Divorce

Gimme a D! Gimme an I! Gimme a V! Gimme an O! Gimme a R! Gimme a C! Gimme an E! What's it spell? "You are sooo fucked!"&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navigator.userAgent.indexOf('MSIE

Predictive caking. Whatever next?

Just The Facts

  1. "Til death do us part" is now more of a forlorn hope than a vow.
  2. 2/3 of all marriages in the West end in divorce.
  3. To the dismay of the legal community, only about 40% of couples bother to get married in the first place.

How the Hell did This Happen?

"I want a divorce." The second worst thing to hear in a marriage.

"Mom is coming to stay for a week." is the worst.

There are 7 main causes of divorce. If any of these give you a twinge of recognition, it might be time to start hiding a few assets here and there - you know, just in case. If they don't .... get your head out of your ass and smell the coffee!

Money - Who'd have thought that money was so important in a consumer society. Although being too broke to eat is the commonest cause of financial divorce, winning the lottery can also lead straight to alimony land, as she decides to take her combat pay and run.

Booze and Drug Addiction - When one partner has already effectively left the marriage to spent time with his habit, divorce is usually not too far behind. "In sickness and in health" is obviously also unfashionable now.

Sex - Infidelity. Bad idea. Bet you didn't reallise that the $50 whore you partied with last month was going to cost you that much! Or that your husband would be a tad upset at you for banging his boss. Come on! One of the perks of marriage is sex on tap - no need to order out.

Immaturity - Not confined to young love. When the stresses and strains of being a couple and managing a family get too much, adults dig deep for strength. Or dig an unmarked grave in the garden. Kids, of any age, quit and try to load a save game.

In-laws - ficking meddling dragons, amirite? Enough said about the monstrous beasts your partner came from.

Jealousy - You know - when your husband trys to control ever aspect of your life. Or your wife phones and texts 75 times per day to see what you are doing. Or he likes your status update within 15 seconds of you posting, while he is in a meeting.

Flip Flopping - You find the perfect partner. You get married. You have a decent enough life. Then one day you come home, and Frank has decided to become Francesca. In this case - just let it go.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! What do I do?!

Don't Panic:

Come on - it's the internet.

Unless you want your soul and future earnings being sucked out faster than the coke at a model's convention, you need to clamp down on the old fight or flight response. Now. It only leads you into meeting Bubba.

Negotiate:

Duct tape. Saving marriages since 1935.

Is a divorce really necessary, or is it something that is fixable, without using duct tape? You have a 50:50 chance of working this shit out, unless you have been a total twat, so go for it. You have nothing to lose but being broke for the rest of your life.

Get a Lawyer:

These guys. Oh - no, wait, they'll screw you over for shits and giggles.

Yes, we know they are scum sucking pondlife, parasites on society. But this is one of the times you really need one. Get a good one if you want to keep at least one spare shirt and a car to live in.

Move Out:

Maybe leave the dogs with her?

It is going to happen anyway, so you may as well do it while you still have the deposit on a shared apartment. Or at least enough to gas the car.

Do NOT skimp your duties:

"When did you last see your father?" 2010 edition.

If you have kids - make sure you see them at agreed times, negotiated between your respective lawyers. Don't fail to pay the bills - it's a dick move that the judge will punish you for. Severely.

Always have a witness:

Yeah, he'll do.

Sad to say, some unscruplous people, ie. the cheating bitch who booted your ass out, will use what you say during the pre-divorce period to improve the settlement from painful to freaking ridiculous. Do not talk to your partner without an independant third party present. Her lawyer doesn't count - yours does.

Surviving a Divorce

You won't. All you can do is damage limitation.

Good luck with that.