King Crimson

King Crimson is a British prog-rock band formed in 1969 by guitarist Robert Fripp. Fripp has been the only remaining original member since well, pretty much the end of 1969. This might imply that Fripp's difficult to work with, which is correct.

Pictured: rock and roll.

This man has probably gotten more action than you or me will ever get.

Just The Facts

  1. So far King Crimson has made twelve studio albums.
  2. Nobody bought any of them.
  3. If they happen to play in a concert hall near you, you're probably from Eastern Europe.
  4. Unlike Blue Oyster Cult, they do not need more cowbell.

In The Court Of The Crimson King

Probably the least unknown Crimson album, as it opens with the insane, distorted fan favorite "21st Century Schizoid Man". The rest of the album is a bit less awesome, though I should give credit to the completely incoherent random sound salad "Moonchild" for wasting 12 minutes of my life over and over again. Damn you, intriguing bicycle bell. Damn you to hell.

In The Wake Of Poseidon

Pretty much exactly the same as their first album, only this time...well I don't really know what to say, it's exactly the same. If you can tell the instrumental middle piece of "Pictures Of A City" apart from that of "21st Century Schizoid Man", that should be your cue to go out a bit more. Seriously, I worry. Go buy a mountainbike or something.

Lizard, Islands

Everything people can hate about prog rock and then some. 10-minute songs that have 30 seconds worth of musical ideas, lyrics like Each afternoon you train baboons to sing / Or swim in purple perspex water wings / Come Saturday jump hopper, chelsea brigade / High bender-trender it's all indoor games and Fripp trying out the laziest guitar parts in the history of lazyness. Seriously, fuck these albums up their pretentious asses. Except of course for you, "Ladies Of The Road". You're nowhere near awesome, but your brief Beatles pastiche is pretty much the only creative moment in the two albums combined.

Larks' Tongues In Aspic, Red

The most brilliant stuff Crimson has ever made, consisting mostly of heavy metal riffs, oddly placed violin solos and roughly two lines worth of lyrics. Unfortunately they figured they'd still get radio play that way, so they were also forced to add some artsy bells and whistles played by that guy in your dorm who's always smelling of patchouli and hitting on hatracks. Apparently this album went platinum in some countries I'm not sure actually exist.

80s: Electronic everything

Of all the bandwagons Crimson has ever jumped on, going for a new wave sound was probably their most entertaining attempt at being accessable. Fripp doesn't really get do much anymore, but new front man Adrian Belew (formerly of the Talking Heads) is really on a roll here and churns out one poppy 80s gem after the other. Every 80s Crimson song sounds like a rejected "Miami Vice"-soundtrack, and who would want it any other way?

The 90s

Another awesome era. Not because of the song material, because it blows, but at least the mediocre compositions are played by no less than six guys who seriously mean business. 90s Crimson proved once and for all that any song can become a hundred times better if you just play it really loud on various goofy-looking instruments. The "stick"? The "touch guitar"? Now they're seriously just messing with us for the sake of messing with us.

Where are they now?

I'll like to write an excessive "where are they now", but to be frank these are only fun to do when the members a) died of overdoses b) are in jail or c) are doing porn. Where's the Limp Bizkit page when you need it, damn it?