Why Living In The Pokemon Universe Would Suck

When I was a child in the '90s, if I was struck by lightning and stuck in a coma, (nerdy inside joke confined to the entire internet) I would wish to be a Pokemon trainer. Bad idea it turns out.

Red was better. Deal with it

Just The Facts

  1. Pokemon is the 2nd best selling video game franchise in the world, selling over 193 million copies
  2. There are around 10 episodes of the cartoon series pulled from rotation for various reasons, including: Danger to epileptics, insensitivity to disaster victims and men having breasts.
  3. Digimon sucks

6) It's Dangerous As Hell

When a child turns 10 years old, he is finally old enough to begin his pokemon journey. Let's pause right here for a sec. I wasn't allowed to sleep in my own treehouse when I was ten, but this kid gets to leave home and go on adventures? Why not me? Why can't we go on adventures and leave home when we're ten years old? The answer is simple..... CHILDREN THAT YOUNG DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING. Let's hold off on the obvious dangers of walking around in the woods by yourself at 10 years old. When you were 10 did you know how to: cook and prepare food, read a map, give yourself first aid? How about knowing when someone is lying to you? Or knowing how to wisely spend money on supplies and not candy and blowjobs?

Not to mention the dangers of bad weather, pedophiles, getting sick, or umm.... what I am forgetting? Oh yeah..... fire breathing, poisonous, lightning shooting death creatures that will attack you the minute you step in tall grass.

Also, sword-handed dinosaurs

Also, sword-handed dinosaurs

5) Overly Competitive Opponents

So you managed to survive the dangers of the wilderness and have become a pretty successful pokemon trainer. You decide to take your training to the next level and take on the best trainers in the world. You wanna be the very best, like no one ever was. Hold on there, buddy. You ain't gonna be the best in town with those pansy ass pokemon you've been carrying around. Pokemon are like narcotics. Eventually, the stuff you've been using doesn't cut it any more and you need to upgrade to the good shit. That Onyx, Pikachu, Golbat and Butterfree won't help you when everyone else went out and got Dragonite, Gengar, and other Pokemon that rank up there on the "Any n00b can win using those" list. It doesn't matter how much you've bonded with your Pidgey, he's holding you back and will eventually be cursed to spend the rest of eternity in someone's computer storage system. Not to mention someone out there has caught Mewtwo by now.

Pictured: RAGE QUIT

Pictured: RAGE QUIT

4) Lack of Technology

When you can fly to any city in the world on the back of birds, teleport in the blink of an eye, or cruise through the ocean on... well.... almost anything you catch, technology's gonna take a pretty big hit. They say "necessity is the mother of invention." But when there's little necessity to get pregnant with invention, the chances that technology will emerge slightly retarded or perhaps a stillbirth become increasingly high. As a result, big name corporations won't be researching advances in communication, transportation or energy and would instead be inventing... say.... more powerful Pokeballs.

Screw internet! This is where the money is!

Screw internet! This is where the money is!

3) Cheap Labor

So you're out of money and need to buy some food. You can't call your parents for help. They don't even know if you're still alive. And what bank is gonna give a loan to a 10 year old? No.... looks like you need a job. Can't be that hard, just a few hours of mowing lawns or washing dishes and I'll be on my merry way. Not quite. Try getting paid to do a job that can be done by a Pokemon for free. As soon as man encountered Pokemon, he tried to do 3 things. [1) Eat it ]-[2) Have sex with it]- [3) Put it to work]. And as the relationship between humans and Pokemon grew, our ability to make Pokemon work for virtually nothing was perfected.

But somethings will never change

But some things will never change

Pokemon would ruin the economy and put millions of people out of a job. They offer cheap labor with the only downside being you can't understand what they're saying. They're like Mexicans..... but less dangerous.

2) Terrorists

We are at Alert Level: Gay

Whether they want to flood the earth or just call dibs on some fossils, terrorists and criminal organizations run wild in the Pokemon universe. Every town you go to someone was robbed, or a CEO is being held hostage, or they're trying to kill ghosts, or the worst crime of all..... THEY WON'T TAKE ONE STEP TO THE SIDE SO I CAN ENTER A FUCKING BUILDING! Consider this..... of all the trainers you battled in the game, how many were members of Team Rocket? A little less than half, right? How many cops did you meet? How many jails or courthouses did you walk by on your way to the Indigo Plateau? The Pokemon universe is a lawless frontier. It is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. It's the wild west, but with dragons and catchy music..... actually that seems pretty bitchin'.

1) Not Everyone Gets to Train Pokemon

Maybe the Pokemon universe wouldn't be so bad. Sure it's dangerous, but so is the world we live in now. But it would be worth it if I was able to travel the world and go on adventures while catching and training little monsters to have barbaric no-holds-barred fights in a world where such violence is not only allowed, it has become endorsed into a multi-million dollar organization.

Super Effective

Unforunately.... not everyone gets to be a Pokemon trainer. Someone has to run the Pokemart. Someone has to install plumbing and keep the power grid on. Someone has to grow corn so we can eat Doritos. I'm afraid it's true. In fact, most people will have to give up on their dreams of Pokemon training and get jobs to support their family. You will have to live in this lawless, dangerous world surrounded by terrorists and mobsters while the rich, privelaged kids are the ones who get to travel around (While complaining about how backwards Pewter City is compared to Saffron). The Pokemon trainer is that universe's European backpacker.

That sound you heard was your heart breaking

That sound you heard was your heart breaking.