Coyote Ugly

Coyote Ugly is a bar/nightclub franchise that was started by Lil Lovell. Her shrewd business sense and big titties helped cement her as one of pop-culture's...um...whatever, she's hot. There was also a movie based on her life.

An actual visit to Coyote Ugly reveals that the movie is waaaaaay different than the actual place.

Just The Facts

  1. You are guaranteed to hear "Pour Some Sugar On Me" at least once an hour.
  2. The routines the girls do on the bar are copyrighted and must pay a license fee to the choreographer every fucking time they are performed.
  3. There are no men allowed on the bar...ever! However, exceptions are made for LeAnn Rimes.
  4. A "dirty shot" is when a girl eats a jello shot and then spits it into the mouth of a kneeling patron then rubs his face in her boobs.
  5. Girl-on-girl action is not only allowed, it's encouraged.
  6. A "trampede" is when a dozen or more girls almost kill you as they run to the bar to climb on it.
  7. Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch" has the dubious distinction of being both for and about the women who go to Coyote Ugly. The dance routine to this song is like watching someone trying to wave down a police car after they had got the shit beat out of them by their boyfriend.
  8. Women are encouraged to leave their bras which they then dangle from the ceiling....their bras from the fucking ceiling.
  9. "We need some money in the jukebox and some bitches on the bar!" can be heard over and over and over every night.
  10. For some fucking reason, Coyote Ugly is host to bachelorette parties where girls get shitfaced and wear penis-shaped hats.
  11. Most of the girls have this sheen and consistency to their skin that can only be described as "astroglidey"

Usage of the Term "Coyote Ugly"

According to Urban Dictionary, Coyote Ugly is a "situation encountered after a night of consuming alcohol whereby a person, usually male, wakes the next morning in a strange bed with a sexual partner from the previous evening who is completely physically undesirable (see ugly, nasty, two bagger) and sleeping on the man's arm. The hapless male would rather gnaw off his own arm than wake the woman and have to face the ills of his intoxicated choices the previous evening. Originating from a phenomena whereby a coyote captured in a jaw trap will chew off its own leg to escape certain death."

Coyote Ugly, the fucking movie

Starring Tyra Banks and a couple of other prostitutes, the movie told the story of a girl with Dan Conner for a dad and how she shakes her titties and makes money by dancing lewdly on a bar in a New York saloon that looks like no one had ever vomited or smoked in it. Also, LeAnn Rimes not only wrote a song that appeared in the movie ("Can't Fight The Moonlight"), she had a brief cameo where she got on the bar and everyone said: "No men on the bar!"

Lil Lovell

Beautiful Girls + Booze = Money

That is Lil's motto and it fucking works. She has made money by treating the patrons like the pussy-hounds they are. They get slapped, teased, called names, and get their wallets raided. She is awesome, kindof. This is what happens when you break shit down into simple equations like:

Beautiful Girls + Unprotected Sex = AIDS

Horny Men + Booze = Getting kicked in the nuts by a bartender