Norse Gods
If you are one of the fortunate few who are of Northern European descent, you will be familiar with the Old Gods. If not, check out brat-halla at the end of the article. And despair at your puny religions attempt at Gods.
Just The Facts
- The Vikings, as befitting a warior race, had fucking horrendous gods.
- Your best option? Die in battle and fight ,feast and fuck eternally in Valhalla
- The worst? Die of old age or disease. Hel is awaiting you
The Major Players
Odin
The All Father, and king of the gods. Pretty much ignores mortals as less than dogshit on his boot unless they are fighting, so a bit like most hockey fans. Traded an eye for wisdom - which was not exactly a bright move for a warrior god. It really didn't work - he then hung himself from the world tree for 9 days and threw Mirmir's head into the well of souls as additional sources of wisdom. This guy was really hooked on education.
Thor
Known and derided by comic fans everywhere for his nancy boy hairdo.
Freya
Odin's long suffering and nagging wife. Although a total bitch, she is the only Norse goddess still regularly prayed to by Christians. What - you don't pray for Friday?
Loki
Look. We like jokes, probably more than average. Especially dick jokes. But a Jokester God? Sign us up now.
Hel
She rules Helheim, the realm of the worthless dead. Reputed to be incredibly sexy and ice cold, a bit like that bitch at the prom. The origin of the saying "Hel has no fury like a woman scorned." and indeed the Christian Hell.
The Norns
You know the Fates that the Greeks invented? They got bored of olive oil, sheep and heat and moved north. Even Odin has to obey them - hold on, God has a mother in law?
The world tree, the hub on which the 9 worlds turn. If this scenario reminds you of The Dark Tower - we are not exactly shocked.
Minor Gods and Annoyances
The Valkyries
The only Norse legends with a truly kickass and instantly recognisable theme tune. Their job is to snatch the souls of fallen warriors, or women who die in childbirth, and take them to Valhalla. Since they are the idea woman - bat winged, carnivorous and weighing nothing, they can use the Bifrost Bridge.
Slepnir
Odin's mount - an 8 legged horse that can gallop between the nine worlds. Born after Loki got fucked by a stallion on a bet - oy! stop fucking giggling. We have all made mistakes when we were drunk.
Fenris
The Frost Giants
Baldur
Wow. Your like the History Channel where the truth is history.
ReplyLike they said, a lot of mistakes here. For example; Odin is not the only warrior god - they had 3, Odin (who in fairness was the one with most power, as he was not only warrior god, but all-seeing eye, wisdom god, co-creator and a lot of other things), Thor (who was the "hit down anything, it's probably an enemy" kind of God) and Ty (who where the strategic one, with some sort of actual right/wrong-compass
ReplyFurther on, Freya was not Odin's wife, and more of a hostage trade where they found out Asgard (you know, where the gods live) wasn't such a bad place and decided to stay there with her brother and father.
An apparently, half alive, half dead is sexy, because that is the way Hel is described.
Comics are not the best when it comes to facts
I have to agree this has so many mistakes, maybe you should read a bit more about the subject before you start making topics.
ReplyTerrible and incorrect, please discard this and try again.
Reply