching in them?!
  4. Fuck that man, I'm going barefoot all night.

The Importance of Prom

Why is Prom so important you may ask? Isn't it just an excuse for companies to force you to buy a dress you'll never wear again? To make you rent a tux, limo, or call girl so you'll look nice in front of your peers? In reality the main reason Prom is so important is because people want their Cinderella moment.

Hollywood has built an empire around the teen comedy. An ugly/invisible/unpopular teen girl who lusts after the boy who is way out of her league has sparked many hits like Pretty in Pink, Never Been Kissed, etc.

What could possibly go wrong?

Red certainly does suit her though...

However if you're already popular it's all about solidifying that you're on top. The feeling you get when your peers are forced to pick you as the least evil of all the others because nobody good was on the ballot is exhilarating. Or so I've been told. I was one of those begrudgingly voting for the softball star as Prom Queen because she sported the most natural shade of orange that night.

People may ask, But Lauren, can becoming Prom Queen really do anything for me in the future?

OF COURSE! When you're out trying to get a job in this shitty economy you can slap that crown on, stuff your belly fat into your old prom dress and cry at how much potential you had.

The rest of us just have to try and work harder!

See? Prom is the biggest fucking deal in High School. Following in a distant second and third are graduating and getting accepted to college.

A Guys Guide for Getting Ready; PROM EDITION

Guys it's time to be honest with you, you are a prop for the night. Your roles will vary from ATM machine to pole she can dance up on. The less talking you do the better. You must listen and always make sure that your tie matches her eye shadow. No need to fret, I'll provide a simple checklist below of what you'll need for the big night.

1. A Tuxedo: There is no way around this. Go out now and rent the best tux money can buy before you get stuck with the powder blue reject suit with the ruffle pirate shirt that even Jerry Seinfeld would wrinkle his nose at. Make sure it fits too. WARNING: This will probably be the longest time you spend shopping in your life!

2. The Ticket: Prom Tickets run anywhere from $60 in a suburban area to three chickens and a jug of milk anywhere south of Arkansas. Make sure you're prepared to buy both your ticket, and your date's ticket. She knows she's not paying, you know she's not paying. Unless you get one of those sneaky ninja dates who buys everything herself, the special night will run you six fucking chickens and two jugs of milk.

3. The Corsage: They don't seem like a big deal anyway. Most people think it's an eighties trend. But girls love flowers. It's impossible to dance with a bouquet in your hand. Thus the corsage is important.

4. Condoms: Let's talk about sex. It's going to happen. In a recent poll forty seven percent of High School students said they planned of having sex after Prom. In a follow up poll fifty three percent said they were lying for whatever reason. You'll need condoms or she's going to flake out. Unless you get the whore you will fuck without any protection. In which case you should question how eager she is. Chances are she's trying to give you AIDS out of spite for something you did and don't know she knows about yet.

5. The Date: Make sure you're date is pretty. Your guy friends will jeer at you if she looks like she got hit in the face with a meteor. Check her teeth. Do you want that mangled mess around your dick? Are you going to chance a girl with braces? What about her eyes? Are they small? Small eyes means she'll have a harder time knowing if you're avoiding eye contact. How about how tall she is? Will it be a hassle to fuck her in some awkward position in the back of the car you rented? These are the things you need to ask yourself while scouring the girls in your Home Ec class.

6. The Hotel and Booze: You're going to fuck. Where do you want to fuck? I doubt on the prospect of fucking on your Spiderman sheets will make her panties drop. Get the hotel room. One without spare beds. If you want to make her have to sleep next to you in close proximity then get a room with a twin. An extra large shower is good too. Note; Always have booze. Always, always, always. If not for her, for you on the off chance you didn't follow my advice and your date spends all night talking about her morals and abstinence.

Got it? Good. You're ready for dry humping!

A Girls Guide for getting Ready: PROM EDITION

OMG! Hey there loves. This is the best night of your whole life! Can you believe it's only three months away? OMGOMGOMGOMG. WE HAVE TO GO DRESS SHOPPING TOGETHER!! Whose house are we getting ready at? How are you wearing you're hair?! Do you have everything you need? Let's check my list -giggles-

1. The Dress: The dress makes the night. As stereotypical as it sounds girls hate wearing the same dress as somebody else. Also for whatever reason we hate buying a dress in our size. I'm personally guilty of buying the perfect dress at an outrageous price two sizes too small and dieting so I'll fit in it by Prom. In reality the guy only looks at the dress so he can figure out the quickest way to get it off.

2. The Shoes: The shoes make the dress which makes the night. The wrong shoes can RUIN the dress. In reality we only wear the shoes to walk into the dance and then take them off. However I'll shell out ninety dollars for a pair of crystal heels because they make the dress POP

3. Tanning/Hair/Nails: This all makes the shoes, which make the dress, which make the night. Do you see how it all ties together? EVERYTHING MAKES THE NIGHT PERFECT. So when something goes wrong, like not being tan enough or hair falling out the ENTIRE NIGHT IS RUINED.

4. Accessories: Make the nails, which make the shoes, blah, blah blah. Seriously accessories seem like a waste. A prom dress has enough bling as it is. But none the less another tiara or rhinestone won't ruin the outfit.

5. Your Morals: LEAVE THESE AT HOME.