Naruto Vs. Real Ninjas

In this topic we will explore what real ninjas are and how most characters from Naruto are anything but Real Ninjas.

Dressing up in orange makes you an easy target for real ninjas and makes you look like a Chee-toh.

Great job cammouflaging, ya douche bag!

Naruto in his 6 tails form.  At this point the series is less about ninjas and more about power pissing contests ala Dragon Ball Z

Just The Facts

  1. Naruto is a popular anime series that portrays ninjas as powerful god-like superhumans who use raw power instead of stealth to kill opponents.
  2. Real ninjas kill people all the time. No one finds out because they are good at it.
  3. Dating back to the 14th century, ninjas have been known for two things: Leaving unexplained dead bodies lying around and making Chuck Norris piss his pants.

Round 1:Stealth

There are a few things that seem to be a necessity when becoming a real ninja. First off, you should wear clothing that can help you blend into your surroundings. Another necessity is to carry out most assassinations in the cover of darkness, not at fucking noon where even the village idiot can spot you and give away your position.

On the left we have a real ninja hidden in the dark, on the right we have Naruto hidden in the dark. Epic Fail?

Real ninjas would never be caught wearing colors that would make a poison dart frog look dull. The only advantage Naruto has here is the fact that a deer hunter wont shoot him on purpose. Then again, a real ninja has no problems dodging buckshot from a double barrel, nor would they be standing in the middle of a forest during the day.

A true ninja on a nocturnal mission: 2% chance of being spotted.

Stupid Naruto mission, find some ass-hole's rabbit. Chance of being spotted: 99.9%

"FUUUUCCCKK!!! How did that fucking rabbit see me??? I'm a ninja!"

Winner: Real Ninjas

Round 2: Weapons

While ninja weapons exist in the real world and Naruto's world, they are far more effective in the real world. In the world on Naruto the most common weapon is a kunai, followed by shuriken, swords and then some lesser-known weapons. As you can clearly see though, much of the cast of Naruto carries little to no weapons:

Featured above: No weapons. Unless you count Akamaru (the dog).

Featured above: Enough weapons to turn the Naruto ninjas into bowls of shit flavored ramen.

There are always exceptions to the rules. In Naruto there are ninjas who use puppets, giant gourds full of murderous mother's blood saturated in sand (I'm not making that shit up), giant swords and even summoned creatures, but it's not the norm so the veredict is:

Winner: Tie

Lets just see those weapons put to good use:


Temari Kicks Tenten's Butt

Seriously??? That ninja in the pink shirt is named Tenten and she always throws about 3,476 different weapons at her enemies and misses ALL of them. What the hell is the point of having all of those weapons if she ALWAYS misses? Here's an idea: Put all of those weapons inside a cement truck, then put Tenten inside of it and hit spin for about an hour. After having those weapons hit human flesh for the first time in their lives, take out the remaining puree of Tenten and send it on a rocket to the Sun where they shall vaporize with no chance of such a shitty ninja ever having a chance of passing off her genes.

Winner: Tie

Winner: Real Ninjas

Round 3: World

In this round we will try our best to see which world is more awesome. The world we live in known as reality and planet Earth of the fictional land where Naruto is based:

The Real World:

Wrong Real World....Fuck you MTV!

This is more like it:

Earth: Where Satan comes to vomit!

Naruto's world: Al Gore's wet dream. Even in a big ass town there are many trees and no smog-making factories.

To be completely fair and realistic, Earth has hundreds of beautiful places. We just like to go and make them look like shit. This section will be all the more relevant in 300 years when all of Earth is similar to that first picture. As for Naruto's world, yes it's a fictional place, but every time they show a different place there is a lot of nice detail into making it look nice, even if it is filled with a bunch of aposematic ninjas.

Winner: Naruto

Final Round: Ability to kill.

In this final round we will determine the what makes any ninja an effective, fear inducing tool of the underworld. A good ninja must possess the ability to kill, make dead, assassinate, slaughter and dismember until no longer alive. Yes those are all the same thing, but ninjas are so badass that they need five different terms of sending someone to their doom....okay six.

While the deeds of ninjas amuse the hell out of the grim reaper, it makes the rest of us aware the reason he has no friends. His charming sense of humor.


While ninjas in the real world are famous for killing, killing and more killing:

Ninjas weren't big fans of No Doubt's "Trapped in a box" video.

The ninjas in Naruto, mainly the titular character, are very hesitant about killing. As a matter of fact most of the handful of kills in the series have been made by bad guys to make them seem more evil. Naruto himself is more like Super Saiyan Ghandi than a ninja:

Now if you're not a reader of Naruto you might be confused so let me get you up to speed. The guy Naruto is confronting is called Pain/Pein. Pain killed Naruto's beloved master and then later killed at least half of Naruto's hometown. Naruto's answer in that last panel? "So, I won't kill you". What the holy mother of fuck?!?! Why not give him a pat in the back as well and send him on an all expenses paid trip back to Otogakure? Once Naruto decides not to kill him, Pain does some magic jutsu where he dies and spooges some chacra crap that revives everyone who's soul he took. Pretty un-epic for a damn series based on Ninja. At this point it would have been better if he killed Pain and had a bunch of pokemon cry to bring back his fallen comrades.

Winner: Real Ninjas Where the violence is at.

Further evidence of Real Ninjas being way more badass.

Conclusion

While Naruto is a very enjoyable anime/manga series for many people, the truth is that real ninjas are way more kick-ass.

Overall Winner: Real Ninjas

Prize: An all expenses paid trip to France apparently!

Ninjas celebrate the only way they know how. Making ninja babies in the city of love.