A faux news article about a statement made my aliens announcing that they are trying to avoid Earth entirely, based on television broadcasts they received and interpreted as fact, not merely entertainment
On Tuesday, alien representatives contacted Earth officials at the NATO headquarters in Brussels to issue a statement. In an announcement much like one would expect from mean-spirited middle school students, the extraterrestrial speakers said aliens have largely been trying to avoid Earth.
"It's just not a place we want to become tangled up with," said a representative with an eerily concrete grasp on the English language, no doubt imparted by mind-bogglingly advanced technology. "We are simply avoiding humans, for the most part." The representative, gender difficult to determine through a mass of tentacles and fleshy bulges, later corrected itself, saying "Actually, yes. We're making it a point to completely avoid your planet."
In response to a recent TV program featuring physicist Stephen Hawking affirming the existence of aliens, many scientists have advised against attempting to contact any intelligent alien life forms. They have cited the dangers of alien conquest, which could result in the extinction of the human race, and alien plague, a scenario also leading to the end of the world, as very real possibilities. "Both events would just suck," claimed Hawking.
"We always thought aliens would come running to us if they received the signals we've been trying to contact them with," said Dr. Brian Archer of the SETI institute. "I guess we never considered that they'd be generally unwilling to have anything to do with us."
Extraterrestrial representatives reported they had arrived at their decision after thirty years of receiving television radio broadcasts from earth, the signals of which were sent spiraling off into space.
"I've never seen so much life-sustaining bodily fluid spilled in anger," said a representative. "Not since the Great War five hundred years in the past has our culture experienced anything close to what your radiation-based signals have depicted." The representative then went on to explain how-though the ground ran greenish-black with alien blood-the incident was equal to only three of our Earth years.
"However, your culture has demonstrated over thirty years of dedicated destruction, broken only by the vapid discourse of three humans constantly interrupted by one they call 'Kramer.'"
"And the insanity of it!" commented one representative. "Not only have you displayed a zeal for death and destruction, but you have developed such novel methods for it!" Displaying a superb understanding of puns, the representative cited one episode of Law and Order wherein a victim was "coaxed into a pool of dihydrogen monoxide [water] to which an electrical current had been applied. The result was immediate and shocking."
Regarding alleged cases of alien abduction, a representative stated "Well, yes. We have abducted humans." US President Barack Obama raised the question of why these aliens differed so greatly in appearance from the bug-eyed, space man descriptions many abductees have described. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was eager to know the truth behind the alleged probing of abductees.
"We never engaged in 'probing', as you call it. The humans were all heavily sedated with powerful drugs and psychic energies." Doctors have confirmed that utilizing psychic energy to tamper with the very fabric of a human brain could have indeed caused potent hallucinations.. "Even still, we usually huddled in terror on the opposite side of the room, afraid that the human would mercilessly dispatch us with what a one Walker, Texas Ranger revealed to be a 'roundhouse kick.'" At this, Putin nodded and menacingly cracked his knuckles.
President Obama wanted to know why the alien representatives chose to contact Earth via interstellar transmission, instead of physically meeting with Earth's leaders. "While your previous dealings with extra-planetary life have been impressive, they have also been immensely aggressive. Regardless, we credit the sacrifices your race has made, such as your Russell Casse on the day you gained independence from your alien besiegers."
President Obama was heard whispering to aides that he "loved Independence Day" and "cannot wait for the sequel." An aide was heard remarking that she had lost her VHS copy of the film and is "upset they don't play it on TV anymore."
Perhaps the most eager individual at the address was Hawking. His monotone voice incessantly droned on in a futile effort to front questions to the alien representatives, who were clearly unnerved by "the man-machine."
The contact ended after only half an hour. The extraterrestrial representatives cited their concern that we would track their signal and "psychotically obliterate" them as the reason for the brevity of the contact.
Upon the conclusion of the address, the emotionless expression Prime Minister Putin had adopted melted away into peals of resounding laughter.
The Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyaho, was heard commenting "We should show them Star Wars and portray the films as our long and glorious histories."
"Think of the fun to be had here," choked Putin between tears and gales of laughter. "I wonder if they have seen Battlefield Earth." Putin wiped his joyous tears on his sleeve. "God, that film was just awful."
Dmitriy Medvedev, Russia's President, said to Putin that within a month's time they could begin broadcasting a video depicting Putin surfing a spacecraft through a planet's atmosphere in order to single-handedly commit extraterrestrial genocide.
President Obama announced that all members of the US government and everyone present at the address was free to travel to the White House for a viewing of Independence Day. "God, I really love that movie," said Obama.