Mobility Scooters

On a trip to Las Vegas, I had a massage and I got a rash from the massage oil. Because I was wearing jeans, the rash spread and caused such discomfort that couldn't walk and had to rent a mobility scooter. Thence a love affair was born.

Mobilitas et Dignitas

Just The Facts

  1. Mobility scooters are typically used by the disabled(i.e. people who should use them), but also the morbidly obese, drunk, and lazy(i.e. me, as soon as I save up enough to get one).
  2. It costs only $40 to rent a mobility scooter at Caesar's Palace Hotel and Casino.
  3. Why the hell are we all not using mobility scooters?! They are sooooooooo coooool.

I have compiled a list.

I've compiled a list of my favorite mobility scooters. If I had a source of income besides unemployment checks, I would collect mobility scooters the way Jay Leno collects cars (Interesting Leno-car Fact, he washes his car collection with Conan O'brians tears) . Now, I know in the comments section there will be people who have their own rather strong opinions on this topic, as this is a topic that tends to get everyone's dander up. Think of this list as an aperitif, a starting point if you will, to a wider discussion concerning the world of mobility scooterdom. Please feel free to add your own links, particularly if you find better scooter models than the ones listed. This list is not meant to be an exhaustive list.

I spent many hours researching this topic because I though that t I might be eligible for the electric vehicle tax credit that was offered last year. Unfortunately, it didn't apply to mobility scooters but only to golf carts. I love congressional boondoggles as much as the next citizen and golf carts are cool, but I can't drive a golf cart into a buffet. A fact which I discovered much to my horror at the at the Piper's landing yacht and country club in Boca Raton Florida, a location from which I'm still currently banned. I love you and miss you gram-gram and Pa-Pa, and I am sorry. Anyways, I was most distraught at not being able to use the tax code to finance my own slothfulness. But I digress, Back to the list.
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I'm Sorry
Sorry Gram-Gram.
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Some of the things on the list are technically power chairs, but there is little difference between a scooter and power chair as far as their use by the obese and lazy is concerned. They can both be used to drive you to where you want without having to resort to standing or moving one's legs. Both types of vehicles are advertised by that Tom Kruse who says he can have insurance pay for it, but he's lying because you actually need to be disabled before insurance will pay for it and becoming disabled is actually a lot harder than it sounds.
You sir are a liar and rapscallion.
You sir are a liar and a rapscalion.

The Rascal Convertable Scooter

This is the Harley Davidson of mobility scooters.

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The rascal convertible scooter can change from a three wheeled vehicle to a four wheeled vehicle. (Four wheels good, two wheels bad. Suck it Segway.) It has that classic mobility scooter look. It is the sort of vehicle you might see an elderly relative or neighbor driving as he slowly comes out of this house honking his horn and screaming at you menacingly while telling you to get off of his lawn. But, it wasn't your fault. You were playing outfield in the street and it was Randal who hit the ball onto Mr. Twombey's lawn and you didn't mean to knock over his ceramic Gnome statue and break it. Why won't he stop yelling at you? Now you're spending the entire summer mowing his lawn and organizing his collection of creepy looking Hummel figurines because he called your parents. Anywho, the rascal convertible scooter is a powerful high-performance product that combines "I'm supported entirely by SSI checks" sophistication with real performance. I like to think that this is the exact mobility scooter Columbia Pictures would use if it were to film the bleak follow-up to Easy Rider documenting Peter Fonda's recovery and physical therapy from his accident at the end of the original film.

The Tankchair

The tank chair is what I assume would be the first step towards all of us becoming Daleks. The tank chair doesn't just look bad ass, it's functional and the website has videos of disabled persons hauling ass over snow, sand, and rough terrain. I've also heard that this is the chair that the military uses for disabled veterans who have been stop-lossed and sent back into combat. The same company also make's the speedster chair, but because it can't be used to drive over frightened children and Volkswagons, it isn't as cool, and therefore will not be mentioned in this article any further. The tank chair can be purchased with an optional solar charger attachment, which I find interesting because I think the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a disabled person would be having to use a solar charger to charge their motorized wheelchair because it powered down during a hike in the middle of a forest. On a related note, Carnivorous animal are able to smell fear and will deliberately seek out weak or injured members of a herd.

The X5 frontier

This is another all-wheel-drive off-road wilderness wheelchair. Yes, this is actually a market segment. Off-road wheel chairs is a market segment. While it does not look as bad ass as the tank chair, it does have some pretty awesome special features. These include three different types of joysticks for steering the chair, contoured headrests, a luggage rest, and it comes in an assortment of six colors all of which appeared to be a shades of brownish red or blue. The coolest feature, a feature which caters not just to the disabled but also the discerning slothful man on the go, is the power seating option. You read that right. Power. Seating. Options. You can recline AND haul ass through the wilderness. No solar charger though, so if the battery dies you will not only be a delightful target for carnivorous animals but you will be in the more vulnerable supine position.

The shoprider flagship enclosed scooter

Going outside without having to actually stand up and walk is cool and all, but what if I want to go outside without having to walk and without having to actually go outside? That's what makes the shoprider flagship my favorite on this list of scooteres mobilitates (latin for mobility scooter).

It's adorable!

Because it's a mobility scooter you can actually drive it inside stores, so it's like you are extra, double bonus inside. Also, you can legally recreate the famous scene from Blues Brother by driving it through malls. Oh, and did I mention that the doors lock and the windows roll down so that you safely scream insulting, borderline racist epithets at mall patrons without fear of reprisal? It has windshield wipers, so that you do not have to worry when the aforesaid mall patron throws a soda at your sweet ass ride. It comes in an assortment of colors, i.e. bright red or bright blue. And, it has a trunk for storing groceries which is so awesome that I can't come up with a funny line. It is just awesome.