Little Brothers

To identify a little brother, he is the one you give the unplugged remote to when he asks if he can play video games.

If you listen hard enough I think you can hear his innocence dying......

Just The Facts

  1. The more older brothers a boy has, the higher chance he'll be gay.
  2. This is offset by the fact that your mother almost definitely loves him more than you.
  3. Alec Baldwin doesn't have any little brothers...... Oh wait, theirs Stephen.... yeah, that's all of them


Throughout history their have been instances of brothers doing great things together. Romulus and Remus: the founders of Rome, the Wright brothers: Inventors of the plane, and the Klitschko brothers.

If you have a little brother on the way and are asking yourself this question, "How will he benefit me and/or make me money?"

The answer is


If you have a little brother acting is the way for you! What's that? You don't have any acting talent you say? Doesn't matter! You can just have your little brother step into the spotlight when he's old enough and redeem the family name. People won't even remember what a big asshole you are!

Have you seen Gone Baby Gone?

I know, he's such a good actor!

Wait, who's that other guy?

Or if you are the talented one, and question your little brother's ability to act, that's ok too. You build an empire of fame and money that you had to do unspeakable things for, and your little brother can just leach off your success. He would do the same for you.

We think his brothers are actors but we don't care nor remember.

Or if neither of you possess any redeeming qualities, acting is still the way for you.

There are also examples of brothers who both rock. For instance, the Cusack brothers.

The Cusack Brothers!

And The Gyllenhaal family.

We hear good things about your brother, Jake!

If acting isn't the path for you nor your mother's replacement baby, that's ok. Theirs one more profession your bro can venture into to benefit you.


No not the genocidal, nightmarish one. This falls more into the category of personal slavery. You now have a tiny, obedient life form that will bend to your will immediately. Like Dobby!

How many times have I said your not allowed inside the house bro?!

Most of their ability to shut up and not argue stems from the fact that they don't know any better. They simply haven't lived long enough to learn that life isn't always a hellish, frantic scramble to fulfill your every wish. When this happens their aren't many ways to deal with it.

Come here Billy! This nice man is a doctor!


None of this is a possibility until your little brother has at least learned to walk. Babies are hands down the worst kind of little brother. And there is no case of someone giving birth to a fully grown human.

I wish this were a documentary.

Babies have only two ways of communicating. Making unintelligible noises similar to the aliens in Signs, or crying as if you've just chopped off their arm instead of picked them up.

Sometimes, babies are devious. These little brothers are the worst, wanting only to usurp your position as baby of the family. Their innocent mewling might seem like the harmless babbling of a child but you know better.