Relativity. Science at its finest, proving, as all sports fans know, that what you see depends on where you are seated.

And you think YOUR mind is blown.

Just The Facts

  1. The General Theory Relativity: "Don't fuck your mom. Or your sister." Kentucky appeals to the Supreme Court.
  2. The Special Theory of Relativity: "Unless you are not blood related." The Brady Bunch breathe a huge sigh of relief.
  3. Einstein is now spinning fast enough to warp the Earths orbit into the sun within 2 years

What the fuck is Special Relativity?

When in doubt, head to wikipedia for all your science needs. Sadly, the definition in Wikipedia is pretty opaque for most people, so let us break down their intro for you.

The face of nerd rage. And a pretty fair mullet.

Special relativity is based on two ideas which would have Newton screaming fail and starting a flame war:

  1. The laws of physics do not change. There is no such thing as a privleged frame of reference. This was a bitter pill for the aristocracy to swallow in 1905.
  2. The speed of light never changes, no matter what you do. Not even a sick paintjob will speed it up. A bit like your 1987 Pinto.

Now, accepting those two ideas as gospel, we can start to get into the fun shit.

Relativity of simultaneity: Two events which seem to be simultaneous probably aren't if the observers are moving in different directions.

A good excuse when you finish off first for the 19th time this week.

Time dilation: Moving clocks tick more slowly. So if you are cramming for a test - do it on the run.

Science. Fucking with your mind since 1905

Length contraction: Objects are shortened in the direction that they are moving with respect to the observer, thus forever explaining the whole dick length discrepancy thing your girlfriend constantly taunts you with, though we aren't sure why she has her eyes open.

Move a little slower and it'll shrink a lot less.

Mass-energy equivalence: The infamous E = mc2. The one equation that anyone over the age of 8 knows - even artists. To summarise - every gram of matter holds a shitload of boom.

Who pissed off that rock?

And General Relativity?

Shit to do with gravity. It is technichally a metric theory of gravitation.

Keep your primitive inches to yourself.

Ignoring all the mathematical crap, this gives us:

Time slows down in higher gravitational fields: The higher the gravity, the slower the clock. So, in theory, a sufficiently large mass can stop time completely


Your Mom's watch is always slow. Real slow.

Orbits precess in a weird ways: Don't ask us - do we look fucking Mayan?

Einstein said so - it must be true!!!

Gravity bends light: But gravity works on mass, doesn't it? Which must mean light weighs something. But it can't, by Special Relativity, as nothing with mass can travel at the speed of light. This is where most people give up.


Frame-dragging: in which a rotating mass "drags along" the space time around it, like the way you get dragged along and thrown helplessly through the air by a sweet twist kick to the nads.

Who knew Physics hurt this much!

The Universe is expanding: Like the occupants of a crowded elevator fleeing after a particularly nasty shart, with the furthest away moving the fastest as they have a head start. The most distant are apparently moving faster than the speed of light - hey, no theory is perfect.

OK. Taco Bell luches are fucking banned!

Why Should I Care?

Good question. Carry on being a scientifically illiterate jerk. We don't care. It has given us a few useful things though, as well as forcing a shake up of the clockwork universe idea.

Better Aiming

If two bodies are in motion .... I need to aim ... ah, fuck it. Spray and pray.

Space exploration is the current big thing. Or was until the Democrats got into power. Now, Newtonian mechanics are close for space flight, but close is only good enough for grenades or cruise missiles. Chucking a survey probe, or a manned mission, at a planet at serious speed means you need to aim well. Or make one hell of a crater.

Oops! It was LEFT at Albequerque.

Nuclear Power

Nukes are bad? Shit.

The bogeyman of the Greens. Let's see the bastards try twitter on solar power. It is cheapish, and cleanish, if you don't consider the risks of downright incompetance and toxic waste that lasts 30,000 years. It is also global warming's blue eyed boy. And that is probably just the Cherenkov radiation.

A typical citizen of Springfield.

Warp Drives.

Damn. My Dilithium matrix is fucked again

What the FUCK? It is only a prototype at the moment., but the fucking thing works. Without fuel. Imagine sticking one of these babies in your car and telling global warming, and BP, to go fuck themselves.

Where the green women at?