British Army

The British Army is similar to the US Army except as opposed to a two month course of basic training, it's 6 man-fueled months of pumping iron and wrestling bears in cold, grey weather with nothing but a rifle for protection. Also, goats.

Don't let the jewellery fool you. He rape's children.

Just The Facts

  1. The British Army was formed in 1707, due to the unification of England, Wales and Scotland.
  2. The British Army consits mainly of sldiers from England, Ireland, Scotlando and Wales (don't laugh), but it also includes people from the Commonwealth, including the Gurkhas from Nepal
  3. Contrary to popular belief, they no long wear red coats in battles. I know, it sucks.

Training

So, you want to join? No? Ok, fair enough, but just for shits n' giggles, lets pretend you do want to join.

'What's it like?' I hear you ask (you didn't? Well, i'm gonna go ahead and carry on).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWn5ynHzY68

I don't know how much you bothered to watch of that, personally, I managed up to 2 minutes before I decided to log on to a porn site; but simply put- it's all lies. All horrible, baby-killing lies.

"Shouting and screaming at people...doesn't work" - Bull...shit.

From experience, I remember a platoon of 50 people doing push ups in a corridor thinner than Kate Moss in Ethiopa, with a Corporals foot on my back shouting into my ears.

It was the first time I considered becoming an accountant or a male stripper.

In six months, you can expect drill, bayonet practice, cross country, firing rifles....and ironing.

Lots. Of. Ironing.

Private Smith, shoving democracy down terrorists throats with only the finest quality shirts.

The final task of training is the "passing off the square", where the soldier can show his parents all of his months of hard work and ass-kickery in the best army in the world (that's right, America) by killing 50 ninjas armed with only a toothpick, whilst saving the Queen from being fed to sharks by Hitler.

Oh, wait. What do you mean none of that happens? What do you mean they stand still for a good hour without moving?

WOW! Fuck you Bin Laden! I bet your gay-boy terrorists can't stand still for even five minutes!

It is customary in the British Army to then march to the nearest TakeAway for a kebab.

Relationship with the US Army

The US and British Army having nothing but the highest respect for eachother. In fact, the two best armies in the world that fight side by side share a brotherly love that is unbreakable.

Okay, it's not ALWAYS the highest repect

Because the British Government has absolutely no backbone whatsoever, the British Army tends to follow the United States Army around wherever they go to show their support. Imagine if you will, your small pet poodle (it's called "Captain Snugglecake") following around the big Alsation from next door, constantly sniffing its butt.

Both countries have always been allies and have always stood side by side through thick and thin.In fact, I can't think of a single moment in History where both countries had any sort of misunderstanding...

Ouch.

America and Britain are still working together in Afghanistan and Iraq, ignoring the fact that the rest of Europe simply can't be bothered to help (pussies). Let's be honest, though- not having the French on your side is not really a big problem. If anything, it's a plus.

The British Officer

Back in the good old days of wearing red coats and making the French surrender (no Englishman could ever get bored of that), the British Officer's job was to wear pimping outfits whilst drinking whiskey, as their men stood in lines getting shot at. If you had money, you could be an Officer. Simple.

"Go over there and kill someone will you? I would go too, but i've got a terrible cold."

This method led to a list of terrible officers, and the phrase "Lions led by Donkeys" (although the literal prospect of that would be just so awesome). So, in the modern day, Officers have to actually be good at their job. What a sick World we live in these days.

Even so, Officers still live the high life. They train to act like proper gentleman and even get taught how to act at a dinner table. Yeh, if you're gonna kill someone, you gotta do it in a gentlemanly fashion.

"My apologies, but I do not like the fact you have two arms, and I shall remove one immediately".

For all the appalling Officers in British History, there are many great ones, here is a list of Great British Officers that Americans may recognise:

1. The Duke Of Wellington.

History

It is a well known fact that the British like war. I mean really like it. It's kinda the whole point of being British. You would take land, beat the French, wear pimpin costumes and be back in time for tea. Crumpets and the finest warm Ale for every fellow!

Here's to Colonialism, Chaps! Huzzah!

As this page shows, Britain has fought a lot of countries, but what that article really neglects to mention is that Britain didn't just fight harmless little spear-wielding countries (though it was undoubtedly one of their favourite past times).

Without Britain, Napoleon would not have lost at Waterloo. Without Britain, the American colonists would have been pimp-slapped by France and her Indian allies. Britain's aid was crucial to the victory in the Crimean War. The Battle of Britain was one of the crucial moments of the Second World War. The tiny Island managed to take over the entirety of India, who weren't exactly unprepared.

What, you don't think India had any weaponry? You sir, know shit all about anything...They had motherfuckin rockets...ROCKETS!

Savages.

Napoleon Fuckin Bonaparte

Arguably, The British Army's finest hour was beating the shit out of the little Corsican, who decided that exile in Elba was not quite as fun as making the whole of Europe his personal playground, and so had decided to reclaim France. Maybe if he chose a country with a much more successful history in winning things he might actually have won Waterloo.

Before Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington, aka "Nosey", aka "Our Atty", aka "The Beef", aka "French Killa"- was on the scene, the British Army was a total pile of turd. The Army had always been small, but professional. However, the current men serving were nothing but rapists, murderers, thieves, rapists, vagrants, rapists and drunks. The British did not rely on conscription like their continental counterparts; meaning that a large majority of recruits were criminals or living in poverty, only joining because of the lack of prospects back home.

Private Johnson: Pirate, Soldier...Princess.

In the "Peninsular Campaign"; against Napoleon's armies in Spain and Portugal, Wellington forged his army into the greatest fighting force in the World. The British Army became some of the fastest soldiers at reloading their muskets and fired them with much greater accuracy than most other line troops on the continent. They would form ranks two-deep and were incredibly skilled in holding the line against the advancing French columns, which usually made most other soldiers shit their pants in sheer terror.

The Brits also had the best riflemen. Rifles were only for the greatest shots in the nineteenth century, as they were difficult to reload and to control. The British trained their riflemen to work in effective small groups, using cover and targeting enemy officers. Somehow, this proved effective; clearly aiming and using cover somehow has an advantage over standing a few tens of yards away from an enemy in a large group.

The British Cavalry lacked good quality swords, but were great swordsmen. Centuries of war on the continent had deminished the quality of war horses in places like France, Prussia and Austria, which meant the British also had the most fighting fit horses in the war. It is reckoned that man-for-man, a British Cavarlymen outclassed even his French counterpart.

An actual photograph of British Cavalry at Waterloo.

On the morning of the battle of Waterloo, Napoleon's Marshal's, who had been defeated by the British in Spain, warned Napoleon of the sheer killin' skillz of the Brits. Marshall Soult, one of Napoleons best commanders, told him "Sire, in a straight fight the English infantry are the very devil." What the actual Devil had to say about this remark is unclear.

Napoleon didn't listen to his Officer's advice...Napoleon lost. For the first time in the campaign, Napoleons Imperial Guard were routed from the field as the British withstood the French advances while the Prussians arrived to take out the French right flank. Napoleon was once again exiled but this time foor good...?

Thanks to Waterloo, the British cemented themselves as fearless mofo's who to this day still ain't scared of shit.

The modern British Tommy

Lets be frank, for the private soldier in any army, the pay sucks. It just sucks. But then it isn't all about money, the modern British soldier can expect to travel to all the beautiful countries the world has to offer:

Germany, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland, Iraq, the Falklands, Hawaii, Jamaica, Italy and Norway. Cold, cold Norway. (Why is there never a fuckin war in a really nice country? Something Asian- perhaps Cambodia, Laos, maybe even Viet N-...oops... sorry).

Technology-wise, the British soldier simply cannot come close to his American ally. Catterick, the destination for almost all infantry recruits, makes do with second/third/hundreth-hand equipment, and rifle stoppages and holes in materials are common. The Sa80, the British rifle, is heavy although effective. But let's be honest, rifle's aint shit if they don't look good, right? Well do not worry; look at this thing of beauty right here:

Ugh!

Food-wise, it's mainly every kind of fatty food imaginable, packed into tiny pouches like some sort of Mary Poppins Mcdonalds restaurant. There is even some fibre bars which guarantees a stop to the pooping hole.

Also, the most awesome chocolate bar that God ever created.

You now want to be in the Army. Mission Accomplished.

To conclude, the British Army, while small and underequipped, is still a force to be reckoned with. Highly professional (unlike what you've seen from 28 Days Later) and armed with an accurate if somewhat fugly weapon, they are one of the reasons as to why Britain is still a major playa' on the world stage.

Next topic coming up, the Royal Marines