The Worst James Bond Henchmen

The first Bond film, Dr. No, really set the standard for "WTF?!?!" henchmen moments...

The "Three Blind Mice" go on to shoot up a bunch of people before dying in a fiery car crash... maybe I'm old fashioned or something, but I'm pretty sure that's the way 99.9% of blind people's attempts at driving end.

Remember, killing the disabled is funny if you think up a good one-liner to sum it all up.

You know who Oddjob is, don't pretend that you don't. And because of that, you know exactly why he's a crappy henchman.

Guns are over-rated.

Seriously, can you imagine what Oddjob's interview must have been like with Goldfinger?

Goldfinger: Well I like the inhuman strength, and you're an amazing caddy... but what's up with the bladed hat? Isn't that a little impractical?

*Oddjob stands silently.*

Goldfinger: Well you've sure convinced me, you're hired! Now meet my assistant, Pussy Galore...

I can't remember if they ever explicitly stated that Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd were gay in the movie, but Diamonds Are Forever was so bad that I wouldn't watch it again to find out. But seriously, look at that picture - doesn't Mr. Wint's stance and Mr. Kidd's overpowering mustache just scream "I'm the opposite of James Bond in every conceivable way!"

Notice that, even when they're getting their asses kicked, they are as stereotypically flamboyant as possible. Not that this is an uncommon event or anything, but I think we could have done without Wint screaming in pleasure when James Bond reaches between his legs (that's right, James Bond is so manly that he even turns on gay men).

Actually, the one trait they do share with Bond is a love for groan inducing one-liners. For example, after blowing up a helicopter they share the following exchange:

Mr. Kidd: If God had wanted man to fly...

Mr. Wint : He would have given him wings, Mr. Kidd.

...or when they try to cremate Bond:

Mr. Kidd: Heartwarming, Mr. Wint.

Mr. Wint: A glowing tribute, Mr. Kidd.

Coupled with James Bond's own plathora of one-liners, it's a wonder they didn't run out of material when Roger Moore took over.

If only.

Quick, what's the most important trait you could want in a henchman? If you said loyalty, then you get a cookie. If you said "BEWBS!" then you're wrong, because I said henchman dickhead... unless you're really into she-males, in which case God help us all.

Anyway, loyalty. Nick Nack is such a good servant that he constantly sends assassins to kill his master, Francisco Scaramanga, because the old codger decided that Nick Nack should be the heir to his estate in the event of his untimely death.

He only does it because he loves you.

Now I don't know about you, but if I was looking for henchmen I would want one that isn't looking to backstab me at every turn (hell, he even tells Bond where he can find Scaramanga in the final showdown). Perhaps he hired him for his wicked-ass knife fighting skills...

Aw, isn't it cute? It's got a knife and OH GOD MY EYES!!!

I know, I know, Jaws is one of the most awesome James Bond henchmen there is, and easily has a lot more bite (see what I did there?) than his supposed "superiors", Karl Stromberg and Hugo Drax. However, the idea of a man who bites people to death is completely ridiculous.

You the see problem with this premise? If that guy had run or not gotten himself trapped inside a confined space, then Jaws would have been like a fish out of water (hey-yo!). He's also extremely lucky, since James Bond seems to lose his superhuman shooting powers whenever he points his gun at Jaws - must be some sort of electromagnetic magnetic field-thing. [/bullshit]

Please don't kill me for including you on this list Mr. Jaws...

Xenia is another one of those really impractical hench-persons. In case you haven't seen Goldeneye, her method of killing is rather... intimate. (By the way, the video is probably NSFW, especially if you've got the volume cranked)

Holy fuck! She just killed that fat guy with the sheer might of her iron thighs!

I'm sure you've heard of people enjoying their jobs, but Xenia exaggerates that saying soooooooo much. And really, she's severely handicapping herself as a professional killer - she has to either get so close to a guy (or a girl!?! Hold on a sec, I've got a screenplay to write for Goldeneye 2) that she can sex them to death, or she's going to be organsming all over the place while she sprays bullets...

Actually, on second thought, Xenia Onatopp is the best hench-person ever. Next!

"Oh why are these four guys grouped together?" I hear you ask. The answer is pretty simple - they're all completely typical henchmen. They're all big brutes who do whatever their boss tells them to do, and they all can inexplicably take a ton of punishment without even flinching. They're basically Oddjob and Jaws without the personality (although of the 4, Gobinda is easily the most memorable... but he's in Octopussy, so fuck him).

Of course, these guys are also the ones who inevitably get to showcase some of James Bond's most creative kills...

"Happy trails, Hans!"

Obviously, Kriegler doesn't die in this clip, but it does exemplify how lame For Your Eyes Only is.

Skip to 8:30 for this one (unless you want to see a bunch of flexible women kick the shit out of the bad guys... you know you do).

"He didn't have a head for heights!" would make so much more sense here.

Skip to the 3:00 mark for this one.

I could make a joke about how Mr. Stamper got stamped, but that would be too easy. Like your mom!