The Six (Seven!) U.S. Presidents Worse Than George W. Bush

Comedy = Tragedy + Time. At the time this was written (Spring 2010) not nearly enough time has passed for us to look back at the catastrophic years of George W. Bush's presidency and laugh heartily/sadistically at the idiocy of the American people.

Fuck ME. I'm awesome!

Just The Facts

  1. Take heart! There may have been even worse Presidents than GwB.
  2. Wait. Is that supposed to make me feel better?
  3. The tragic truth is that U.S. History is littered with the carcasses of shitty presidents. Here's a list of a few shiny turds.

The Beginning Of An Error

- "Wait. You elected WHO? TWICE?"

- "Well, the alternatives were Gore and Kerry."

- "Good point..."

Let me understand: Out of 300 fucking million people -

O.k. let's just say out of 20 million white-middle-aged-straight(ish)-male-non-obviously-atheist douchebags, this is the BEST you could fucking do? Gore or Kerry vs. Bush? What is this? A porn movie name competition? Was Dick missing? Oh wait.


After living through some of the most unbelievably and horrifically fucking stupid "executive" decisions and fuckups that will perplex Political Historians for hundreds of generations, and let's-fuck-the-whole-planet-up-and-call-on-the-black-guy-to-clean-it-up attitude, it's amazing there's still a universe spinning around Disc Earth.

HA! Gotcha flat earth creationist neanderthals! What are you doing reading CRACKED.com anyway?

Yep. Looks about right.

Yep. Looks about right.

G-Dumbya's (his rap name!) presidency can only be satisfactorily summed via the use of this rather unusual (and unusually long) word:

"8MonthsOfVacation911Let'sSitHereFor7FuckingMinutesSeeIfAnybodyNoticesOsamaBinLadenMustDie-

AlQaedaAfghanistanOopsWeaponsOfMassDestructionHusseinTriedToKillMyDaddyIraqOops-

OsamaBinLadenWouldBeNiceIfHeDiedNeoConsRuleTheyHateUsForOurFreedomFriesPatriotAct-

Let'sMakeEverybodyInTheWorldFuckingHateUsBecauseWeFuckingRockTerrorLevelOrange-

OsamaBinLadenMustBeDeadByNowMissionAccomplishedNoBidContractsAbuGhraibVPIsHalliburtonCEO-

GuantanamoIsNiceThisTimeOfYearIFuckingHateStemCellsDemocratsAreNeuteredLet'sKillEverybody-

AbortionsAreBadMassKillingIsGoodNorthKoreaYou'reNextOopsKatrinaOopsNoMillionaireLeftBehind-

ClimateChangeLOLFuckKyotoOsamaBinLadenWhoCaresIfHeDiesIranYou'reNext-NoChildLeftBehindOops-

Let'sBlockTheClimateChangeReportAbstinenceRocksOopsThe"Free"EconomyCrappedItsPantsLet'sBail-

OurBuddiesOutAndGetTheFuckOuttaHereIGotSomeBrushesToClearBlackGuyWillCleanItUp-GoodLuckWithAllThat."

Whew! That was a mouthful.

- "That's what SHE said."

- "Shut up, stupid!"

My apologies. My parasitic twin brain (it's true: I'm left-handed or sinister in Latin) found its way to the keyboard again. And it's not very smart.

Admittedly, it wasn't all his fault. He had the tacit approval of a flock of pussified Democraps for 4 years until they woke the fuck up and meekly proclaimed:

-"Hey, what the fuck are you doing?

-

-"Me?"

-

"Sit down and shut up? Ok."

And let us not forget the real puppet-master-string-puller:


No. No stroke. I'm just naturally evil

Now, when just the sight of this ginormous sextuble-bypassed douchebag rapes your soul, you know this is one baaaaad motherfucker. Even the baddest of all motherfuckers' asshole quivers at his sight:

I'm steering clear of this Motherfucker!

Don't get me wrong, George W. Bush has his warm personal charm, his boyish smile, his goofy look. You know, he's just like a WalMart greeter only 40 years too young and just as bright. He's a normal guy, just like us, one you'd like to have a beer (or twenty and 5 grams of coke, 2 liters of Jack, 60 Valiums, 10 Oxycontin, some heroine and a pinch of meth just for good luck) with.

So, why did Americans go into a massive state of retardation (that's a $1 bill in the jar Ms. Palin) so he could end up president of the most powerful nation the Earth has ever seen? Well, the answer is his father... A President himself (Oh my, what a coincidence!) who was a war hero, ambassador to China, boss of the motherfuckin' CIA, member of the powerful Bush family who first (literally) drilled Saudi Arabia way back in the '30s etc. etc. Strong credentials this one had, too bad he was elected right after Reagan and got clipped by the Economic recession that followed. That and "read my lips". Unfortunately, his son was nothing like the father but we all know about that, don't we?

Now, onwards, let's have a look at the gems who claim they're worse than G-Dub shall we?

There are some doozies here as we shall soon find.

7) Richard Nixon 37th President - 1969-74 - Republican

I'm gonna frag your hippy liberal Jew Negro ass!

Why was he bad you say?

If there was an ugly, paranoid, conniving, racist, Jew-hating chauvinistic pig of a president, Nixon was it. And there were a LOT of them. Sure, he's the only president who ever resigned in disgrace, but did you know he was actually elected TWICE? WTF? That's right, the American people were stupid back then too!

Who were his Democrap rivals? Well, in 1968 (post RFK assassination) "Hubey" Humphrey kept it close (0.5 million votes) while his Southern buddy George C. Wallace was siphoning racist votes summin' fierce. This is barely post Civil rights passing that enraged Southern Democrats (i.e. KKK) who voted for Wallace en masse.

LBJ in a spooky premonition after signing the Civil rights act said:

"We have lost the South for a generation."

He was, of course, right and Nixon was the first (and second) beneficiary of this political re-alignment.

I'm not even going to mention poor old McGovern in 1972 (oops! I just did.) In the world of presidential election spankings, this one was an epic smackdown. How bad was it? Well, let's just say McGovern barely won more electoral votes than I did. Or you.

Did I mention Nixon opened the flood gates to China? Now you can thank him for both the black hole of the human soul that is WalMart and the Chinese made plastic crap they sell.

Sure, he didn't start the Vietnam war, but he did what every self-respecting Republican president would do. Escalate! To Cambodia! It is unfair to criticize him for that though, it's in their DNA for god's sake!

Surely he wasn't worse than GwB?

Well, he was certainly smart, experienced and politically gifted, and if you combine smarts with evil and a healthy dose of I-hate-the-fucking-world you get some shit strewn across the cosmos. His paranoia and mistrust got in the way of him using his considerable tools towards more good.

Instead, he resigned in shame and left in infinite bitterness. Watergate is a curse that he will forever be linked to which thankfully takes away from the horror that is Watergate salad.

I'm sure he must have a redeeming quality

Hells yeah! He's got the coolest middle name: Milhous. So cool, in fact, his parents named him after the lovable Simpsons character. Now, THAT'S cool! Plus it was his mommy's middle name too. Wha?

Did you also know that Tricky Dick was a Quaker? That's right, he was the first President to have a T1 LAN set up in the Oval Office. He spent countless hours fragging the shit out of the unfortunate souls who would dare enter a multiplayer Quake session against him.


Die, Spiro Agnew, bitch! Kissinger, fuckwad, you're NEXT!

6) Millard Fillmore 13th President 1850-53 Whig Party

" It Wasn't my fault. It was this shitty era's fault."

Henceforth we shall see a disturbing trend where ALL presidents around the terrible but necessary Civil War Era (pre and post) are prominently displayed on this list of supreme Presidential sucki-turdiness.

Obviously, there was one glaring and shining exception. You know who I'm referring to, right?

"Yeah, that's right."

Seriously. If you want your kid to be a failure in life, why don't you name him Millard? What is he? A Duck?

Did someone say AFLA...err, I mean Millard?

Ok, minor semantics here. Millard, mallard...

What possible nicknames could such an unfortunate soul suffer from his bullying friends?

Millie? Milster? Milman? See? It's just unfair. Yet, Mildude persevered and became president of the freaking United States of America! Good job, Milstud! He was never elected Pres. But still...

Why was he bad you say?

Like cool high schoolers, we made fun of his name and we also have a picture of a duck. Do you really want to learn more about a guy called Millard who had a duck as his vice president?

I didn't think so...

5) Warren G. Harding 29th President 1921-23 - Republican

Malcolm Gladwell says I'm Presidentially handsome. I mean, look at me!

Why was he bad you say?

Multiple scandals during his administration (something about teapots) weighed like anchors around Harding's presidential neck.

Surely he wasn't worse than GwB?
Come to think of it, his term was so short (died in the Office of heart attack) he didn't have enough time to do real damage...

I'm sure he must have a redeeming quality
He was the first sitting senator to be elected President. That helped a Catholic Senator War Hero out a bit later...
He was for women's Suffrage which gave him overwhelming support from women and also created the bureau for Veterans Affairs.

4) Franklin Pierce - 14th President 1853-57 - Democrat

"Please forgive my helmet head. I just came back from a ride on my BMW S 1000 RR"

'

Well, as far as presidential names are concerned, he's halfway there to being top 3 awesome. Too bad his last name wasn't Roosevelt though... And the hair? Fabulous if you're a cock. The chicken kind I mean.

Franklin Pierce was a "doughface" which meant that he liked to sleep with a skin-revitalizing dough facemask at nights. Most Historians credit this practice to Pierce's youthful appearance. Unfortunately, being a doughface, apparently makes you a pretty bad president. There are other doughface presidents on the list (Hint: Quack! plus see directly below). Coincidence? I think not!

Why was he bad you say?

As a pre-Civil war president, he made things worse by repealing the Missouri compromise, supported the Kansas-Nebraska Act which infuriated, and was abandoned, by Northerners.

Surely he wasn't worse than GwB?

His above choices hastened the chasm between North and South, so yeah, that's pretty bad...

I'm sure he must have a redeeming quality
Oh yes. By all accounts Pres. Pierce was a fine human being liked by all who was just not suited for the office at the time. Too bad he was elected at such an unfortunate time in U.S. History.

3) James Buchanan - 15th President 1857-61 - Democrat

"You fuckers! Why is my picture all scratchy? What am I? A vinyl record?"

Why was he bad you say?

Oh my, another doughface. See what I mean? Blasted wheat flour and you insidious gluten deliciousness...

Surely he wasn't worse than GwB?

Even before he was president, he drafted the controversial Ostend Manifesto for President F. Pierce (see above). It is rumored that the two gentlemen hatched the idea while having a nice dough facemask session. [citation needed]

Buchanan as President was so ineffective in bringing the North and South together, that he managed to alienate both. He opined that secession is illegal, but also going to war for the Union is illegal too. So he did nothing about it.

Thanks a LOT Buchanan!

I'm sure he must have a redeeming quality

He was an experienced and popular politician before he became president, but the magnitude of the times was too much for him.

2) Andrew Johnson - 17th President - 1865-69 - Independent-ish

"Yeah, I'm WHITE! You got a problem with that?"

Why was he bad you say?
Well, he did have the unfortunate luck of being Abe Lincoln's VP. I'm sure you've heard of Abe. Poor, awesome, beautiful Abe who was senselessly assassinated by the coward douchebag John Wilkes Booth may he be eternally raped by billions of well endowed slaves. After that fateful shot reverberated in Ford's theater and around the world, Andrew was woken up as the new president. Oh crap... Unfortunately, Andrew was nothing like Honest Abe. In a nation of racists (by our sensibilities) Andrew was a petty white supremacist. Too strong words you say? Try:
"This is a country for white men, and by God, as long as I'm President, it shall be a Government for white men."
Not convinced?
How about after speaking to a group of Blacks, including Frederick Douglass, who urged him to support suffrage for all Blacks. he said:
"Those damned sons of bitches thought they had me in a trap! I know that damned Douglass; he's just like any n****r, and he would sooner cut a white man's throat than not."
Still not convinced?
"Right this way, sir. We have a lovely white hood collection this Spring. And the noose rope collection? Fah-bulous!"
He, of course, opposed the Republican sponsored 14th amendment. Remember, things were topsy turvy back then, Democrats were Republicans and Republicans were Democrats. Confused? Don't be. Whites were still white and blacks were still VERY black.

Surely he wasn't worse than GwB?
He was the 1st president to be impeached. And, no dear reader, he was not thrown in a vat of peaches. Unlike Bubba Clinton who was impeached for, ahem, flavoring his cigar with disturbing juices, Johnson was impeached for good reason.

I'm sure he must have a redeeming quality
Sure he did. He was the only Unionist Southerner senator. That's got to count for something, right? He did free his personal slaves in 1863. "Personal slaves" sounds like such a cool luxury. And we think owning an iPhone is cool. Pfft!
He also kicked the French out of Mexico. Is that a good thing? Who knows? Let's say it is.
He also tried to buy Alaska from the Russians who were too drunk to notice they were selling it for approximately $1 per square kilometer! That's like a millionth of a cent per square foot or something stupid like that. Stupid, hilarious, Russians...

Sarah Palin - 666th Pres. 2012 - RAPTURE (shortly after Inauguration)

You betcha! I'm winking at YOU Jesus!

Yep, the loonies were right and you were WRONG!

- "Wait a minute, you IDIOT!"
- "What?"
- "Well, we have a couple of 'minor' issues here:
- "First, It's only 2010, not 2012 and second: Sarah Palin was never elected President

- "Ok, you got me, this is merely conjecture here but all signs (of the apocalypse) point to YES!"

As the angels lovingly escort the j.freaks(TM) towards the heavens, following their spiritual, cultural and gun leader Sarah "It-took-me-7-fucking-years-to-graduate-redneck-U-and-look-at-me-now-I'm-your-fucking-Apocalyptic President!" Palin, you get to wonder:
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

Well, I'll tell you what happened. Jesus came down to Earth to fulfill his prophecy. Never heard of Jesus? That's why you're burning in hell, heathen!
When the antichrist in the form of a Kenyan born dude (HA! Birthers were right!) with big ears and bigger balls was elected president -Dude! What happened to Andrew Johnson's promise? Exactly... Look at the mess we're in now... - let's just say a few things went into motion.
The giant machinery of the Apocalypse came creaking and groaning into life and set scores of hideous demons free. Imagine gays, lesbians, blacks, -in fact- people of all hues -yuck!- liberals (double yuck!), scientists and other people who think for a living (WTF?), Hebrews, gypsies and all kinds of uncleans grabbed their middle earth swords


Now let's go kick some sweet Jesus ass!

and joined the Antichrist in an Epic Battle against beautiful Jesus and his wife Sarah...

- "Wait, what?"

-"You didn't know? That's because you weren't paying attention. Can you stop interrupting? I need to finish this story dammit!"


Anyhoo, beautiful Jesus and Sarah ride their stunningly clean uber-white horses towards the right-leaning heavens followed by millions of gorgeous Christians and Angels with swords of grace fixing to brutally decapitate their unclean enemies.


Yada yada yada, Apocalypse, rapture, the 2nd coming, you get the gist, right?


Long story short, we're fucked! Why? Because you're reading Cracked dummy. What, you thought you'd go to heaven reading this filth? Ha!


- "Wait! Who won?"


- "Who do you think won? Is the rotisserie spit coming out of both of your diametrically opposed orifices giving you a clue? Did you pray? Did you abstain until you got married? Did you not eat meat on Friday? Did you even touch fucking shellfish? Too late to be saved now, huh?"


I don't get it, what are you tryin' to say?


Uhhh, nevermind...

Surely SHE wasn't worse than GwB?
Hey, STUPID! Have you been paying attention? The lady is dumber than a box of rocks dipped in lead, mercury and uranium.
- Hee hee, you said your anus!
- No, I didn't!
- Yes you did!
- Nah uh.
- Uh huh...

Anyway, let's leave the twintards (that's $2 in the jar!) of my imagination work it out while we try to figure this one out...

I'm sure SHE must have a redeeming quality
You betcha she does! I mean, look at her. She's an inspiration to us all losers who took forever to figure out what a University was, why we were there, who the hell needs edumacation anyway... You know, stuff like that. Real Murrican stuff. Like shooting man-eating wolves from the freedom of a helicopter. Like flogging a dozen puppies across the frozen steppes of Alaska. By defending the freedom of this great Nation while tolerating others even though they are not saved and the wrong color.

We'll pray for them.