Bibles are generally the sacred text of any particular religion or movement. They can also be a complete source of any set of knowledge or advice.



Just The Facts

  1. The Text of the Christian Bible is in the public domain. That means any douche with a printing press can make a version of The Bible. (see Extreme Teen Bible)
  2. Over 100 Million Christian Bibles are sold each year....enough bibles for every man, woman and child to hide their gun in.

Do You Believe In Miracles?

Jesus performed many miracles in the Bible such as turning water into wine and making blind people see. He also walked on water and turned some potted meat and a can of tuna into a fucking buffet for 4000 people. According to Wikipedia, Jesus performed 34 miracles, not including when he belched for two minutes straight...which is widely regarded as the 35th miracle.

The most awesomest miracle Jesus performed was when he brought together two(2) comely wenches and presented them with a cup.

Bibles? How do they work?

Apparently, God did not have hands. So He got some people who could actually write and tell His stories. The first Bible was written in Hebrew, then later translated into Pikachu...and then back into Hebrew and then into French and then Arabic. At this point, no one can agree on what it actually says. All they know is that marriage exists between a man and a woman and that if you cut your hair you will fucking die. And some miracles happen.

Old Testament Vs. New Testament

In the Old Testament, God was kind of a douche. He was like smiting people right and left. Did you fuck your daughter? SMITE! Did you accidentally run over grandma with a reindeer? DOUBLESMITE!! Hey, did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world? ALL SORTS OF SMITE UP IN THIS PIECE!

God laid waste to an entire city 'cause people were trying to have sex with angels. And 'cause it's in the Bible, it must be true. "Hey, someone got some Gomorrah in My Soddom"....That's what she said.

How Do You Talk To An Angle?

FACT: Angels are not mentioned in the Bible.