Ghengis Khan

Genghis Khan- a man who needs no introduction. But to 1 in 200 of you let me introduce him as 'your great-great..grandfather'. Yep, he killed, then was the first man to win Gold in The Fucklympics, despite them not existing. THAT'S how badass he was!

His medal (pictured) was made from his own awesomeness

DON'T LIE- I knew this was what came to mind first, you Civ nerd.

If THIS came to mind, then what the fuck? Seriously dude? Dude?!

Just The Facts

  1. Genghis Khan had the second largest Empire of all time.
  2. 'Empire' was the name of his penis.
  3. Roughly 1 in 200 people are psychopaths. Roughly 1 in 200 people are descended from him. Do the Math.
  4. 'Math' was his name for the entire female population of the world.

The Man. The Legend (yes, 'The Legend' is his dick)

So, what can you say about Genghis Khan (really Temujin- 'Genghis Khan' was just his rap name)? Well, he was more pimpin' than you will ever be. You know that Simpsons episode where Homer has his wall chart comparing himself with Edison? Well, don't even buy a Genghis Khan wall chart, because, one, he will get more action than you ever will, and two, there is NO WAY you are gonna conquer China. I bet you couldn't even take over The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, you pussy! Also, I love writing 'The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia'. But either way, there is no wall big enough to hold his chart (and yes, by 'chart', I mean, once again, his dick- honestly, this guy was a hung mahfucker).

The ultimate statement of penile power. Also, a chart you can put on a wall! Isn't that amazing? Probably invented by the great Thomas Edison. Oh wait, I know what Cracked thinks of him (basically, he's a lemur douche).

So anyway, you want to know what this guy did, apart from being awesome? No, hypothetical reader, I know you don't, because you are an educated Cracked reader, who knows all about Genghis Khan, otherwise you wouldn't have cared enough to read 'Genghis Khan' in the first place! I know how your mind works, non-existant questioner! But anywho, the story of Da Khan began when he was born. Yeah, try arguing with that- facts, bitch! He was born sometime around some year (honestly, who knows- this guy was greater than mere numbers) to Mongol royalty (like European royalty, but less likely to enslave some part of Africa when they get bored, and also less likely to marry their personal trainer- enjoy that Sweden!).

His story properly begins when he reached maturity (READ: discovered the awesome superpowers of his dong). He had to fight his old blood brother for control of an Empire (yes, this guy WAS Darth Vader) and won by using a clever battlefield tactic, which completely made his opponent lose his shit, and made young Genghis lose his not-winningness (that means he won- honestly, it does, sorta). Temujin united all the Mongols (like uniting all the Europeans, but possible- yeah, EU- you know you're a failure) and decided to make them do some cool shit with nearby China, never taking shit and never apologizing, though I do apologize for all the European references- Americans, just know that this is FUCKING HILARIOUS. Really it is. Don't worry, I'll make some baseball reference I don't even understand soon.

You like European royalty NOW, don't you?!

So, you are now the absolute (ish) ruler of a few thousand Mongols, who haven;t even got past the 'Jagshemash! My sister is 4th best prostitute in all of Kazakhstan!' level of social development. What do you do? Develop a stable monarchy to end the misery of constant tribal warfare? Settle down in your first city and create a proper state? If you chose any of those options, congratulations on being a decent and well-adjusted member of society. But also, get the fuck out, you 'you couldn't even conquer The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia despite its only defences being an old guy with a knife and a French Army trained sheep' pussy.

You see, The Big G wasn't a decent and well-adjusted member of society. He was a bundle of testosterone-fuelled crazy. And, not the 'I think I am a butterfly because whenever I eat butter I get the sudden urge to skydive without a parachute crazy'. No, not the 'the world is a beautiful place and we should return to nature' crazy. No, not even the 'he's only a bully cos he has low self-esteem and a bad childhood, and he's only homophobic and racist because he's covering up for his being secretly gay and secretly black' crazy. No, unfortunately, for the people of China, he was the 'let's invade against terrible odds and kick the shit out of these constipated townies' crazy. Oh, sorry, did I say 'China'? I meant 'HALF THE FUCKING WORLD!'. But first, China.

The Conquests (and yes, I'm talking about his dick, half)

China

Because sometimes being the first Mongol Emperor in history doesn't get you enough pussy. He just marched past The Great Wall (and I like to think he put on it his own Great Wall Chart), took over the three Kingdoms of China, then got (Chinese) money like a muhfucker, money you ain't never seein'. At his sieges, he offered the defenders the possibility of not being exterminated if they surrendered, because this guy was all heart. Often, due to his reputation as being the kind of guy who enjoyed exterminating, they did surrender. However, at the siege of Beijing, his army looked a bit small (and no, I'm NOT talking about his cock- that was never anything less than, and I quote Morgan Freeman. 'greater and more powerful than my performance in The Shawshank Redemption'- and yes, Morgan did mean his sexual performance).

So. Genghis is up in the shit. What does he do? He gets his army to spread out and then gets Alicia Keys to tell them 'put your lighters in the air-ee-eh-ee-eh-eh-eh, eh-ee-eh-eh-eh-eh' (yes, that WAS necessary). They do as their told, cos hey, Alicia is way more frightening than Genghis, and they light more camp fires than they need, and spread out. The Chinese, thinking they're against a massive horde, or just thinking they're facing an army of giants who need lots of sleeping room, decide to surrender, cos hey, either option is quite bad, and 'The French will always be the butt of surrender jokes and not Beijing inhabitants, we can get away with one little capitulation, can't we guys?'. And bam, Genghis managed to blue shell the entire city of Beijing out of the race and then used a star to take all of China.

How a brutal psychopath conquered the greatest nation on Earth. Well, that and genocide. But mainly the star.

Russia

Loads of dudes have talked about how you need to be quick to win a war. But Genghis didn't fuck around talking about being quick, he was too busy being quick quickly to talk about being quick. So moving quickly on, he moved quickly on faster than German tanks (and also faster than your Facebook speed-typing record - 20 words a minute won't get you a record you know). The Russians, didn't know what hit them, because by the time it did, they were dead, because that's how fast the Mongols were. Russia got taken in Winter for the first time ever, and Summer didn't even get taken off and married by her perfect guy, even though he tried for 500 days. Despite all the speed though, Genghis wasn't speedy at one thing- sex! He could go for hours, cos he was a luurrvve machine!

JUST FUCKING GET TOGETHER, YOU TWO! GENGHIS WOULD'VE NAILED HER BY NOW! CALL YOURSELF A MAN! YOU COULDN'T EVEN INVADE...

THE FEDERATED STATES OF MICRONESIA!

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, EVEN WEAKER THAN MACEDONIA, YOU LOOSE, DICK-WORN PUSSY.

Persia

Though History's ovrwhelming lesson is 'don't fuck with anyone who's name you can't properly pronounce', Persia hadn't learnt this lesson, cos they were too busy learning about poetry, and other non-manly, non-Mongolian excrement (yes, dear reader, I didn't say shit for once). So when the Persians got a messenger from some Ginger's Corn, they just sliced the messenger's head off, mainly as practice for how to perfectly geometrically slice a melon, so as to appear a true learned gentleman.

Unfortunately for those gentlemen, Ginger's Corn didn't like having his messengers executed, had his army busy doing fuck all, and was more than a little sensitive about his hair colour. So he decided it was time to fuck shit up. And fuck up shit he did indeed do, exterminating large parts of Persia, destroying Baghdad, destroying cultural treasures, and making the streets and rivers run red with blood. Ah yes, Genghis had fond memories of his first spring break, Persia 1220. But that wasn't the end of the story. This is.

Good times- the girls, the parties, the genocide and desecration of priceless sites of cultural interest. By the way, second from left? Right guys?Just trying to get in the Genghis mindset. You know I do a Christian Bale whenever I have to write about someone for Cracked. And yes, as Genghis Khan, that DOES mean explosive anger at film crew. Also, that joke is old, so shame on you for reading it. Also, fuck you for making me write such a long explanation (NOTE: as Genghis)

And The Rest

Genghis conquered a lot of shit in his time, pretty much filling in the gaps between these major conquests, like an angry child who fucking loves colouring so much they go outside the lines and accidentally invade Afghanistan. It's ok, we've all been there. His family got the conquering gene, and spread his empire further (remember, =dick?). His death was all that saved Europe from conquest(though I like to think that with their wacky 80s hair they would have been ok anyway), as his sons had to return home from Eastern Europe to see who got to be Khan. In many ways, it would be like a President, who I won't mention, but who's name rhymes with 'push', who really wanted to invade a country (that rhymes with 'Biran'), only not doing so because of an election at home. Oh wait...

Ooooooh, controversial!

Also a bit like American Idol, except with the greatest empire in the world. See, AMERICAN Idol! I love you really.

The Penis (and yes, I am talking about his penis)

Genghis K was a sex maniac. He had to get it at least 4 times a day, plus bits on the side. He fucked his way through half the world's 'most beautiful virgins', along with his many wives. He was like Tiger Woods, except instead of hitting balls, he hit other men, with arrows, in the balls, and then hit the nice piece of ass he left behind.

G Khan (and the 'G' is entirely appropriate for his lifestyle), got through so much fine vagine that he made himself the comparitively most successful human being ever, becoming a direct ancestor of every 1 in 200 people on the planet, in less than 800 years. Think about that, next celebrity to go to rehab over sex-addiction (Douglas, you couldn't even fuck the sheep of The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, and not because he is army trained. Remember that? Oh, ok).

You need to up your game Tiger. Also, Genghis says 'Tiger' is a retarded name for someone who only ever savages golf balls. Grow some cojones. Oh yeah, Genghis was fluent in Spanish.

And oh yeah, he also had a massive dick.