Norse Gods

If you are one of the fortunate few who are of Northern European descent, you will be familiar with the Old Gods. If not, check out brat-halla at the end of the article. And despair at your puny religions attempt at Gods.

Just don't ask where the horse came from

Just The Facts

  1. The Vikings, as befitting a warior race, had fucking horrendous gods.
  2. Your best option? Die in battle and fight ,feast and fuck eternally in Valhalla
  3. The worst? Die of old age or disease. Hel is awaiting you

The Major Players

Odin

The All Father, and king of the gods. Pretty much ignores mortals as less than dogshit on his boot unless they are fighting, so a bit like most hockey fans. Traded an eye for wisdom - which was not exactly a bright move for a warrior god. It really didn't work - he then hung himself from the world tree for 9 days and threw Mirmir's head into the well of souls as additional sources of wisdom. This guy was really hooked on education.

Thor

Known and derided by comic fans everywhere for his nancy boy hairdo.

Freya

Odin's long suffering and nagging wife. Although a total bitch, she is the only Norse goddess still regularly prayed to by Christians. What - you don't pray for Friday?

Loki

Look. We like jokes, probably more than average. Especially dick jokes. But a Jokester God? Sign us up now.

Hel

She rules Helheim, the realm of the worthless dead. Reputed to be incredibly sexy and ice cold, a bit like that bitch at the prom. The origin of the saying "Hel has no fury like a woman scorned." and indeed the Christian Hell.

The Norns

You know the Fates that the Greeks invented? They got bored of olive oil, sheep and heat and moved north. Even Odin has to obey them - hold on, God has a mother in law?

Yggdrasil

The world tree, the hub on which the 9 worlds turn. If this scenario reminds you of The Dark Tower - we are not exactly shocked.

Minor Gods and Annoyances

The Valkyries

The only Norse legends with a truly kickass and instantly recognisable theme tune. Their job is to snatch the souls of fallen warriors, or women who die in childbirth, and take them to Valhalla. Since they are the idea woman - bat winged, carnivorous and weighing nothing, they can use the Bifrost Bridge.

Slepnir

Odin's mount - an 8 legged horse that can gallop between the nine worlds. Born after Loki got fucked by a stallion on a bet - oy! stop fucking giggling. We have all made mistakes when we were drunk.

Fenris

The Frost Giants

Baldur