Lady Gaga's Lyrics

Lady Gaga is a hilariously incompetent robot, much like the bumbling droid C3PO from the Star Wars series. However, she differs from C3PO in that she is making a clumsy attempt at world domination. Her lyrics can be classified into three categories:


In the above diagram is every Lady Gaga song, organized by lyrical content.

Just The Facts

  1. Rumors abound that Lady Gaga is gay, a man, a hermaphrodite, or an agent of Satan. However, these amount to nothing but baseless slander, as Lady Gaga is a cyborg and thus devoid of sexuality, gender, or leanings toward good or evil.
  2. "Her" body of work, despite representing a modest 25 songs, is noted for having the highest known PRD (Phallic Reference Density) levels ever recorded.
  3. Lady Gaga's lyrics have used every single euphemism for genitalia that exists, including a few of her own invention, such as "disco stick" or the supremely gross "Christmas tree".

Why Are Lady Gaga's Songs So Successful?

Despite the desperate bewilderment that any human feels when confronted with Lady Gaga's lyrics, her music seems wildly popular. To understand why, one must examine her fanbase:

Lesbians have no time for that shit.

Lesbians have no time for that shit.

These statistics demonstrate that Lady Gaga's fans are entirely comprised of gay men and people with the exact same interests as gay men. The following diagram compares those interests to the lyrical content of Gaga's music.

As you can see, the two are practically interchangeable. Through her songs, Lady Gaga has crafted a wonderland irresistible to anyone who likes dicks, parties, or dick parties. And fortunately for her, there are exactly 15 million such people in the world at the time of writing.

The Secret Circuits

Now that the mystery of her popularity is cleared up, we must address Lady Gaga's dark secret: she is not human. That's not autotune you're hearing... it's automaton (rimshot). This is clear once you learn how to recognize the signs of a machine walking among us.

The most obvious giveaways are, of course, her erratic behavior and bizarre clothing:

To be fair, with this one it's unclear <a href=""/>who swaggerjacked who.</a>

...But there's no need to go into any great detail on that topic, as it has already been addressed by leading research institutions, several books, and even hundreds of DIY Barbie dolls.

Lady Gaga is no more alive than this unsettlingly accurate representation of her.

The ludicrous attacks on her gender are also telling. They're almost as ubiquitous as her dreadful music, and quite as poorly-written. Queueing up any of her songs on YouTube will thrust you right into the center of the debate, as the comments invariably hold insight on the topic presented by today's greatest minds. For example, one user writes:

"Are you peoples fucking kidding me lady gaga is a fucking man. His name should eigther be man gaga or not really a girlgirl."

But every rumor has to start somewhere, and the origins of this one are puzzling. Judging by the photos I've seen, she's at least passably feminine. In fact, if I didn't know that beneath that suspiciously smooth skin, cold, heartless machinery is whirring and scheming, I'd almost be tempted to call her pretty.

If there's a cock in this picture, then Monsieur Gaga is the master of tucking.

If nothing else, her appearance certainly doesn't stand out as manly in a world of Hilary Swanks and Rosie O'Donnells.


Yes, some have linked the talk of cock to Lady Gaga's intimate relationship with the gay community. But really, this can't