Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is a classic case of "I freakin' hate my neighbor", except with much more violence, and the other neighbors actually care. &&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') !=

There is absolutely nothing funny about this image at all. We're not off to a good start. It will be replaced soon.

Just The Facts

  1. The conflict is over a century old, and mixes everything from nationalism to religion.
  2. There have been 5 wars over this tiny strip of land since 1948, with dozens of battles, raids, and skirmishes between then and now.
  3. There have been atleast 9 multi-nation peace talks to resolve the conflict, all of which have failed.
  4. The Israelis really want the land.
  5. The Palestinians really want the land.

The People

The Israeli People

The Israelis -- also known as Jews, Hebrews, Israelites, and according to David Duke, the people who are secretly the "real" Russian Mafia and are working to control the banks, the media, the world, and you (especially you) -- are a group of Semitic people who have been inhabiting the Levant area of the Middle East for thousands of years. Sometime in the second millennium B.C., the Israelis had autonomous authority in Israel and ran themselves just fine. Around the first century B.C., the Romans invaded and started messing shit up, and later told all the Jews to GTFO. Over the next 2,000 years, the Israelis moved to Europe and Russia, while many stayed and continued to live in the Middle East under the rule of whatever empire at the time that decided to wage a war on a whim.

The Palestinian People

The Palestinians are also a group of Semitic people who have been inhabiting the Levant area of the Middle East for thousands of years. The Palestinians have only been called "Palestinians" since the 20th century. Prior to that they were known as Phillistines, Arabs, Muslims or, according to Alan Dershowitz, the people who plotted with Hitler to orchestrate the Holocaust. The Palestinians have lived under numerous governments, and have never been autonomous, and Alan Dershowitz continues to say things despite not having any evidence. We like to call this "bullshit". David Duke does this as well, but we like to call it "racist douchebag asshole who has a small penis" syndrome.

Anyways...

The Israelis and the Palestinians have lived together for thousands of years with relatively few conflicts when compared to the 20th and 21st centuries. According to the Bible and the Quran, these people are actually close family members -- the descendants of Abraham's children Isaac and Ishmael. Guess that makes them cousins or something. Historically speaking, these two groups of people were usually peaceful with each other prior to the 20th century.

Reenactment of Israeli-Arab relations from the beginning of humanity until the 20th century

Reenactment of Israeli-Arab relations from the beginning of humanity until the 20th century

The Origins

During World War I the Ottoman Empire got their asses kicked for being douche bags, and then promptly abandoned their territories before splitting up and running away like gang members during a police chase. The Ottoman Turks just happened to control the Levant. Britain, who was apparently a superpower at the time, managed to gain control of the Levant using their smugness and gentlemanly charm. Actually, it was because the Allied powers decided to give it to them, but we're sure smugness was involved. Anyways, Britain controlled the region and decided to give it the new name of "Palestine" because they thought "Philistines" was a catch all. Either that, or they opened up one section of the Bible, read "Philistines", and just winged it. During the British Mandate in Palestine, the government drew up plans to divide the land between the Jews and the Arabs, so that they might have their own governments. Then World War II happened.

Germans

C'mon, guys. They said they were sorry.

After World War I there was this guy named Adolf Hitler who somehow rose to power. If you read your history books in school or have ever watched the History Channel, chances are you don't really know who Adolf Hitler was. Hitler was a bumbling moron who was literally mentally ill. His IQ was probably around 80 and was completely dependant upon people around him who were smart (This is true). How he rose to power completely eludes any kind of reasoning, but we're guessing that it had something to do with the fact that he gained the majority of his support from giving speeches in taverns to drunk socialists (This is also true). Thanks to Hitler's fucked up and borderline retarded understanding of evolution and natural selection, some 11 million people were systematically killed. This included Gypsies, the handicapped, Slavs, Poles and Polish Catholics, and Jehovah's Witnesses. The people who got the worst of it, however, were the Jews. Hitler had about 6 million of them systematically killed during World War II. This was over two-thirds of the entire population of Jews in Europe. After the war ended the surviving Jews were disliked by much of Europe, and most their homes were destroyed from the war. Nearly all of the Holocaust survivors then migrated to Palestine.

The British handed over the responsibility of dividing up Palestine between the Jews and the Arabs to the U.N. The resolution was passed to split the country, and Jerusalem would be an "international city" regulated by the U.N., which basically means it would turn into a government-ran shit-hole resembling Detroit (Sorry Detroit). The Jewish population agreed to the resolution, but the Arabs rejected it. British troops then left the region, and Israel declared independence on May 14th, 1948. This is the second prominent country that Britain had a hand in accidentally creating.

British

Indirectly starting national holidays since 1776.

The Conflict

Immediately after Israel declared independence, FIVE Arab countries invaded Israel. A ceasefire was declared a year later with Jordan seizing the West Bank and East Jerusalem, and Egypt taking control of the Gaza Strip. Since then there have been over 5 wars, including the 1967 Six-Day War in which troops from NINE Arab countries invaded Israel.

Map

Damn.

In what was truly a "how the hell did you pull that off?" moment, it took Israel all of about six days to promptly knock all of them on their asses, while seizing the Sinai Peninsula from Egypt just for good measure. Egypt cried about it for awhile, and Israel told them "if you just stop bothering us you can you have your stupid desert back". Later, some guy named Jimmy Carter made them be friends.

Aww

Awww.

Around the same time as the 6-Day War, the Arab League in Cairo created a group called the Palestinian Liberation Organization (PLO), whose purpose was to represent the Palestinian people and regain Israel for Palestinian Independence. Apparently these people don't understand irony, as their name which represents independence for their people was a name given to them just a few decades earlier by the conquering British. Yasser Arafat ran the PLO and decided it's balls weren't big enough to go after the Israeli army.

They instead opted to kill over 80 civilians in numerous attacks in a single decade, including the Munich Massacre. The PLO shacked up in Jordan, and King Hussein got sick and tired of them fucking shit up, so he started a war between them which ended up killing thousands of Palestinian civilians. Israeli got sick and tired of the PLO fucking shit up, so they decided to expel thousands of Palestinians. At this point, it's apparent that all three parties involved don't understand the difference between the enemy and the civilian. This should be a pretty simply thing to figure out, but logic may not be their strongest skill.

guy with the gun

Hint: It's the guy with the gun.

The PLO then decides to go into Lebanon and fuck shit up. Lebanon was pretty much the jewel of the Middle East. They had beautiful cities, towns, and beaches; Democratic, and not crazy. But the PLO wasn't having any of that nonsense. They launched attacks into Israel from Lebanon, and then Israel invaded. The PLO showed off their keen war strategies and bravery by hiding behind civilian villages, which resulted in many civillians being killed. The war ended, and some years later Yasser Arafat pulled a no-brainer and agreed with the simple fact that Israel has the right to exist in peace. Then some guy named Bill Clinton made them be friends.

clinton, arafat, rabin

Awwwwww.

At this point, the Palestinians took control of the Gaza Strip, and the West Bank was split between them. All was good - until Hamas showed up. Hamas is the like that one guy you know to never, ever invite to a party. He'll shows up with lame jokes, a condescending sense of self-satisfaction, and will make the entire night about him. That is Hamas.

Hamas

And they've got ninjas.

In the last 20 years Hamas conducted over FIVE HUNDRED suicide bombings in Israel, either with themselves or other organizations. Like their PLO counterparts, Hamas are also a bunch of pussies who target civilians 99% of the time.

They claim that was in response to Israeli settlement expansion, which might be true, but the biggest reason is because their penises are small. The PLO then said "fuck it" and joined in too. According to their own manifesto, all Israeli and Palestinian territories will be turned into one Islamic state. So basically, these guys are bringing religion into the mix and telling the people that they need to fight for God. Seriously, what kind of person would mix religion in with this? Un-friggin-believable.

Christians for Israel

Oops.

Just Forget about that.

Later, Hamas sent rockets into Israel, and Israel responded with force. Hamas continued their attacks, and Israel did what any sensible country would do: Shoot at Red Cross and U.N. trucks containing aid for civilians. Now it's a big, shitty mess over there, and the peace process is going no where. Actually, it's non-existent.