Disney Animated Movies
What happens when you get a bunch of white guys in a room and ask them to draw children's cartoons for hours on end? Hidden violence. And dicks.
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Check out last month's look at lessons Disney Princesses taught us, yesterday's look at what the torsos of stupid people would look like If T-Shirts Told the Truth, or last weeks look at What The RIAA Thinks an MP3 is Worth.
Or if you're in the mood to read, find out about the The 9 Most Racist Disney Characters Poindexter.
Disney Movies
Sometimes you watch a movie and you're like, "Wait, why didn't Indiana Jones just wait a few months for the Nazis to leave before he dug up the Ark?" Well, Disney movies have those moments too, but instead of plot holes, they have criminal behavior, and they cover it with award-winning songs. Luckily, that only worked when we were younger.
We're not talking about those fun Disney movies for grown ups, like Pirates of the Caribbean (who "pillage plunder...kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot"). We are talking about the cartoons.
Here's what we're talking about:
Here's an old one. It's Bongo the circus bear. He doesn't know it, but the way to show your love to your girlfriend is to PUNCH HER IN THE FACE. This is also probably the only Disney song that talks about "making love." But they make a song about it, so it's all right? Right? For kids?
And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Sleeping Beauty:
Sleeping Beauty? Yeah right.
Look at that. The only reason there isn't an IV in her arm is because she's in a fucking castle and they didn't have them back then. But it's OK because he "met her Once Upon a Dream...But if I know you, I know what you'll do You'll love me at once the way you did once upon a dream..." It's your basic she-would-have-consented-if-she-were-not-in-a-magically-induced-coma defense put to music. Don't be fooled.
Peter Pan:
Where did the Lost Boys come from? They each came from their own homes with their own mothers. That is, until Peter Pan came and took them away to go camping with him. How long were they gone? So long that they forgot what a mother is. But that's OK. He'll just kidnap them a mother. He's like 400-years old or something and he's enticing children to runaway with him with no intention of ever taking them back.
Do you see how much more creepy it is without the songs and magic? Do you see?
What if this guy had convinced eight boys to come live in his backyard? Wait, I think that has happened before, but on a much smaller scale...
Right.
Aladdin:
"One step ahead of the breadline." [translation - I steal everything I eat.] "One step ahead of the sword." [translation - I hate cops]. "I steal only what I can't afford. That's everything." [translation - Really. I'm not joking. I steal everything].
"Tra la la, I also impersonate royalty.
But hey,
it's ok.
It's just 'cause I want to have sex
with the Princess.
Even though I'm lying
I'm sure she's dying
To have sex with me tooooo."
Donald Duck:
What's wrong with Donald Duck? Two words: Duck. Weiner. Everyone else wears pants. Do you know why? The same reason why we wear pants: to cover our wieners and our asses because it would be chaos if we didn't. For some reason, Donald duck thinks that his sailor vest is enough.
Imagine that, but only from the front.
You know what else is unique about Donald Duck? He's the only one who is regularly featured with cartoon children.
And it's not just his commando lifestyle that makes him a bad parent. It's this too - Donald Duck: "Hey kids, you aren't smoking enough."
The Lion King:
How did this happen:
It all happened when Simba faked his death, ran away, and lived in the jungle with Timon and Pumbaa. He never would have even come back if not for his girlfriend randomly finding him there. It would be like if half way through the Revolutionary War, George Washington made it look like he was murdered, took a trip to Jamaica, and then came back twenty years later to find the country in shambles, asking, "What? How did this happen?" When he realizes his crime, how does he solve the problem? Kill the reigning king. That's how.
That's Right...
Teaching your kids values since 1937. Dream children. Dream...
Not that funny, people don't seem to care that all of most of these movies are based on stories Disney didn't create. Also Peter Pan is only like, 14 at most so its not like he could really be charged with kidnapping but I think I remember hearing that J.M Barrie had originally planned for Peter to be the villain of the story but changed it later.
Replyside boob!!
ReplySimba didn't even fake his death, he was chased away by HYENAS. Who also threatened him by saying they would kill him if he ever returned.
ReplyDude...that donald duck ppic with the little girl...all I could do was stare at my screen and repeat "Oh no" with my hand over my mouth...then bust out laughing. That is sooo bad!
ReplyIts my facebook profile pic man... I said "Holy s**t are you kidding me... They must have known"
The photograph of this donald picture should be awarded the highest internet medal : (more or less retarded) meme
question: why does it matter if donald duck is wearing pants or not? hes a DUCK. and last time i checked, ducks dont usually wear pants. its like complaining that nobody in the lion king or bambi wears pants. they dont wear pants because theyre animals, as is donald duck
ReplyAnswer: Have you ever seen a duck's penis? It's freaking scary. Also, he's not just a duck, he's an anthropomorphic duck, living in a community filled with other anthropomorphic animals who, in fact, feel the obligation to wear pants. Take Mickey Mouse, who wears pants, but not even a shirt.
True- but Disney introduces the clothes by giving him a shirt. And giving the others he interacts with, like Mickey Mouse, clothing.
Also, Donald Duck always wraps a towel around his waist when he exits the shower...huh.
...Wow, this is a horrible article. It's not even remotely funny and half of the things said are absolutely retarded. For example, the portion of Aladdin mentioned teaches that it is okay to steal if you are extremely poor, and that you should not be killed (Aladdin is only stealing food by the way, maybe clothes - nothing else). So, this is definitely something we want our kids to learn - in other words, "don't be assholes". Donald Duck is not wearing pants, and this issue *could* be made funny, but this article definitely didn't do so, this article instead just acted as though it would matter whether or not you wear pants if there was no statue against it (or in places where there isn't a statue or law against it) - which is doesn't, unless you're female and live in, say Detriot where you will easily get raped. This is the shittiest article I have ever read on Cracked, and, if it was the first article I came across on a website, I would IP block the website just to avoid wasting my time there again.
ReplyI really hope you meant to say "statute" and not statue...cuz now all I can think of is a giant, moving statue beating up pantsless people...
What? Is that not _way_ better? That is an awesome mental image.
Donald Duck also is a mad bomber.And a murderer.And the face he is making on his profile is HILARIOUS.
Replythe 3rd from the bottom picture is sooo wrong. That should be under WTF were thinking when that ride was designed
Reply...Except remember the time when we didn't point out unintended (or hidden) sexual atrocities to small children?
The bottom image is of cosplayers, not actual face actresses at the park. I believe this image is from DeviantArt's Bri-Chan, the group was featured in her blog at Comic-Con a year or so ago.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSeriously did anyone really think those where real Disney costumes...
Yeah, I think I recognize those fountains as the fountains across the street from the San Diego Convention Center.
....yyyyessssssss >_>
I'm okay with it. I think the park should switch to those.
This is one of the weaker Cracked topics I've seen. It truly was not a pleasure to read.
Replywoa, how can that Ariel costume be disney approved? SIDE BOOB!
ReplyWhat crazy pervert designed that Donald Duck ride? I can't believe that thing!
Replyyeah that was disturbing
the kid on Donald Duck was so f*****g funny! still laughing my ass off
ReplyUm, the Prince from Snow White, anybody? The guy was a necrophiliac!
ReplySnow White looks kind of creepy in that picture...
ReplySleeping Beauty
you ruined my childhood by giving Aladdin a terrible mustache.
ReplyHow is the chick from Beauty and the Beast not on here for bestiality?
ReplyFunny thing is, I grew up without watching some of these because my mom thought there were poor lessons in them. People have given me SUCH a hard time about it, like my family was "crazy" because my mom wouldn't let us watch a cartoon about a career criminal who get's rewarded with a magic genie.
ReplyShe took this stance after my sister watched "Oliver and Company". Yeah, the cat movie. Things were going missing, and my mom caught my sister sneaking around the house. "It's okay, Mommy, we're just stealing. Like Oliver." Yeeeeah, Mom took a hard line after that on some stuff.
Oh,my brilliant sister also took a leap off our 3rd floor balcony while "playing Bambi" because she had to "escape the fire". On that one, my mom just told my sister not to be stupid.
Sidenote: What is WITH the sideboob on Ariel there? Is that actually AT Disney? Seriously, that's less than they'd let a tourist wear into the park.
omg the folds! the terrible folds of boob!
I've been to Disney many times and never noticed Ariel. Maybe they keep her in the water.
I have to agree that there's not really any way Simba could logically be charged with "faking" his death or killing Scar, the only thing he could be accused of is running away from home as a young child and ignoring his problems, not really arrest-worthy. Peter Pan was just the leader of a gang of runaway children, I don't think he deliberately kidnapped anyone. Donald Duck isn't bad, he's just drawn that way ;) Aladdin however, is guilty as charged.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThe main point I wanted to make was about Sleeping Beauty (and Snow White, plus Enchanted), because I've seen this point of view before and it bugs me.
These men were not kissing strangers. They didn't randomly ride past a hot-looking corpse and decide on a whim to get their freak on. By that time in the stories the couples had the cartoon equivalent of a relationship, and had been dating for a while. They knew and trusted each other. Phillipe had been on his way over to propose to her earlier, for pete's sake. So it's sexual assault now to give your girlfriend a kiss when she's sleeping? Or to kiss a loved one after they've died or lost consciousness? And we are talking about just a single kiss here, not rape or necrophilia like in the original versions of the stories. And killing the dragon was totally self defense :)
/ye olde two cents
Agreed! Perhaps you should contribute articles. At least you won't lead us astray.
Right! My two cents about the whole Simba situation:
Shadowland: caused when the lionesses were forced to over-hunt because there wasn't enough food to feed both the lions and the hyenas.
Faked Death: Scar tried to kill Simba. Simba ran away. How is that faked death?
Murder:Wwhen Simba came back to get back his throne, Scar tried to kill him AGAIN. Simba just dodged him, so Scar basically launched himself off a cliff. That didn't even kill him. The hyenas did.
Okay, class dismissed.
Weeeeeell, Peter Pan didn't kidnap the Lost Boys, but he DID kidnap (kinda - he enticed them with adventure...is that much different than candy?) the Darling children from their bedroom.
The mermaid in the last picture's the only thing that matters.
Reply