Birdemic: Shock And Terror

What natural disaster threatens San Francisco the most? If you answered 'Earthquakes' you're wrong. Dead Wrong.

Just The Facts

  1. The makers of Birdemic were not invited to the Sundance Film Festival. They went anyway.
  2. The origin of the highly influential "romantic thriller" genre can be traced back to Birdemic.
  3. Birdemic is the only film in the "romantic thriller" genre.

Academy Award for Originality

In the harsh present day, where hack directors like Quentin Tarantino and Edgar Wright make far too good a living by making numerous "artistic" references to other movies, it is refreshing to finally see a spark of originality in the person of James Nguyen.

Google Image Search for James Nguyen

Rather than relying on past films to express his complicated vision of the turbulence of the present day, James Nguyen creates a new villain for his seminal masterpiece, Birdemic: Shock and Terror: birds. We've seen serial killers, we've seen sharks, hell we've even seen Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates. America is desensitized to all of these typical and derivative scare tactics. How many people have seen a shark or a serial killer in person? Not many. But who has seen a bird? Everybody (except blind people). Not surprisingly, James Nguyen's genius harnessed this powerful discovery for the first time. He made birds the villains of his masterpiece, a truly unprecedented move in cinema history. Wait, what?

Academy Award for Semi-Originality?

Okay, so The Birds technically was made before Birdemic: Shock and Terror for all you sticklers who argue that time is linear. But Birdemic goes above and beyond the limits of its predecessor by reimagining the power birds can actually have, in the vein of Jaws: The Revenge.

Jaws 4: the first movie villain to nearly kill an actor's career

What was the problem with Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds? Hitchcock clearly did not understand the power of birds. Harnessing the power of modern science, Nguyen goes beyond pecking and crapping, two overused and pretty much unthreatening weapons. Nguyen's film hypothesizes that upon making contact with solid surfaces, birds will explode into a fiery butterball of flames. Now, skeptics will complain, saying that such a wild idea is not scientifically verifiable. But there haven't been any "scientific" experiments to disprove that birds are not literal ticking time bombs. Sure, some might say such a line of reasoning is borderline rape of the scientific method, but isn't it about time that science got a bit spicy?

If exploding birds were not original and insightful enough, Nguyen throws another golden ticket our way: acid-spitting birds. Giant cobras and possessed children have had an uncontrolled monopoly on oral projectiles for far too long. Who's to say that birds can't evolve to unleash a weak stream of sulphuric acid on helpless bystanders? There are a lot of words in the English language that James Nguyen does not understand and two of those words are "evolutionally" and "impossible".

No English, No Problem

Language is overrated and outdated as a communication tool. Just ask James Nguyen who proves a firm grasp on grammar and words is just about as useless as any understanding of the film making industry.

"We have begin production and Birdemic is the most challenging romantic thriller that I have ever directed"

We'll give Jimmy a break for his grammatical error because nobody wants to thought about the subtle intricacies of past participles and how they work. However, the second half of Nguyen's statement is the real pubic hair in his rape kit of the English language.

Almost an actual screenshot from Birdemic

The "most challenging romantic thriller"? Really? How many other romantic thrillers has he directed? None. The term did not even exist until Birdemic was released, and even then he had to invent the genre himself. All this just goes to show that terms like "critical acclaim" and "movie review" are just abitrary and nonsensical Hollywood grumblings that mean nothing. If you simply apply yourself hard enough and disregard everything anyone ever tries to tell you about anything, you too can become the "Master of Romantic Thrillers" TM. And if you're wondering, yes, he did trademark his own made-up title.