What happens when you get a bunch of white guys in a room and ask them to draw children's cartoons for hours on end? Hidden violence. And dicks.
Check out last month's look at lessons Disney Princesses taught us, yesterday's look at what the torsos of stupid people would look like If T-Shirts Told the Truth, or last weeks look at What The RIAA Thinks an MP3 is Worth.
Or if you're in the mood to read, find out about the The 9 Most Racist Disney Characters Poindexter.
Sometimes you watch a movie and you're like, "Wait, why didn't Indiana Jones just wait a few months for the Nazis to leave before he dug up the Ark?" Well, Disney movies have those moments too, but instead of plot holes, they have criminal behavior, and they cover it with award-winning songs. Luckily, that only worked when we were younger.
We're not talking about those fun Disney movies for grown ups, like Pirates of the Caribbean (who "pillage plunder...kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot"). We are talking about the cartoons.
Here's what we're talking about:
Here's an old one. It's Bongo the circus bear. He doesn't know it, but the way to show your love to your girlfriend is to PUNCH HER IN THE FACE. This is also probably the only Disney song that talks about "making love." But they make a song about it, so it's all right? Right? For kids?
And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Sleeping Beauty? Yeah right.
Look at that. The only reason there isn't an IV in her arm is because she's in a fucking castle and they didn't have them back then. But it's OK because he "met her Once Upon a Dream...But if I know you, I know what you'll do You'll love me at once the way you did once upon a dream..." It's your basic she-would-have-consented-if-she-were-not-in-a-magically-induced-coma defense put to music. Don't be fooled.
Where did the Lost Boys come from? They each came from their own homes with their own mothers. That is, until Peter Pan came and took them away to go camping with him. How long were they gone? So long that they forgot what a mother is. But that's OK. He'll just kidnap them a mother. He's like 400-years old or something and he's enticing children to runaway with him with no intention of ever taking them back.
Do you see how much more creepy it is without the songs and magic? Do you see?
What if this guy had convinced eight boys to come live in his backyard? Wait, I think that has happened before, but on a much smaller scale...
"One step ahead of the breadline." [translation - I steal everything I eat.] "One step ahead of the sword." [translation - I hate cops]. "I steal only what I can't afford. That's everything." [translation - Really. I'm not joking. I steal everything].
"Tra la la, I also impersonate royalty.
It's just 'cause I want to have sex
with the Princess.
Even though I'm lying
I'm sure she's dying
To have sex with me tooooo."
What's wrong with Donald Duck? Two words: Duck. Weiner. Everyone else wears pants. Do you know why? The same reason why we wear pants: to cover our wieners and our asses because it would be chaos if we didn't. For some reason, Donald duck thinks that his sailor vest is enough.
Imagine that, but only from the front.
You know what else is unique about Donald Duck? He's the only one who is regularly featured with cartoon children.
And it's not just his commando lifestyle that makes him a bad parent. It's this too - Donald Duck: "Hey kids, you aren't smoking enough."
The Lion King:
How did this happen:
It all happened when Simba faked his death, ran away, and lived in the jungle with Timon and Pumbaa. He never would have even come back if not for his girlfriend randomly finding him there. It would be like if half way through the Revolutionary War, George Washington made it look like he was murdered, took a trip to Jamaica, and then came back twenty years later to find the country in shambles, asking, "What? How did this happen?" When he realizes his crime, how does he solve the problem? Kill the reigning king. That's how.
Teaching your kids values since 1937. Dream children. Dream...